NEW CHAPTER, LAST BLOG

First things first, shout out to Sarah Hz!!! Keep rocking recovery, lady!!! I'm proud of you! (And of course all my other lovely friends...gotta include you, too! haha)

Ok, so.....blog..

One of my therapists once told me I had one of the “meanest” eating disorders she has ever treated.  Now considering she worked at an eating disorder hospital where she worked with patients day in and day out, that surprised me.  But looking back, it’s easier to believe her now.  I had such a deep hatred toward myself and my body.  You have no idea- no one knows- all the different ways I abused my body for so many years.  I thought I deserved it; I believed the self-inflicted abuse was necessary after what I had done and after what had been done to me.  That’s why, when I look at myself now, I am in complete awe of God.  I am in awe of the place I am at in life, the way I feel about myself.  I believed the lie that so many people believe- that I would either die from anorexia or I would struggle with it for the rest of my life.  To my friends reading this who are struggling: THIS DOESN’T HAVE TO BE FOREVER.  I don’t care what your doctor says.  I don’t care what society says or what statistics say.  My God is so much bigger than any eating disorder, no matter how severe.

I consider myself blessed to be alive.  Overcoming has been such a battle.  I’m not saying I’ve made it all the way through- I still have my moments- but I can honestly say that I am no longer CONTROLLED by an eating disorder!  I look back and wonder how my body escaped so much destruction…yes, I lost bone density and am at risk of fracturing my hip (I’m 21 for crying out loud, not 80!), my body literally ate away at my muscles, my hair started to fall out, my vitals were out of whack, I began having heart problems, the list goes on- but all this is/was reversible.  I have one friend who was given two days to live because she was at such a crucial weight and her organs began to stop working.  I WAS AT THE SAME WEIGHT.  I praise God that my body has been able to withstand all that I put it through!

Some people don’t understand eating disorders, and I’m coming to a point where I can begin to understand and accept that.  It’s not the norm for someone to refuse the very thing that will sustain your life.  But for years, all I heard from people-some out of concern and love yet some just out of ignorance- was that I needed to get over myself, that I was so selfish to be doing this to my family, that I should ‘just eat’, that someone should shove a burger down my throat, that I should get over it because worse things could happen, that there are starving children in Africa, that I just needed to pray harder and trust God ‘better’….I’ve heard it all.  So many times, I shut myself in my bathroom and cried.  I couldn’t even imagine getting a meal in, yet people shut me out because my behavior just did not make sense.  What hurt the most was hearing people say “just eat.” JUST eat.  If ‘just eating’ was that easy, I would have stopped in a HEARTBEAT.  So would my friends that I have met along my journey- the 40 year old woman with a pace maker because she flat-lined and missing teeth due to lack of calcium.  The 12 year old girl who had a meltdown over having to drink a small cup of soy milk.  The 11 year old girl who had to be hospitalized and separated from her family because she refused to eat.  The 50 year old man confined to a wheelchair because he was too emaciated to WALK.  The 60 year old woman who just wanted to be with her grandkids but couldn’t keep a meal down.  I could keep going.  Eating disorders are UGLY.  They are not FUN.  Living with anorexia or bulimia is hell.  Not only are you slowly killing your body, but you have friends and family criticizing you, doctors telling you that you just need more pills, and therapists telling you there is no chance of 100% recovery and that relapse is inevitable. 

After years of therapy, doctors appointments, support groups, treatment centers, psychiatric holds, etc and doctors were STILL scratching their heads, I began to believe that there was no hope.  I had tried EVERYTHING.  I really truly thought the only thing I was good at was losing weight- I couldn’t stop and I never lost “enough” to make me feel ok.  That’s the ugly thing about anorexia- I weighed less than I did when I was in middle school and yet I felt guilty over something as little as a couple pieces of cucumber.  At one of my lowest points, I was given a 5250 (extended psychiatric hold) that said I was severely disabled and at risk from dying because of the shape my body was in, and I STILL hid my food!!!

WHY am I sharing this with you?  To give you JUST A GLIMPSE at the fact that God is REAL and He wants to restore lives.  I couldn’t have gotten to this point on my own.  No one can, no matter how hard you try, how many therapy sessions you have…there will still be a void.  Like I said, I’m not saying I’m at 100% and that I never struggle.  I still have my moments-BUT they pass just as quickly as they come up.  I do not obsess about what I’m going to eat, how I’m going to get rid of it, or how I’m going to get out of eating with friends/family.  I FEEL FREE!!!! And I am simply in awe of God- I revisited some tough memories at Mercy and He showed up and broke down walls I had built.  I finally MEANT IT when I surrendered everything- all my fears about life, all my preconceived notions, all the hatred that I had-and gave it all to Him.  I’m not saying it was some instant ‘magic’ process.  It took time.  But oh my goodness, you CANNOT leave Mercy and still doubt if there is a God- you see the change in these girls’ lives and it’s just incredible.  Honestly, I was a little….well…peeved at God for a while…just wondering why all this had happened.  But when you seek God, the Bible says He will show up.  And He did.  And I have this peace that is kind of hard to explain.

