TO BLOG OR NOT TO BLOG?

Let me start off by saying that I have been debating whether or not to continue blogging. While some people have been giving great feedback and have been open-minded to my honesty and vulnerability, the negative comments keep coming. I don't know how many times I have heard:

"You're doing this for pity."
-If this is to do with my blog, I have stated several times on here that the purpose of my blog is for awareness and to update friends. If the pity thing is related to my eating disorder in general, it couldn't be farther from the truth. My disorder is not to get pity from ANYONE.

"You're being selfish." "You're hurting the people who love you." "JUST EAT."
-Do you think that if anorexia was something that easy to stop, I would have let it get this far? NO. It kills me to see what it is doing to the people I love. And 'just eating' does not make everything go away. Besides, eating disorders are not even really about the food. It's about the feelings that the person has underneath all of that, and to cope, he or she takes it out on the food.

"You have nothing to complain about." "There are starving people in third world countries." "Some people have it worse than you do."
-First of all, I realize that I have been blessed with a loving family, a home, etc. And I realize that some people are dealing with much more than I am. Please don't give me a guilt trip or tell me I should suck it up because it could be worse. That's just hurtful. And second, you don't know what I have experienced, seen, or felt. There are reasons that I have turned to such a "coping skill" (even though I recognize it is not a healthy one). You may not know the reasons, in fact, I bet you DON'T know the reasons, so please don't assume.

Ok, so that was my little venting session. If you are still reading, thanks for bearing with me.

I was reading the blog of a close friend of mine who also struggles with an eating disorder, and she wrote something that I thought was so insightful and so true that I wanted to share it with you:

"...I was recently watching a documentary about addiction and I heard a statement that grabbed my attention. In recovery an addict must turn from their old life to begin a new life, one without drugs. Doesn't sound too difficult when you read or talk about it, but in reality, it is one the hardest things someone may ever face.

In my case, my drug of choice isn't heroin, meth, or alcohol,its food, or lack there of. Food is UNAVOIDABLE so part of me could even argue, that on some levels I may have it even harder than the addict because I, unlike the addict, cannot give up the drug. In any case, I must eat or I will die, and just like the addict, this is easier said than done. On a daily basis something as simple as choosing what to eat for breakfast...lunch...and...dinner can be paralyzingly daunting. Each bite a chore. Every meal...exhausting. It's hard for me to think of my life any other way...constantly being directed by a number on a scale. Who am without all this baggage? I, like the addict, have to redefine my life say good bye to my old self and embrace a new me. It's scary, and to tell you the truth, at times I hate it. There are days that I want to give up, pick up my old bags and start back down that old familiar trail....

I wanted to share that because I feel like it gives a very accurate description of how difficult each day can be and how terrifying it is to choose what to eat in order to nourish your body.
-----

I recently came back from Mexico to spend time at Miracle Ranch, a children's home that I volunteer at. I used to go every chance I got, but this year, since I've been in treatment, I've hardly been down there. My trip was absolutely incredible. Just being there and spending time with the kids was a blessing. We went to the movies, played soccer, and did Christmas-themed crafts and baking. Leaving was so hard- the hospital only let me go for five days, so I felt like I didn't have enough time. I was mad at my eating disorder for taking away something that I'm so passionate about. It makes me want to fight harder.

That being said, I am about to start a six month residential program called Mercy Ministries up in Northern Ca. I know that I need this structure and continual support, but I am terrified. I will have no cell phone or internet, so basically the only form of communication I can have is through writing letters. I will, however, have my mom update my blog so that my loyal 12 followers (hahaha) can know how things are going. I would love to hear from you while I'm gone because I'm sure I'll get homesick. Pictures always make me smile,too! (hint hint). I'll include the address in my next blog b/c I'm too tired right now to dig through my pile of papers for the address. Some may say that's lazy, but hey, I call it being tired from a full day at the hospital and then a mini-shopping spree! :)

Ok, back to the present. How I am doing right now. It is still a constant, daily struggle to eat. It's something that I have to face over and over again each day, and most of the time my food is accompanied with shame and guilt. Scratch that, ALL OF THE TIME. My view of myself is not so hot, which plays into whether or not I "deserve" to eat. I also still really struggle with this "new" body I have, since I've had to gain a considerable amount of weight. I talked about it with my dietician today and let me tell you, she does not take any crap. She is hard-core, but it's what I need. So she pretty much kicked my butt into gear and is having me be more accountable to myself about doing what I know I need to do to stay healthy.

