TO BLOG OR NOT TO BLOG?

Let me start off by saying that I have been debating whether or not to continue blogging. While some people have been giving great feedback and have been open-minded to my honesty and vulnerability, the negative comments keep coming. I don't know how many times I have heard:

"You're doing this for pity."
-If this is to do with my blog, I have stated several times on here that the purpose of my blog is for awareness and to update friends. If the pity thing is related to my eating disorder in general, it couldn't be farther from the truth. My disorder is not to get pity from ANYONE.

"You're being selfish." "You're hurting the people who love you." "JUST EAT."
-Do you think that if anorexia was something that easy to stop, I would have let it get this far? NO. It kills me to see what it is doing to the people I love. And 'just eating' does not make everything go away. Besides, eating disorders are not even really about the food. It's about the feelings that the person has underneath all of that, and to cope, he or she takes it out on the food.

"You have nothing to complain about." "There are starving people in third world countries." "Some people have it worse than you do."
-First of all, I realize that I have been blessed with a loving family, a home, etc. And I realize that some people are dealing with much more than I am. Please don't give me a guilt trip or tell me I should suck it up because it could be worse. That's just hurtful. And second, you don't know what I have experienced, seen, or felt. There are reasons that I have turned to such a "coping skill" (even though I recognize it is not a healthy one). You may not know the reasons, in fact, I bet you DON'T know the reasons, so please don't assume.

Ok, so that was my little venting session. If you are still reading, thanks for bearing with me.

I was reading the blog of a close friend of mine who also struggles with an eating disorder, and she wrote something that I thought was so insightful and so true that I wanted to share it with you:

"...I was recently watching a documentary about addiction and I heard a statement that grabbed my attention. In recovery an addict must turn from their old life to begin a new life, one without drugs. Doesn't sound too difficult when you read or talk about it, but in reality, it is one the hardest things someone may ever face.

In my case, my drug of choice isn't heroin, meth, or alcohol,its food, or lack there of. Food is UNAVOIDABLE so part of me could even argue, that on some levels I may have it even harder than the addict because I, unlike the addict, cannot give up the drug. In any case, I must eat or I will die, and just like the addict, this is easier said than done. On a daily basis something as simple as choosing what to eat for breakfast...lunch...and...dinner can be paralyzingly daunting. Each bite a chore. Every meal...exhausting. It's hard for me to think of my life any other way...constantly being directed by a number on a scale. Who am without all this baggage? I, like the addict, have to redefine my life say good bye to my old self and embrace a new me. It's scary, and to tell you the truth, at times I hate it. There are days that I want to give up, pick up my old bags and start back down that old familiar trail....

I wanted to share that because I feel like it gives a very accurate description of how difficult each day can be and how terrifying it is to choose what to eat in order to nourish your body.
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I recently came back from Mexico to spend time at Miracle Ranch, a children's home that I volunteer at. I used to go every chance I got, but this year, since I've been in treatment, I've hardly been down there. My trip was absolutely incredible. Just being there and spending time with the kids was a blessing. We went to the movies, played soccer, and did Christmas-themed crafts and baking. Leaving was so hard- the hospital only let me go for five days, so I felt like I didn't have enough time. I was mad at my eating disorder for taking away something that I'm so passionate about. It makes me want to fight harder.

That being said, I am about to start a six month residential program called Mercy Ministries up in Northern Ca. I know that I need this structure and continual support, but I am terrified. I will have no cell phone or internet, so basically the only form of communication I can have is through writing letters. I will, however, have my mom update my blog so that my loyal 12 followers (hahaha) can know how things are going. I would love to hear from you while I'm gone because I'm sure I'll get homesick. Pictures always make me smile,too! (hint hint). I'll include the address in my next blog b/c I'm too tired right now to dig through my pile of papers for the address. Some may say that's lazy, but hey, I call it being tired from a full day at the hospital and then a mini-shopping spree! :)

Ok, back to the present. How I am doing right now. It is still a constant, daily struggle to eat. It's something that I have to face over and over again each day, and most of the time my food is accompanied with shame and guilt. Scratch that, ALL OF THE TIME. My view of myself is not so hot, which plays into whether or not I "deserve" to eat. I also still really struggle with this "new" body I have, since I've had to gain a considerable amount of weight. I talked about it with my dietician today and let me tell you, she does not take any crap. She is hard-core, but it's what I need. So she pretty much kicked my butt into gear and is having me be more accountable to myself about doing what I know I need to do to stay healthy.

So those are my thoughts right now, in a nutshell. My hope and prayer for Mercy Ministries is that I am able to create a better relationship with God, myself, and with food. Because I KNOW, this is not the life I want to live. PERIOD.

Love, Sarah :)

You Give and Take Away, Yet My Heart Will Choose to Say, "Lord, Blessed Be Your Name."

My sister came home last night and made herself a late dinner. She sat down and asked if I had eaten my snack yet.

"Later" was my response. That's always what I say. "I will eat later..."

She finished her food, feeling satisfied and relaxed and said, "Someday, I hope you can like food as much as I do."

She doesn't know that that has been my hope for the last seven years. I am tired of feeling like I'm not normal. I am tired of being afraid of food. I'm tired of missing out on life. In the words of a friend from treatment, "I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired."

The end of 2010 is approaching, which has led me to reflect on this past year. I will have been in treatment for a total of 37 weeks this year. The rest I have spent in and out of dr appointments. I have been inpatient four times in two separate facilities in this year alone. I missed vacations to Costa Rica and Palm Springs. I've had to take a leave from work and school, which has been so hard considering I love both so very much (no sarcasm!). I have lost friends who can't seem to understand why I can't just EAT and be happy. Other friendships have been strained...I feel like I have fallen out of touch with people I care so much about.

And I almost lost my life. It just really hit me last night. I always brushed off the symptoms and signs that my body was deteriorating because I have known other girls who have seemed "sicker" than I. It didn't matter that my heart was acting up or that I didn't even have the energy to simply roll over in bed. But looking back now, I can see that death was not just a word, but a reality.

Being in treatment this year has honestly saved my life. Yes, I lost a lot and had to set many things aside, but I have gained so much more than I could have thought (no pun intended, although I have gained a significant amount of weight in order to bring me back to a "healthy" weight range.). I am slowly getting my health back- I have the energy to do the simplest things- like walk up stairs or stand for any period of time without feeling faint. I can think clearly and can remember things. And I am creating a better relationship with my sister, which makes me so incredibly happy (My eating disorder really hurt her, but we're working through it together.).

What a challenging year it has been! I have experienced so much pain- physically through refeeding (one of my friends says she'd rather be in labor again than go through refeeding!) and emotionally while looking at the root causes of my disorder. Yes, I still struggle very much with giving my body proper nutrition, but I have come so far in this last year. I am not the same person I was in March, when I first entered the hospital. I am gaining strength, motivation, and confidence. The road ahead is going to be difficult, BUT I CAN DO ALL THINGS IN CHRIST who strengthens me.
Until next time, Sarah