Anyways, I’ll kind of sum up what’s been going on since I graduated from Mercy a month and a half ago.  Since I was in treatment all last year and then half of this year (shoot, make it in and out of treatment and doctors appts. and all that crap for the last 4 and a half years), I am just simply trying to adjust to REAL LIFE.  I’ve been catching up with friends and family, going out to dinner and actually EATING more than lettuce and diet coke!!!!, and looking for a job (ahem…if anyone knows any ideas…because so far job hunting kinda sucks to be honest).  I am SO EXCITED to be going back to school in August!!! Because Dave Ramsey is a genius and because of the amount of student loans I have, I am going to Cypress College and then hopefully I will transfer back to Hope in the spring.  Oh goodness, I miss Hope so much!  I have an incredible accountability partner that I meet with twice a week whom I LOVE, and I’m seeing my regular dietician once a month just to check in and make sure everything’s ok weight-wise.  I am still going to Richfield Community Church and it looks like I will be working with jr highers (I’m excited, yet still quite crushed that I will not be working with the same girls I’ve had for the last few years…trying to trust God’s plan in this).  I want to look for a college group close to my home and also am looking for a Spanish service to go to every once in a while to mix things up. J And no, to those of you who think I’m going to a Spanish-speaking service to meet nice Christian Latino men, you are…partially…wrong.  I am just looking for ways to keep practicing my Spanish, and besides, I made a decision not to date for 6 months after graduating from Mercy.  I prayed about it and decided I needed time to adjust to life again and focus on my relationship with God.  No need for boy drama! Haha. 

I got to go to Mexico a few weeks ago and catch up with the kids at the ranch, which was INCREDIBLE!!! And I didn’t bring the eating disorder along with me this time!  The week after, I went to Palm Desert with my family on vacation.  We’ve gone every year since I was a little girl, and for the past 7 years, it has been more of an overwhelming experience than vacation because I’ve had to worry about eating out at restaurants and wearing a swim suit all day.  Last year I couldn’t even go because I was at lovely BHC.  THIS YEAR, however, I had an incredible, relaxing time and even wore a bikini!  It was also cool because I got to be a little real with my cousins.  When I wear a bikini, you can see my most obvious scar.  My cousins, being young and curious, asked me about it, and while being VERY VAGUE, I got to explain how I had really been hurting but I didn’t handle it in the right ways, and I told them that if they were ever having a hard time, they could come to me.  It was cool.  We even had a “No-parents-night” where we took them to In & Out and then to get slurpees.  It was so fun to joke around with them and JUST BE NORMAL!

So overall, things have been going well.  Some days get a bit challenging, but I am reminding myself that readjusting to life doesn’t happen with a snap of the fingers.  But it’s good because it has me running to God for help.  This week I am considering…well, no…I’m going to do it…I’m calling Kaiser to see a therapist to help me out with my flashbacks.  They have kind of caught me off guard and I’ve decided I want to face them before it begins to affect my eating again.  At first I felt like doing this would be a step backwards, but a few good friends have reassured me that it’s not.  And looking back over the past seven years, I would say I’m in a great place- so why not take some precautionary measures to keep it that way.  I look forward to the day when I have NO MORE APPOINTMENTS!  But two or three a month is a lot better than 16, so I’ll take it!

I decided this would be my last blog entry under Beauty from Ashes.  It’s time to close this chapter and start a new one.  And since the main point of this blog was to keep people updated while I was in treatment, I would say its purpose is gone.  And for the sake of being corny, since I started this blog with a song that really fit with how my life was at the time, I’ll end with one that I heard the other night.  Listen to it if you can.  It made me BAWL with tears of relief!

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Fw9EDKGHTU

Third Day- Born Again
Well, today I found myself,
After searching all these years,
And the man that I saw,
He wasn't at all who I'd thought He'd be,

I was lost when You found me here,
And I was broken beyond repair,
Then You came along and sang Your song over me
It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time,
In my life

Make a promise to me now,
Reassure my heart somehow,
That the love that I feel,
is so much more real than anything
I've a feeling in my soul,
And I pray that I'm not wrong,
That the life I have now,
It is only the beginning
It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time

It feels like I'm breathing
It feels like I'm moving
For the very first time
For the very first time


Thank you to everyone who encouraged me and prayed for me along the way.  Love you all.  And to my friends who are still in the middle of this battle, DON’T STOP!