So those are my thoughts right now, in a nutshell. My hope and prayer for Mercy Ministries is that I am able to create a better relationship with God, myself, and with food. Because I KNOW, this is not the life I want to live. PERIOD.

Love, Sarah :)

You Give and Take Away, Yet My Heart Will Choose to Say, "Lord, Blessed Be Your Name."

My sister came home last night and made herself a late dinner. She sat down and asked if I had eaten my snack yet.

"Later" was my response. That's always what I say. "I will eat later..."

She finished her food, feeling satisfied and relaxed and said, "Someday, I hope you can like food as much as I do."

She doesn't know that that has been my hope for the last seven years. I am tired of feeling like I'm not normal. I am tired of being afraid of food. I'm tired of missing out on life. In the words of a friend from treatment, "I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired."

The end of 2010 is approaching, which has led me to reflect on this past year. I will have been in treatment for a total of 37 weeks this year. The rest I have spent in and out of dr appointments. I have been inpatient four times in two separate facilities in this year alone. I missed vacations to Costa Rica and Palm Springs. I've had to take a leave from work and school, which has been so hard considering I love both so very much (no sarcasm!). I have lost friends who can't seem to understand why I can't just EAT and be happy. Other friendships have been strained...I feel like I have fallen out of touch with people I care so much about.

And I almost lost my life. It just really hit me last night. I always brushed off the symptoms and signs that my body was deteriorating because I have known other girls who have seemed "sicker" than I. It didn't matter that my heart was acting up or that I didn't even have the energy to simply roll over in bed. But looking back now, I can see that death was not just a word, but a reality.

Being in treatment this year has honestly saved my life. Yes, I lost a lot and had to set many things aside, but I have gained so much more than I could have thought (no pun intended, although I have gained a significant amount of weight in order to bring me back to a "healthy" weight range.). I am slowly getting my health back- I have the energy to do the simplest things- like walk up stairs or stand for any period of time without feeling faint. I can think clearly and can remember things. And I am creating a better relationship with my sister, which makes me so incredibly happy (My eating disorder really hurt her, but we're working through it together.).

What a challenging year it has been! I have experienced so much pain- physically through refeeding (one of my friends says she'd rather be in labor again than go through refeeding!) and emotionally while looking at the root causes of my disorder. Yes, I still struggle very much with giving my body proper nutrition, but I have come so far in this last year. I am not the same person I was in March, when I first entered the hospital. I am gaining strength, motivation, and confidence. The road ahead is going to be difficult, BUT I CAN DO ALL THINGS IN CHRIST who strengthens me.
Until next time, Sarah

HONESTY

Honesty. What a scary concept. I consider myself to be an honest person, but in my disorder I admit that I was very dishonest- to others and to myself. I did ANYTHING and everything possible to avoid eating, and my dishonesty went to the extent of lying to and manipulating the people I cared the most for in order to keep myself from the very thing I feared…gaining those dreaded pounds. I was not an easy person to live with…To my family and roommates- I apologize. I lied to myself as well. I convinced myself every day that I was okay. That things weren’t that bad. Yes, I had heart palpitations, anemia, dizzy spells, a weak immune system, deteriorating muscles, decaying teeth, a messed up digestive system, difficulty concentrating, hair loss, and osteopenia- deterioration of bone mass that precedes osteoporosis and doesn’t happen until an older age- but I was convinced that I was doing great! I recently found out that at my lowest weight back in March, I weighed only 5 pounds more than my cousin who is in the sixth grade. So, ya, I had the body of a 12 year old boy and the bones of a 50-60 year old….just fine, right? But that is what traps you in an eating disorder- complete denial that things are falling apart because that would mean admitting you need help and that you can’t do it on your own. For the last 7 years, my anorexia has been a safety blanket, something I use to cope through stress, and frankly, ditching the disease, as painful as it is, is quite scary.

