Because of anorexia, I have missed out on so many things- weddings, vacations, parties, concerts, you name it. The thing that has made me most upset, however, is not being a Hope International University grad of 2011. I'm ok with it now and trust that EVENTUALLY I'll hold that diploma. So even though this month is bitter sweet and I won't be a college grad yet, I WILL be a MERCY grad! I found out this week that I will be graduating with 4 of my lovely Mercy sisters on June 9th! June 9th! That's one month short of the 6 month program! Some lovely ladies take longer than 6 months, and I honestly thought I'd be one of them. I never thought I'd be leaving at the 6 month mark, let alone 5 months! And it's all because of the crazy, cool things God has been doing in my life. He has transformed me and restored my hope. So look out So Cal, here I come!!!
Love, Sarah Michelle
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
FIESTY, FIERCE AND LOVING IT!
Life at Mercy...oh man.
To those of you who have been in treatment before, you know that you HAVE to find a way to have some fun sometimes. In a place that is so emotionally draining, you need to laugh every once in a while. I guess that's true for "real life" as well. LOL. So anyways, the other day my friend and I took the trash out to the dumpster and it was SO heavy that we had to push the trash bag on a cart. After we emptied the trash I asked if she'd give me a ride back on the cart, expecting a quick, little trip back to the front door. No. She ran as fast as she could all over the parking lot. I was terrified (the rickety old cart is only inches from the asphalt and if I fell, that would be bad news bears. Major road burn.) but had so much fun and laughed hysterically. Of course (knowing our luck), staff saw the whole thing, but they must have been in a good mood that day because we didn't get in trouble. We both agreed that getting in trouble for that would have been worth it.
We had a big celebration for Cinco de Mayo. The Spanish-speaking girls and I (we are 3 now---ha ha.) planned a special meal and worked super hard. We made mole, pico de gallo, salad, tortillas, and agua de sandia. (the best drink EVER). I may be biased but it was pretty bomb. Then while we all ate we listened to Reggaeton. It was so much fun. I forgot it's possible to have fun at meals. What a nice reminder!
Something I've been really proud of - not engaging in eating disorder behaviors. Here, in residential, you have a lot more freedom than in a hospital. So it's easier to "get away" with doing eating disorder crap. I am in no way proud of what I'm about to admit, but even in hospitals, (having locked bathrooms, being put on 1 to 1's, plate checks, etc,) you can find ways to do things counter-recovery. My point in admitting I did these things in past places is to show you the change in me that is taking place. Here, I have plenty of opportunities to do things I shouldn't, and I DON'T because I don't WANT to. Yes, at the beginning of my stay here I will admit that I took advantage of the freedom given here, but I can PROUDLY say it's been a good, solid chunk of time that I have not resorted to the eating disorder. Yes, I'm still having some anxiety about weight gain, but holy crap, I'm telling you, this is a HEART change. Praise God!
Why is this a heart change? Why am I finally finding hope and healing? Yes, I am working through tough issues and in doing so, I feel more free. Yes, I'm eating right and exercising appropriately. Yes, I'm learning of better ways to express my emotions. But really, when it comes down to it...pure and simple...it's because of Jesus Christ. If you don't know Him, you should, because He will turn your life around in such a crazy awesome way!
Another victory- I ate a cheeseburger. BIG DEAL! Last time I had one here (2 or 3 months ago), I bawled my eyes out and it took me a good 45 minutes, if not more, to eat the thing. This time, I ate it, had normal conversation with my friends, and even laughed. I mentioned this to them and brought up last time and they said, "Oh, yes, Sarah. We remember alright." Ha ha. I guess it's not every day you see people crying over a common American meal, so it would be hard to forget. Anyways, my table started clapping, then all of a sudden the whole house joined in. It was so embarrassing but I was so proud of myself that I started crying (which made me more embarrassed.) What a night. And the next day? I had a cookie and ice cream! Bam! I felt so full afterwards, but I worked through my guilt and got through it.
It was hard to be away from home on Mother's Day, but I got to call my mama and tell her this is the last event that I'll miss. No more missing holidays/birthdays/vacations/weddings/parties because of treatment! I have such an amazing mom. I know I'm so blessed to have a prayer-warrior mom backing me up. I love you, mama.
Later that night we got to go to a Disciple/Kutlass/Newsboys concert, which was AWESOME. We had so much fun! I didn't realize how many Kutlass songs I knew. They were bomb! And then there's Newsboys...oh how I love seeing them in concert. But since when did Peter Fuller and the guy with the dreads leave? I was so sad to find out they aren't in the band anymore, but Michael Tait (from DC Talk) is a great replacement. It was such a great show!