Love, Sarah Michelle

HOMECOMING

    So my days here at Mercy are coming to a close.....I can hardly believe it!  I am just SO excited because I feel like such a different person-- I KNOW I'm a different person.
   To think back to last year- I had to have a liquid diet for the first few weeks of my hospitalization because my stomach couldn't handle solid food.  That was just last year!  This week I had cheesecake on our outing, I tried REAL Dr. Pepper, and I had optional dessert. ( a pumpkin spice cookie).   Holy crap! This is like a whole new world for me!  And I'm not blowing up like a blimp (like the eating disorder would want me to think).  I'm HAPPY!
   I cannot wait to go home and live a normal life again.  Going to school, working, spending time with family and friends.  And God has put such big dreams in my heart that I plan to pursue.  Coming to Mercy, I had no expectation for finding freedom or healing.  After all, everything I had tried for the last few years was only temporary.  So it is truly a MIRACLE that I am demolishing all the strongholds in my life.  A miracle only God could orchestrate.  Yes, I still have hard days.  Yes, it's still a battle- but not every second of the day.  I will have to stay vigilant, but I have confidence for the first time, that I can work it out.  I am so excited and thankful for a second chance at life!  I want nothing to do with my old behaviors.  It's time to thrive!
  
Eph. 3:19   "May you experience the love of Christ, though it is SO GREAT you will never fully understand it.  Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God."

Love, Sarah Michelle.

POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE

   Because of anorexia, I have missed out on so many things- weddings, vacations, parties, concerts, you name it.  The thing that has made me most upset, however, is not being a Hope International University grad of 2011.  I'm ok with it now and trust that EVENTUALLY I'll hold that diploma.  So even though this month is bitter sweet and I won't be a college grad yet, I WILL be a MERCY grad!  I found out this week that I will be graduating with 4 of my lovely Mercy sisters on June 9th!  June 9th!  That's one month short of the 6 month program!  Some lovely ladies take longer than 6 months, and I honestly thought I'd be one of them.  I never thought I'd be leaving at the 6 month mark, let alone 5 months!  And it's all because of the crazy, cool things God has been doing in my life.  He has transformed me and restored my hope.  So look out So Cal, here I come!!!

Love, Sarah Michelle

FIESTY, FIERCE AND LOVING IT!

   Life at Mercy...oh man.
To those of you who have been in treatment before, you know that you HAVE to find a way to have some fun sometimes.  In a place that is so emotionally draining, you need to laugh every once in a while.  I guess that's true for "real life" as well. LOL.  So anyways, the other day my friend and I took the trash out to the dumpster and it was SO heavy that we had to push the trash bag on a cart.  After we emptied the trash I asked if she'd give me a ride back on the cart, expecting a quick, little trip back to the front door.  No.  She ran as fast as she could all over the parking lot. I was terrified (the rickety old cart is only inches from the asphalt and if I fell, that would be bad news bears.  Major road burn.) but had so much fun and laughed hysterically.  Of course (knowing our luck), staff saw the whole thing, but they must have been in a good mood that day because we didn't get in trouble.  We both agreed that getting in trouble for that would have been worth it.
  We had a big celebration for Cinco de Mayo.  The Spanish-speaking girls and I (we are 3 now---ha ha.) planned a special meal and worked super hard.  We made mole, pico de gallo, salad, tortillas, and agua de sandia. (the best drink EVER).  I may be biased but it was pretty bomb.  Then while we all ate we listened to Reggaeton. It was so much fun. I forgot it's possible to have fun at meals.  What a nice reminder!
   Something I've been really proud of - not engaging in eating disorder behaviors.  Here, in residential, you have a lot more freedom than in a hospital. So it's easier to "get away" with doing eating disorder crap.  I am in no way proud of what I'm about to admit, but even in hospitals, (having locked bathrooms, being put on 1 to 1's, plate checks, etc,) you can find ways to do things counter-recovery.  My point in admitting I did these things in past places is to show you the change in me that is taking place.  Here, I have plenty of opportunities to do things I shouldn't, and I DON'T because I don't WANT to.  Yes, at the beginning of my stay here I will admit that I took advantage of the freedom given here, but I can PROUDLY say it's been a good, solid chunk of time that I have not resorted to the eating disorder.  Yes, I'm still having some anxiety about weight gain, but holy crap, I'm telling you, this is a HEART change. Praise God!
   Why is this a heart change?  Why am I finally finding hope and healing?  Yes, I am working through tough issues and in doing so, I feel more free.  Yes, I'm eating right and exercising appropriately.  Yes, I'm learning of better ways to express my emotions.  But really, when it comes down to it...pure and simple...it's because of Jesus Christ.  If you don't know Him, you should, because He will turn your life around in such a crazy awesome way!
   Another victory- I ate a cheeseburger.  BIG DEAL!  Last time I had one here (2 or 3 months ago), I bawled my eyes out and it took me a good 45 minutes, if not more, to eat the thing.  This time, I ate it, had normal conversation with my friends, and even laughed.  I mentioned this to them and brought up last time and they said, "Oh, yes, Sarah.  We remember alright."  Ha ha.  I guess it's not every day you see people crying over a common American meal, so it would be hard to forget.  Anyways, my table started clapping, then all of a sudden the whole house joined in.  It was so embarrassing but I was so proud of myself that I started crying (which made me more embarrassed.)  What a night.  And the next day?  I had a cookie and ice cream!  Bam! I felt so full afterwards, but I worked through my guilt and got through it.
   It was hard to be away from home on Mother's Day, but I got to call my mama and tell her this is the last event that I'll miss.  No more missing holidays/birthdays/vacations/weddings/parties because of treatment!  I have such an amazing mom.  I know I'm so blessed to have a prayer-warrior mom backing me up.  I love you, mama.
   Later that night we got to go to a Disciple/Kutlass/Newsboys concert, which was AWESOME.  We had so much fun! I didn't realize how many Kutlass songs I knew.  They were bomb!  And then there's Newsboys...oh how I love seeing them in concert.  But since when did Peter Fuller and the guy with the dreads leave?  I was so sad to find out they aren't in the band anymore, but Michael Tait (from DC Talk) is a great replacement.  It was such a great show!
   So that's a lot of what's been going on lately.  I'm continued to be blown away with all that God is doing in my life. I honestly never thought I could ever live a life free from anorexia.  But now I'm working it out.  This alone is proof that God exists and is alive and active in our lives.  To all the wonderful men, women and children I've had the privilege to get to know who struggle with an eating disorder, THERE IS HOPE.  Keep fighting.