Is that too honest for you? Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But the purpose of this blog is to not only keep friends updated (so I don’t end up repeating myself to people over and over), but to shed light on this misunderstood disease. IT IS NOT A CHOICE. IT IS NOT A LIFESTYLE. It is an illness.

Back to honesty. Now that I have been in treatment for the past few months, and am finding myself back on the path of recovery, I can say that being honest is still difficult for me. It’s difficult to admit that I’m struggling and equally difficult to reach out for support. So here it is: Sometimes I feel like giving up. Each day, it is such a CHORE to eat, and I find myself worrying if it will ever get easier…and then STAY that way. This last week, with me being in the partial program now, has been a challenge. This is why I hate when people say that I am so strong, because most of the time, I don’t feel strong. In fact, I feel the exact opposite. But I have to keep fighting, no matter how draining, because the fact of the matter is, I have no other choice. When it comes down to it, I CHOOSE LIFE.

DO NOT FEAR

Pizza should be a four-letter word. It is regarded as one here on our unit, or so it seems, and is sometimes avoided like the plague..

I've spent the last week deciding whether or not i should write this particular blog. Debated on how personal it should be. And I've decided that while I'm not going to divulge every little detail, I made this blog with the intention of being real. I have learned from experience that anorexia nervosa is so incredibly misunderstood in today's society, and I want to do what I can to shed a little light on the disease.

Let me start by saying that I've been a professional restricter for the better part of my life. I don't necessarily mean restricting just food, although that obviously came later on. Since I can remember, I have restricted how close people can get to me. Restricted my emotions so that I only show the 'good' ones. Restricted my sense of adventure. Basically, I have confined myself to a very small, neat box so that I don't take up too much space. Literally. It has been a long-standing belief of mine that I do NOT deserve to take up space. That I am not worthy of it. Why, you might ask? I am still trying to figure that out, but I'm slowly piecing things together.
Over time, I made my box even smaller by restricting food. I greatly compromised my body by starving myself, like I starved myself of my emotions. LET ME BE HONEST:I DO NOT believe I am worthy of food. After treatment centers, a feeding tube, IVs, ER visits, EKGs, holds, and Ensures leading to a mandatory gain of 35 lbs later, I am just starting to believe the obvious- I just might be deserving of nutrition....huh..what a concept...

So let me get back to the pizza issue..A couple Fridays ago, the hospital celebrated Halloween. Our unit dressed up as Grease characters and we watched the movie. To make the situation more like 'normal' life, the dieticians brought in pizza for us to eat...Pizza.To some-a favorite food eaten at college events, parties, sleepovers, get-togethers, etc. To me-one of the scariest foods I can imagine. I wish I could explain it in a way that someone w/o an E.D. could understand...So what did I do? I sobbed. and sobbed. I ended up having to have a supplement instead (Ensure of course!) and felt completely defeated because I let my E.D. take over and tell me I did not deserve to have that piece of pizza. A week to the day later, my dietician took me and a couple other girls who also struggled with the pizza and sat us down for what else? Pizza. I cried again, but this time I ate it. And afterward, my head was saying how I messed up. Either way, E.D. doesn't let me win. I Ensure, and feel guilty for not trying. I eat the food, and feel guilty for trying. Ugh.

I've been focusing a lot lately on the concept of fear. Obviously I am not lacking in that area. Although Christ tells us not to fear, that He will help us, I have integrated it into every aspect of my life-to the point where I have full-blown panic attacks. I just finished Imagine Your Life Without Fear, by Max Lucado, and I must say, his exegisis on Matthew 8 is pretty cool, and it resonates so much with me that I want to share it. Mt 8:23-24 says that Jesus and his disciples got into a boat, and soon a big strom arose and was thrashing the boat. The Greek word used for storm is 'seismos', meaning a 'trembling eruption of sea and sky. We can find this word in the English language relating to earthquakes. So obviously this was a big storm. There are only two other times that Matthew uses the word 'seismos'- one referring to Christ's death and the other to Christ's resurrection. As Lucado puts it, "Apparently, the stilled storm shares equal billing in the trilogy of Jesus' great shake-ups: defeating sin on the cross, death at the tomb, and silencing fear on the sea." Although we as Christians have seen God's works, Lucado says that fear causes us to have ocassional 'spiritual amnesia' and we forget that our God is bigger than our storm. Christ gives 125 commands in the Gospels, and the 'fear not/take heart' commands appear more than any other. The quantity of these commands should show us just how much our God cares about our fears, and, equally, how much He wants to calm them.