So that's a lot of what's been going on lately. I'm continued to be blown away with all that God is doing in my life. I honestly never thought I could ever live a life free from anorexia. But now I'm working it out. This alone is proof that God exists and is alive and active in our lives. To all the wonderful men, women and children I've had the privilege to get to know who struggle with an eating disorder, THERE IS HOPE. Keep fighting.
Love and miss you all.....
Sarah Michelle
To those of you who have been in treatment before, you know that you HAVE to find a way to have some fun sometimes. In a place that is so emotionally draining, you need to laugh every once in a while. I guess that's true for "real life" as well. LOL. So anyways, the other day my friend and I took the trash out to the dumpster and it was SO heavy that we had to push the trash bag on a cart. After we emptied the trash I asked if she'd give me a ride back on the cart, expecting a quick, little trip back to the front door. No. She ran as fast as she could all over the parking lot. I was terrified (the rickety old cart is only inches from the asphalt and if I fell, that would be bad news bears. Major road burn.) but had so much fun and laughed hysterically. Of course (knowing our luck), staff saw the whole thing, but they must have been in a good mood that day because we didn't get in trouble. We both agreed that getting in trouble for that would have been worth it.
We had a big celebration for Cinco de Mayo. The Spanish-speaking girls and I (we are 3 now---ha ha.) planned a special meal and worked super hard. We made mole, pico de gallo, salad, tortillas, and agua de sandia. (the best drink EVER). I may be biased but it was pretty bomb. Then while we all ate we listened to Reggaeton. It was so much fun. I forgot it's possible to have fun at meals. What a nice reminder!
Something I've been really proud of - not engaging in eating disorder behaviors. Here, in residential, you have a lot more freedom than in a hospital. So it's easier to "get away" with doing eating disorder crap. I am in no way proud of what I'm about to admit, but even in hospitals, (having locked bathrooms, being put on 1 to 1's, plate checks, etc,) you can find ways to do things counter-recovery. My point in admitting I did these things in past places is to show you the change in me that is taking place. Here, I have plenty of opportunities to do things I shouldn't, and I DON'T because I don't WANT to. Yes, at the beginning of my stay here I will admit that I took advantage of the freedom given here, but I can PROUDLY say it's been a good, solid chunk of time that I have not resorted to the eating disorder. Yes, I'm still having some anxiety about weight gain, but holy crap, I'm telling you, this is a HEART change. Praise God!
Why is this a heart change? Why am I finally finding hope and healing? Yes, I am working through tough issues and in doing so, I feel more free. Yes, I'm eating right and exercising appropriately. Yes, I'm learning of better ways to express my emotions. But really, when it comes down to it...pure and simple...it's because of Jesus Christ. If you don't know Him, you should, because He will turn your life around in such a crazy awesome way!
Another victory- I ate a cheeseburger. BIG DEAL! Last time I had one here (2 or 3 months ago), I bawled my eyes out and it took me a good 45 minutes, if not more, to eat the thing. This time, I ate it, had normal conversation with my friends, and even laughed. I mentioned this to them and brought up last time and they said, "Oh, yes, Sarah. We remember alright." Ha ha. I guess it's not every day you see people crying over a common American meal, so it would be hard to forget. Anyways, my table started clapping, then all of a sudden the whole house joined in. It was so embarrassing but I was so proud of myself that I started crying (which made me more embarrassed.) What a night. And the next day? I had a cookie and ice cream! Bam! I felt so full afterwards, but I worked through my guilt and got through it.
It was hard to be away from home on Mother's Day, but I got to call my mama and tell her this is the last event that I'll miss. No more missing holidays/birthdays/vacations/weddings/parties because of treatment! I have such an amazing mom. I know I'm so blessed to have a prayer-warrior mom backing me up. I love you, mama.
Later that night we got to go to a Disciple/Kutlass/Newsboys concert, which was AWESOME. We had so much fun! I didn't realize how many Kutlass songs I knew. They were bomb! And then there's Newsboys...oh how I love seeing them in concert. But since when did Peter Fuller and the guy with the dreads leave? I was so sad to find out they aren't in the band anymore, but Michael Tait (from DC Talk) is a great replacement. It was such a great show!
So that's a lot of what's been going on lately. I'm continued to be blown away with all that God is doing in my life. I honestly never thought I could ever live a life free from anorexia. But now I'm working it out. This alone is proof that God exists and is alive and active in our lives. To all the wonderful men, women and children I've had the privilege to get to know who struggle with an eating disorder, THERE IS HOPE. Keep fighting.
Love and miss you all.....
Sarah Michelle
Thursday, May 5, 2011
The Greatest Love Story
I feel like it's been a while since I last wrote a blog. A lot has been happening lately. God is continuing to heal certain areas of my life that I thought would never be possible.