Love and miss you all.....
Sarah Michelle

The Greatest Love Story

   I feel like it's been a while since I last wrote a blog.  A lot has been happening lately.  God is continuing to heal certain areas of my life that I thought would never be possible.
   One thing He has been showing me is that He not only cares about my needs but my wants as well.  He is a deeply personal God.  I saw that my account here was running low (we take money out each week to buy lunch and necessities, shampoo, coffee, etc..).  I didn't want to ask my parents for more money so I just prayed and trusted that God would somehow take care of it.  In a week and a half, I got over $100 in the mail!  God is good!  Then my friend let me listen to her cd (the new Casting Crowns cd) and I fell in love with it, but again, I knew I didn't have the money at the time to buy it.  Plus we only go to the Christian book store every few weeks.  So I was like, Ok, God, if you wanted me to have it right now, you'd give it to me.  If not, I'll just wait."  That weekend my grandma and I were chatting and she said, "I have this cd...I don't know if you want it or not..."  And it was THE cd!  So cool.  I'm not saying I'll hope for a million dollars and God will give it to me.  He's not going to give me everything I want.  I'm just taken aback by God's presence.  God's LOVE.
   Which brings me to the point of my blog and title for it.  The greatest love story.  God is captivated by His people. He's madly in love with us.  We just finished Easter week.  There is no greater love than God sending His sinless Son to die the most brutal, gruesome, shaming death for sinful people like you and me.  What a sobering week it was.  Going to "Stations fo the Cross" at Bayside Church...walking through each room depicting a play-by-play of the night Jesus was crucified..feeling the crown of thorns, the whips, the cat-of-nine-tails.  Hearing the sound of nails being hammered into a cross - because of my sin.  Powerful.  What hit me the most was a station that talked about the soldiers stripping Jusus of His clothes.  The point of this "room" was to tell us that because Jesus hung naked on a cross, He can relate to my own shame.  This particular room had little strips of linen that people could take as a reminder.  Mine is in my room, in plain sight to see every day. I don't have to carry my shame anymore. It's already been taken care of. Another night we went to a concert.  Another night we watched The Passion of The Christ, likely to be the most accurate portrayal of what happened that night and at the same time, not even close to how gruesome it actually was...AND THEN SUNDAY!....because of Christ's death, burial, and resurrection, we are able to be made whole.  The greatest love story.
  So I didn't really share a lot about how I'm doing.  Well, in a way I did because all of this I'm still processing and am in awe of.  I can't say it enough, God is doing CRAZY AWESOME things here.  He is making me whole and bringing be back to life.  I haven't felt this way in so long!
   I have a feeling good things are going to happen this month.  We have a lot of events on our calendar and I'm becoming more liberated each day.  I'll keep ya'll posted.

Love, Sarah

LET LOOSE THE CHAINS

   This week has been exciting.  It's been tough, but I've had several victories!

1.  I ate dessert....That's a BIG DEAL!

2.  I got off "couch" (after meal monitoring).  Now I have so much freedom!  Finally!  Everyone else who came after me and was put on couch was getting off after a week or two.  I think it's safe to say that after being on couch for 3 months, I've done my time!

3.  I had my 90 day evaluation and it went so well ! I found out I'll be back home in time for fall semester!  Yay!  I've missed school SO MUCH!

4.   Today (4/16) I had my first non-diet soda in almost 4 years!  I was trying to think of the last time I had "real" soda and I remembered it was when my feeding tube was clogged so they had to pump coke through it.  It was forced and I was not a happy camper.  But I did this today, on my own decision, to challenge myself!  Dude, I'm proud of myself! haha.  If you haven't struggled with an eating disorder, it may not sound like a big deal, but holy crap! Trust me! It is!  It tasted ok but I still like the taste of diet better.  I'm just glad I tried it.

So......I feel like I'm finally getting my life back!!  YAY.

   One frustration has to do with my ankle.  Here at Mercy we get to go to the gym a few times a week, which is great because I finally am learning appropriate exercise.  So I've been trying out the treadmill and it's beyond exciting because for years I was not allowed to exercise and I was physically incapable of running.  My body just couldn't handle it.  So anyways, I've been running lately, but my ankle has been hurting afterwards and sometimes has been snapping. It's disappointing because i'm finally able to do something and now I'm being told to take a break.  I'm going to the doctor soon...we'll see what happens.
   Right now, the step in counseling I'm on is quite challenging, so please keep me in your prayers.  I just want to keep going forward.  I'm finally excited and hopeful for my future.  God is good.
   If you have been writing me, thank you so much.  It's so helpful and it totally makes my day.  Love you guys.

LOVE, SARAH MICHELLE

WHY "POWERFUL WHISPER" DOESN'T HAVE TO BE AN OXYMORON

   1 Kings 19:11-12... "The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.  Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks....but the Lord was not in the wind.  After the wind there was an earthquake.  After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire.  And after the fire came a GENTLE WHISPER."
   I haven't  written a blog in a few weeks because I have been so depressed. I just got the wind knocked out of me, fell down, and couldn't manage to get back up.  At times it was scary.  At others, it was a bit pitiful.  I could barely function.  Soon I was convinced that there was no hope.  I've walked out of treatment centers before feeling confident only to fall down again and relapse even harder than before.  So in my questioning God (mainly, what's different about this time this place?), I told Him He had to show me in an UNDENIABLY HUGE way that there was hope and that I should stay at Mercy.  I was looking for God in the wind, the earthquake, the fire.  But He wasn't there.  So this past week, I walked in the program director's office and told her I wanted to pack my bags.  I was DONE.  Apparently she wasn't quite convinced, so the next day I "took a walk" with the nutrition manager.  She tried to talk some sense into me, but I wouldn't have it....I'm a bit stubborn.  I decided I'd talk to my counselor.  She knew me best anyways- she would understand that there was no point in me staying if I didn't want to be here anymore.  She had left for the day, so I decided until she came the next day I would journal and read one of my weekly assignments.  (sidenote: Ruthless Trust, Brennan Manning's sequel to the Ragamuffin Gospel- another must-read.) And as I journaled, I realized that (this is a "duh" moment) I had idolized anorexia.  Everything I did, everything I thought about, could be traced back to anorexia.  I'm not saying I LIKED being anorexic- let me make that clear.  Anorexia is hell and I certainly did not choose to be anorexic.  But it had become my safety, my norm, my familiarity, so I did make choices to follow it's "rules" over God's.
  So my counselor came the next day and I told her flat out that I was leaving.  I read her part of my journal, thinking she'd come to see that I really intended to leave, and she said, "Ok, it's time to break this idol."  So we prayed over it, and it was so powerful, but I still wasn't 100% convinced.
   Ironically, after that it was lunchtime.  So I went downstairs, ate, and then went to sit on the couch where I'm monitored for an hour after meals.  I opened my bible to Job and I found the perfect verse and I started crying:
  Job 36:15-16  "But those who suffer, He delivers in their suffering; He speakes to them in their affliction. He is  WOOING you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place FREE FROM RESTRICTION, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food."
So simple, yet so powerful.  God is wooing me from my pain, free from restriction (I realize I'm taking the restriction part out of context a  bit, but still....food restriction or not....POWERFUL.)  God is crazy good.  I was looking for Him in the "wind, earthquake, and fire" but He came in a gentle yet powerful WHISPER.
   Whether you believe in God or not, if you were to see me right now, you would see a difference.  I believe that difference is God.  Everyone here can't believe how hopeful and at peace I am.  Weekend staff came in and took double-takes because I looked ALIVE...so different from the hopeless, lethargic girl they had seen the weekend before.
   This week God has also reminded me of the power of prayer.  I was praying, my mercy "sisters" were praying, and people at home had been praying.  What I think was coolest of all is that my mom had been praying over me every day, several times a day, this week.  She used Romans 15:13 and prayed, "May the God of hope fill (Sarah) with all joy and peace as (Sarah) trusts in Him, so that (Sarah) may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit"  I am so thankful for my prayer warrior mama and for a God who LISTENS.
   Now I realize that there will still be tough days and I still have scary things to face.  But now instead of digging my heels in the ground, I'm ready to look my demons right in the eyes.
   One last thing I wanted to write about....our church, Sunset Christian Center, is awesome.  The band is INCREDIBLE.  One of the worship leaders comes to the house about once a month.  He shared with us a song that they wrote for us Mercy gals and it is so cool. Anyway, they won this contest and got to open for Mercy Me, one of today's biggest Christian bands.  The song grabbed the attention of the 10,000 concert attendees and even Nancy Alcorn, the founder of Mercy, and can now be purchased on iTunes.  Look for it!  I believe it's called "The Flood Song."  (although we like to call it the Mercy song.)

  May the God of hope fill you all with joy and peace this week.

Love, Sarah Michelle

PS. For those of you who pray, please be praying for all the faithful people who give their money to Mercy.  It costs so much to keep this 22,000 square foot house running and to provide for 40 women.  And to think there are OTHER Mercy houses and houses continuing to be built! Sheesh!  I am so thankful for this incredible opportunity for new life and for our faithful financial partners that make it possible.  If you are looking for some ministry to help, please visit mercyministries.com.  Pray about it.  Who knows the difference you could make....
PSS...Today I BOUNDED up the stairs, two at a time.  I got to the top and realized that a year ago, (even a few months ago) before I was hospitalized, I could hardly walk uup a flight of stairs because I was so weak.

just added.....youtube link of the band Kindom Band that sings The Flood.  <iframe title="YouTube video player" width="640" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/rWgcymy6R5Y" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

NIAGRA FALLS

Today, March 11, is my 2 month "Mercy-versary". I can't believe I'm at the 2 month mark. Time seems to have flown by AND dragged on at the same time.
I was able to go on my first pass last weekend. My parents and sister came up for the weekend and it was SO GOOD to just spend time with them. I got to get out for a little while, chew gum, drink coffee, and diet- mountain dew and watch a few episodes of Glee on the hotel tv. I was super proud of myself and here's why- we had to eat out all weekend, which is a huge challenge for me. It's hard to eat out for one meal, but I did it Friday through Sunday! And I'm proud to say I've graduated from lettuce and diet coke to salad (with dressing and chicken) and diet coke. It may not sound like a big deal, but it was. Maybe next time I'll even venture awaway from salads. (reminder...you even had pancakes at Ihop......mom).
This week has had it's highs and lows but there's not much to report. I still feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above water. You would think with all the other times I've been in treatment I'd "get the hang of it," but no, that doesn't happen. Some people have asked me if it's like being at camp. I don't know what kind of camps you've been to, but my memories of camp don't include doctors, nurses, feeding tubes, therapy, holds, and Code 3's. Here, meltdowns are normal- daily even, as are tantrums and fainting.
Being in a house of 30-something women dealing with real hurts is tough, overwhelming, draining. You feel for for the girl who is in the corner crying because it may have been you the day before. It's hard enough to be hurting- but to see several dozen other girls hurting? It makes my heart hurt. One quote I found this week that helps me: "At least this pain is that of recovery-the other (pain) was a dead-end." So I will keep fighting, because I trust that the battle has already been won, thanks to what Jesus did for me. ANd I will reflect on this incredible quote from The Ragamuffin Gospel ( a must-read book on God's grace.): "I could more easily contain Niagra Falls in a tea cup than I can comprehend the wild, uncontainable love of God."

Have a good week......
Sarah Michelle.

HEADING TOWARDS THE PROMISED LAND

Did you know that it took the Israelites 40 years to get into the Promised Land, but the journey itself from Egypt to this new place was only an 11 day trip? So what took 4 DECADES could have been done in a week and a half! Instead, they wandered around the same old mountain lost and confused.
How often do we do the same? Some big mountain stands in our way to freedom, but we just stare at it and stay stuck in the wilderness. We get tired, complain, and ask God what the heck He's thinking putting this mountain in our way.
I'll admit, I've done it. I still do it. I've wandered around my own little "mountain range" for 7 years. There have been times I have seen glimpses of the Promised Land, and there have also been times I've gotten pretty mad at God for "leaving me" in the wilderness. Sometimes I get so stubborn that I resort to what I know....but that only keeps me stuck in the wilderness and out of freedom.
Need an example? I'm an avid rule-follower. You don't need to know me that well to know tha I'm basically pro-rules. I think the most trouble I've ever gotten in (and quite honestly, the only trouble I can REMEMBER getting in) involved 3 rolls of toilet paper. WORD TO THE WISE: if you're in the hospital and you're bored and think it would be funny if you and your friends toilet papered the dining room, it's not. Not at all. (although looking back on it might be!) I digress...where was I? Rule-follower. Ok. I'm a rule-follower EXCEPT when it comes to doing things that are self-destructive. SO this week, I saw the mountains that were before me. And I started to doubt myself and became discouraged. Because without God I can't do this. So instead of facing a tough situation, I ran. I broke some "rules" here at Mercy, and I had to deal with the consequences. What did I realize this week? I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THE WILDERNESS ANYMORE. I have to make a choice each day to move towards freedom.
The Israelites got right to the border of the Promised Land and they didn't want to go in to take the land. They were too scared. They doubted. And so they waited another 40 years before going in. I don't want to sit at he border, debating whether or not I want freedom. I want it.
Deuteronomy 1:6 says, "The Lord our God said to us in Horeb, you have dwelt long enough on this mountain."
The Israeilites needed to move on. They needed to leave the wilderness and take the land that God had promised. I need to do the same. Crossing over is difficult and painful, but like Deuteronomy says, I've dwelt on this for far too long.

Love, Sarah

A Lesson in Love......and Grace

Monday was Valentine's Day. By the time you, my faithful followers, read this, it will probably have been two Mondays ago. I'm rabbit-trailing already. All you need to know was that Valentine's Day was this week. Ok...re-focus.
So this week, God has been showing me how much I am loved, and I am blown away. He has used a bunch of people whom I both do and don't know, to remind me. Monday morning, all 30 something of us girls were given hand-made Valentines from a local church. Then at night, we got more hand-made Valentines from a DIFFERENT church group. And THEN another church group came and gave us each a balloon and a goodie bag. They even presonalized the balloons with our names. Then the next day, we each got more goodie bags from the church we go to, Sunset Christian Center. AND THEN (yes, there's MORE!), a lady from Sunset brought us thirty four DOZEN roses. Thirty four DOZEN. We were so blessed this week! To top it off, I got nearly 20 cards on Valentine's Day and more on the days to follow. A very sweet friend of mine sent me beautiful flowers and a purse that she crocheted for me. And then the box that gave me the biggest smile......I ran around the house showing off it's contents to EVERYONE. The box was from my Valentine. My Valentine is the cutest boy in the entire world. He's a stud, let me tell you. He has such a big smile and I love him so much. My godson, Chaysen James Conklin. There were pictures of him holding a bear and then he (and Lauren..hahah) sent the bear to me. Future Valentine's have a high standard to meet. If you haven't seen this little boy, go look at pictures on facebook. Your heart will melt, and if it doesn't, you don't have a heart. True story.
So in the meantime, God has been saying, "Hey Sarah, wake UP! I love you. Not only that, but I actually LIKE you, too." It's such a SIMPLE yet profound concept. The Creator of the universe loves....me.
Which brings me to grace. I realize I am a stinkin' mess of a human being. You are, too. Sorry if I bursted your bubble. But think about it, we don't deserve God's love, but he FREELY gives it to us. Grace. AMAZING GRACE.
So my big issue is accepting that grace. I know I don't deserve it, so I work really hard to "earn" it. Or I punish myself because I know I don't deserve it. (enter eating disorder and self-harm.) Neither option is getting me anywhere. So I've spent the last week really reflecting on this GIFT. God couldn't love me anymore or any less. It's not what I do, it's who I am in Christ.
Those are my thoughts for this week. Last little update for you, since I've said I would update ya'll on the ups and downs on my journey. Notice how I said "ya'll?" I'm living with girls from all over the country. I'm praying I don't come home saying "hecka." Anyways, I'm working through a lot of stuff, and I take it out on the food. So lately, because I've been dealing with a million emotions, meals have become even HARDER. Last night, for example, we had a dinner that could be considered a staple in the American diet, but to me, it's one of the "scariest" foods I could eat. I ate it, but let me tell you, I sobbed. It was one of those pathetic, shoulder-heaving, mascara-down-the-face, I want-my-mamma kind of sobs. It was embarassing. Thankfully, a lot of the girls here understand because they've dealt with the same thing. Anyways, my whole point in telling you all this is because I need some prayer. Please pray along with me. Pray for endurance, because this is a long, draining, every-day battle. But I'm in it to WIN IT.

Love, Sarah.

PRAYER OF HOPE

To all the peolple I've met along my journey....my Remuda lovelies, my ABC girls, my EDIOP ladies, my BHC ladies and gents, Adult 1 and Adult 2 folk, and my KMHC peeps:

YOU ARE ON MY HEART TONIGHT. I PRAY THAT GOD GIVES YOU PEACE, PERSERVERENCE, AND HOPE. ALTHOUGH WE DIDN'T MEET IN THE BEST CIRCUMSTANCES, I'M THANKFUL THAT WE HAD THE CHANCE TO MEET. WHETHER WE JUST KNOW EACH OTHER BY NAME OR WE SHARED OUR HURTS AND HOPES, I'M PRAYING FOR YOU. I CARE ABOUT YOU. AND EACH ONE OF YOU DESERVES TO LIVE IN FREEDOM. MAY YOU FIND THAT FREEDOM AS YOU PRESS IN TO GOD. YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU ARE VALUABLE. YOU DESERVE FREEDOM. TO THOSE WHO BECAME FRIENDS OR SISTERS, I LOVE YOU AND AM THANKFUL FOR YOU. KEEP GOING! TO THE WONDERFUL LADIES I HAVE COME TO KNOW OUTSIDE OF A PROGRAM (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) I AM PRAYING FOR YOU, TOO. I PRAY THAT GOD GIVES YOU ENDURANCE FOR THE DAYS YOU FEEL LIKE GIVING UP. I PRAY FOR PEACE WHEN THINGS GET OVERWHELIMING AND THAT NASTLY LITTLE F WORD POPS INTO YOUR MIND. (F FOR FAT, OF COURSE.....GET YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER. SHEESH!)
AND I PRAY FOR FIESTY-NESS TO COME OUT SWINGING!

LOVE, SARAH

ALL THAT I CAN SAY RIGHT NOW

I'm keeping this blog entry short and simple. This program is tough, and I really want to give up and go home. I have little energy to fight. But I give all that I have because I want freedom more. There's a song that's been re-playing in my head the last few days that I thought I'd share. Look it up and listen.

All That I Can Say....David Crowder

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give, thats my everything

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

And this is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
And this is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.

Love, Sarah

IN WAITING

Today is a particular hard day for me, mainly because I was supposed to be starting the first day of my last semester as an undergrad at Hope. But I haven't attended for almost a year now and I am uncertain of when I'll be back. Add severe homesickness and a longing to do the things I love, and that makes for a complete breakdown. Plus we just had ice cream. Of course, today of all days.
This time of waiting is difficult. I am waiting on the Lord to heal me. He is pruning me and cutting off the fruitless branches, and it is very painful. He is bringing up deep hurts from my past that He wants me to work through. Personally, I'd rather run from them. But I've done that my entire life. I think it's safe to say that it's time for a change.
And I found the perfect verses for me at this time.

Psalm 40:1-3....."I WAITED patiently and expectantly for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, steadying my steps and establishing my goings...."
I love you all....Sarah Michelle

PRAYER AND SURRENDER

Hello faithful followers! I hope everyone is doing well. I have been so overwhelmed this week. I'll be honest I've cried a lot and wanted to come back home many times. A few days ago I had a meeting with my dietician and my fitness coordinator. I was told I need to gain more weight because I am still not in a healthy weight range. I guess that has to do with my eating habits before I came in (duh) and the fact that I kinda, sorta bargained with my dietician at BHC in order to stay in a semi-safe state. Anyways, I started bawling and arguing that my goal weight range could not possibly match up with what these women were telling me. I thought I was done gaining weight and here I am finding out I still have a bit to go. So many fears and concerns were rushing through my mind. As I continued to give my pathetic reasons that they were, well, wrong, she gave me a contract saying tht I would commit to gaining said weight. They told me I didn't have to sign it right away, so I left their office angry and wondering where my suitcases were. There was no way I would gain that weight. Nope, I decided I needed to go home. So let me just tell you that God know just how to stop you in your tracks. While I was thinking about how I would tell my parents, I put in a cd my counselor gave as an assignment about addiction. Joyce Meyer said something like, "Many people feel ready to let God heal them until they realize they have to surrender it ALL to Him." Huh....ok, God, I get it. There are still things I need to let go of. Fine. But I'm still so unsure of this program. I know you can heal me. I'm not concerned about that. I'm concerned about my stubborness getting in the way.
So the next day, I'm still thinking that I need to go home. The weight
issue aside, this program is INTENSE and I'm homesick. There's a song on in the backround and I hear
"Bring me joy, bring me peace.
Bring the chance to be free.
Bring me anything that gives you glory.
And I know there will be days
When this life bring me pain,
But if that's what it takes to praise you,
Jesus, bring the rain."

My thought: "Ohhhhhhh crapppppp. THis IS where You want me right now,God, isn't it?"
So I prayed, asking that God will help me to surrender EVERYTHING at the cross. It's something I have to do everyday. But I trust that He is faithful and will finish His work in me. (Phil 1:6)

Love, Sarah

Mercy Address

"I fell for this so many times
It's ridiculous
And still I stick with this
I'm sick of this but in my sickness and addiction
You're as addictive as they get
Evil as they come vindictive as they make em
My friends keep asking why I can't just walk away from
I'm addicted
To the pain, the stress, the drama
I'm drownin' so I guess imma mess
Cursed and blessed
But this time imma
Ain't changing my mind
I'M CLIMING OUT OF THIS ABYSS." -Eminem


No matter how scared I am of this next step, I am so ready! I'm done with this disorder.

Thank you for all of the support you guys have been giving. It means so much. I won't have access to my blog while I'm at Mercy but will have my mom update it periodically. Some of you have been asking me for my address, since I'll really only get to stay in contact thru 'snail mail', so here it is:
Sarah Hoff
P. O. Box 1628
Lincoln, CA 95648-1628


To all of the incredible people I have had the privillege of meeting and getting to know over the last few yrs, who struggle with eating disorders, keep your heads up! I'm praying for you and love you all!

Love, Sarah