"If we medicate fear with angry outbursts, drinking binges, sullen withdrawals, self-starvation, or viselike control, we exclude God from the solution and exacerbate the problem. We subject ourselves to a position of fear, allowing anxiety to dominate and define our lives. Joy-sapping worries. Day-numbing dread. Repeated bouts of insecurity that petrify and paralyze us."

One area I'm becoming increasinly worried about is discharge from inpatient to partial hospitalization. I'll be in the same program, but instead of being here 24/7, I'll only be here 8hrs a day,6 days a week.Yes, I will be here most of the time still, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried about my free time that I'll have. Please keep me in your prayers for that specifically.

Another frustration: Mercy Ministries. Mercy is a six month residential program with locations across the world. It is a Christian program that helps young women find healing from various addictions and disorders. I am on the waiting list for the Lincoln, Ca location. I got a call the other day and it sounds like I still have a while to wait. Since I can count on not being there until next yr, I feel like my life is continuing to be put on hold. I know I need this program, but I just wish the process was a little faster. pLUS, the longer I wait, the longer it will take for me to have the OPPORTUNITY to spend time with family and friends. Right now, I'm desperately holding to the promise that God's timing is best.

I have decided to end this entry with a simple, yet powerful, Bible verse that, coincidentally, just happens to be my next tattoo.

"Do not fear, I will help you."....somewhere in Isaiah. sorry I can't find the exact verse right now...

What fear are you holding on to in your life that God is wanting to take from you?

A Week In The Life Of Treatment

Thank you for all who kept our unit in your prayers this week. The drama has definitely died down, THANK GODDDDDDD! We did, however, get six admissions in one day and that has brought on a new challenge. To say space is 'tight' is an understatement. Everyone is becoming quite claustrophobic, so we are once again having to adapt. Any kind of change is really hard for me, along with many of the others here, so we're all practicing our deep breathing and distress tolerance. AH, the therapists would be so proud that I'm using my DBT skills. For those who don't know, DBT is dialectical behavioral therapy. It's kind of like cog-b, except its focus is on tolerating uncomfortable feelings and being MINDFUL. Man, I tell you, if I collected a quarter from someone each time I heard the word 'mindful', I'd have enough money to buy my next tattoo. Ok...maybe I'm exaggerating a bit.



 During my free time here (basically after program at night), I have been reading some of Chelsea Handler's books. THEY.ARE.HILARIOUS. I've always enjoyed watching her shows, and her books are just as good. So funny. The first I read was Are You there, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea. and the second one was Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang. The stories are really random and are made funnier with her own words that she makes up, like 'shadoobie.' I think pretty soon I'm going to have to read a real book...hahah



 My meal plan also got upped this week.....AGAIN. I'm now up to 4 Ensure pluses a day to go ALONG WITH my meals and 3 snacks. To those of who have been fortunate enough to not try Ensure, or who don't know what I'm even talking about right now, they are cans of nutritional drinks that old people and eating disordered-people use to 'gain or maintain weight.' And they are DEFINITELY an aqquired taste. Lucky? for me, I aqquired that taste years ago...but they do get old and make for full stomachs. I'm trying to push through the feelings that come up for me when I feel full, but it's a challenge.



 In one of my previous blog posts, I talked about a group we have here at the hospital called Exposure Food (see 'Breadsticks'). So Tuesday we had birthday cake, which seemed fitting because it was one patient's birthday. I have never really been a cake fan, even before the eating disorder. But as soon as I started to get overwhelmed sitting with it in front of me at the table, I was brought back to birthdays celebrated at Miracle Ranch. Going shopping with Kristen for ingrediants, bugging Isaias (the cook) by 'intruding' in his kitchen, baking cakes or other desserts, having the kids decorate (and make a HUGE MESS :) haha), and the excitement in the kids voices as they sang "QUEREMOS PASTEL! PASTEL! PASTEL!!! QUEREMOS PASTEL! PASTEL! PASTEL!!!" (We want cake, cake cake!). The smile on the child's face knowing that he or she was being celebrated and that it was HIS/HER time. I miss Mexico. I may make a fool out of myself sometimes by saying something incorrectly, but the Ranch is where my heart is. So, with those memories in mind, I ate that freakin' piece of cake. It was SO HARD, but I did it! (And I may or may not have sang the 'Queremos pastel' song in my head the whole time. haha)