One thing He has been showing me is that He not only cares about my needs but my wants as well. He is a deeply personal God. I saw that my account here was running low (we take money out each week to buy lunch and necessities, shampoo, coffee, etc..). I didn't want to ask my parents for more money so I just prayed and trusted that God would somehow take care of it. In a week and a half, I got over $100 in the mail! God is good! Then my friend let me listen to her cd (the new Casting Crowns cd) and I fell in love with it, but again, I knew I didn't have the money at the time to buy it. Plus we only go to the Christian book store every few weeks. So I was like, Ok, God, if you wanted me to have it right now, you'd give it to me. If not, I'll just wait." That weekend my grandma and I were chatting and she said, "I have this cd...I don't know if you want it or not..." And it was THE cd! So cool. I'm not saying I'll hope for a million dollars and God will give it to me. He's not going to give me everything I want. I'm just taken aback by God's presence. God's LOVE.
Which brings me to the point of my blog and title for it. The greatest love story. God is captivated by His people. He's madly in love with us. We just finished Easter week. There is no greater love than God sending His sinless Son to die the most brutal, gruesome, shaming death for sinful people like you and me. What a sobering week it was. Going to "Stations fo the Cross" at Bayside Church...walking through each room depicting a play-by-play of the night Jesus was crucified..feeling the crown of thorns, the whips, the cat-of-nine-tails. Hearing the sound of nails being hammered into a cross - because of my sin. Powerful. What hit me the most was a station that talked about the soldiers stripping Jusus of His clothes. The point of this "room" was to tell us that because Jesus hung naked on a cross, He can relate to my own shame. This particular room had little strips of linen that people could take as a reminder. Mine is in my room, in plain sight to see every day. I don't have to carry my shame anymore. It's already been taken care of. Another night we went to a concert. Another night we watched The Passion of The Christ, likely to be the most accurate portrayal of what happened that night and at the same time, not even close to how gruesome it actually was...AND THEN SUNDAY!....because of Christ's death, burial, and resurrection, we are able to be made whole. The greatest love story.
So I didn't really share a lot about how I'm doing. Well, in a way I did because all of this I'm still processing and am in awe of. I can't say it enough, God is doing CRAZY AWESOME things here. He is making me whole and bringing be back to life. I haven't felt this way in so long!
I have a feeling good things are going to happen this month. We have a lot of events on our calendar and I'm becoming more liberated each day. I'll keep ya'll posted.
Love, Sarah
One thing He has been showing me is that He not only cares about my needs but my wants as well. He is a deeply personal God. I saw that my account here was running low (we take money out each week to buy lunch and necessities, shampoo, coffee, etc..). I didn't want to ask my parents for more money so I just prayed and trusted that God would somehow take care of it. In a week and a half, I got over $100 in the mail! God is good! Then my friend let me listen to her cd (the new Casting Crowns cd) and I fell in love with it, but again, I knew I didn't have the money at the time to buy it. Plus we only go to the Christian book store every few weeks. So I was like, Ok, God, if you wanted me to have it right now, you'd give it to me. If not, I'll just wait." That weekend my grandma and I were chatting and she said, "I have this cd...I don't know if you want it or not..." And it was THE cd! So cool. I'm not saying I'll hope for a million dollars and God will give it to me. He's not going to give me everything I want. I'm just taken aback by God's presence. God's LOVE.
Which brings me to the point of my blog and title for it. The greatest love story. God is captivated by His people. He's madly in love with us. We just finished Easter week. There is no greater love than God sending His sinless Son to die the most brutal, gruesome, shaming death for sinful people like you and me. What a sobering week it was. Going to "Stations fo the Cross" at Bayside Church...walking through each room depicting a play-by-play of the night Jesus was crucified..feeling the crown of thorns, the whips, the cat-of-nine-tails. Hearing the sound of nails being hammered into a cross - because of my sin. Powerful. What hit me the most was a station that talked about the soldiers stripping Jusus of His clothes. The point of this "room" was to tell us that because Jesus hung naked on a cross, He can relate to my own shame. This particular room had little strips of linen that people could take as a reminder. Mine is in my room, in plain sight to see every day. I don't have to carry my shame anymore. It's already been taken care of. Another night we went to a concert. Another night we watched The Passion of The Christ, likely to be the most accurate portrayal of what happened that night and at the same time, not even close to how gruesome it actually was...AND THEN SUNDAY!....because of Christ's death, burial, and resurrection, we are able to be made whole. The greatest love story.
So I didn't really share a lot about how I'm doing. Well, in a way I did because all of this I'm still processing and am in awe of. I can't say it enough, God is doing CRAZY AWESOME things here. He is making me whole and bringing be back to life. I haven't felt this way in so long!
I have a feeling good things are going to happen this month. We have a lot of events on our calendar and I'm becoming more liberated each day. I'll keep ya'll posted.
Love, Sarah
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)