 ...Thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn I had a mini-melt down. I was under the impression that if I had the cake I wouldn't have to have my afternoon snack- an Ensure Plus, a fruit, and a fat. After the group, the dietician informed me that the cake only 'covered' my Ensure Plus. I was already feeling so full! And that cake was sweet! But there is no arguing with the dietician, so I went in and had 6 prunes and 6 almonds for the rest of my snack. I started crying, it sucked. Only in E.D. hospitals will you find women or men crying over prunes and nuts. I realize this sounds kind of lame...unless you who are reading also struggle with an eating disorder. Then you know what I mean. Quite often, meals are accompanied with crying.



Thursday, I went with some of the girls on an outing. We were taken by a therapist and dietician to an italian restaurant called Dominico's. Because I'm going on the outing so early in my treatment stay (another revision made to my schedule to make my second stay here at BHC more challenging), my dietician informed me that I had to follow my meal plan while we were out, instead of eating mindfully (there's that word again...) like the others. So I'm already stressed out about that. Then they pass out the menus...

 Freak-out #1- Pasta. Pasta is a big fear food for me. Crap crap crap....

 Freak-out #2- I need to pick out a cream-based sauce to count as one of my fat exchanges. Alfredo sauce. Holy Shadoobie! (that was added for any Chelsea Handler fans).



Then I ordered a milk, to cover my dairy exchange...



 Freak-out #3- I find out it is whole milk. WHOLE MILK!



I did enjoy the conversation I had at the table with the girls. That, and the fact that I was allowed two cups of coffee, made things a little easier. FYI PEOPLE- COFFEE CAN MAKE ANYTHING BETTER.     After lunch, some of the girls walked to a pumkin patch down the street, but I went with some girls to Rite Aid to buy some random things-nail polish remover, slippers, etc. I decided I wanted to challenge myself once again, so for my afternoon snack I had Thrifty's ice cream. I remember when I was little I loved going and getting mint chip ice cream. I asked the dietician how much i would need to get to 'cover' my snack, and she said 1and a half scoops and a cone (Insert freak-out #4). BUT I DID IT! I couldn 't remember the last time I had eaten ice cream, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?! Even though it was a challenge, to say the least, it tasted so good!!! Once I got back to BHC and realized all that I had accomplished, I my eating disorder startede to freak out a bit, but I talked myself through it. What a day!



 Last but not least, I got a pass yesterday to go to Chayse's dedication and Chris' Send-off Party. For those who don't know, Chayse is my 2 month-old godson. His parents are my friend, Lauren, and her husband,
 Chris Conklin. This little guy is a stud, man. So earlier in the week, I asked for a pass so I could leave for a couple hours to be there, and my pass was denied. I was DEVASTATED. My therapist encouraged me to re-submit my pass request and make a few changes to it. Thankfully I was able to go, even though the director made the hours 2pm- 4:30 (too short!). It was nice to leave the hospital for a little while, and I was overjoyed to be at my godson's dedication. What a special event!



So, that's an overview of my week. It was pretty intense and had its highs and lows, but I'm still here. haha
But seriously, thank you for the prayers and encouragement. God is faithful.

Love, Sarah

Duh-RAMA!

So, I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that putting 12 women in a small space, living together, there will be drama.  Especially when you add in the fact that we are all here struggling with emotional stuff.  But OH! MY! GOODNESS!!!!!!!! These last few days have been intense, and I have found myself wanting to book it.  I have never been good at handling conflict- even if I'm not in the middle of it.  So, needless to say, my anxiety has skyrocketed over the last few days.  It looks like things are starting to calm down- after almost an ENTIRE day processing and venting, but I do ask for your prayers.  For patience.  For things to be resolved.  For peace.  I am praying that we are able to work past these little tiffs and strengthen our community because, really, we need each other.  This process is one of the hardest things we will have to ever do and we need to lift each other up. 

Other than that, my meal plan was increased today and I'm already struggling with it.  My tummy can only take so much!!!  So for the next few days, I plan to become close friends with mylanta.

Just wanted to write a quick note updating you all.  Thanks for your prayers. Byeeeeeee

BREADSTICKS!

Right now, I am currently inpatient at BHC Alhambra Hospital.  I am back after being discharged from my 5 month stay only six weeks later.  It came as a dissapointment to me, but I know it is what I need.  My life has been taken away from me- school, work, Mexico, my high school church ladies, and just the ability to have FUN.  I want all of this back, so I am, in a way, relieved to be back here getting help.

Today we had a group called "Exposure Food."  The group is basically what is sounds like.  They give us a food that patients either avoided eating or binged on, depending on the disorder.  Past exposure foods have been doughnuts, candy bars, chips and dip, and cinnimon rolls.  Part of the challenge is just sitting with it in front of you.  Sometimes that is ENOUGH of a challenge.  But they encourage each person to try it, and if he or she completes the snack, it will replace the mandatory afternoon snack.  Are you following still?  They even give us incentives sometimes by bringing diet coke or coffee for those who try the "fear food."  During the group, you need to choose a coping skill, and I chose journaling.  This is what it looked like:

"Breadsticks from Papa Johns?!?!?!  God, I'm so scared!  And full from lunch!  God, help!  I want to beat this, but I'm teriffied of my freaking thighs rubbing together!  I want to go home.  Hide in my bed.  I already feel like such a failure for just THINKING about trying them...and I haven't even touched them yet!  But who says that if I try these two breadsticks that I will be a failure?  If my goal is to beat ED (eating disorder), wouldn't eating this be considered a success???  I can just imagine someone w/o an E.D. laughing at me right now.  I'm having a mini-panic attack over BREADSTICKS! Lame!  I'm afraid to simply touch them.  I don't want the grease and the parm. cheese on my fingers.  I think it would be easier to eat with a fork and knife...but that's not normal...Then again, neither is being afraid of bread.  The verse at the bottom of my journal is very fitting- John 10:10 "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  God sent salvation so that I DON'T have to live in bondage........So...I tried two bites...and honestly, they are not appealing to me.  They taste like cardboard.  But I tried, so I get to enjoy diet coke :) :) :)

So here's to SOMEDAY eating breadsticks from Olive Garden with my sister.  Cheers!

Beauty from Ashes

So, for a while I have been considering starting a blog for friends and family to be updated on how treatment is going.  I've weighed the pros and cons (no pun intended), and I have finally decided to give it a shot.  I am not the best writer, but my goal for this blog is that people can gain insight and understanding about how serious eating disorders are and also to share my journey with you all.  I believe God is going to bring "beauty from these ashes" and turn this nightmare into something that will bring glory to Him.

I don't know how many times I have been told I should just "eat a cheeseburger and get over [myself]" or "just hang around me for a while, Sarah, and you'll gain some weight."  I've also heard the "I wish I had as much self-control around food like you so I could lose a few lbs" and "what's your secret?"  See, the truth is,  anorexia is hell.  Eating disorders are not fad diets or a way to get attention. In fact, it's really not about the food.  It's about the feelings underneath.  The pain that women, men, and yes, children, hide behind their painted-on masks.  We just take it out on the food.  To a normal person, this makes no sense.  Plenty of people have told me over the years that they just want to shake me and tell me to eat.  I know what I'm doing to my body and I WANT help.  PRAISE GOD I am getting help right now.  I hope that through my honesty in these blogs, you can gain a better understanding of the disease.
    
I also believe in an ALMIGHT GOD who has the power to save.  Even though I have been in bondage for seven years, I believe He will bring something good out of this hell.  And so my second purpose of this blog is to chart my progress and in turn, glorify God.

Thanks for joining me on my journey.

I wanted this site to have a name, and I thought of a song that seems to fit well.  It's "Beauty from Pain" by Superchic[k].  Please listen to it if you get a chance!

"Beauty From Pain"

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought BEAUTY FROM ASHES
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain