A Week In The Life Of Treatment

Thank you for all who kept our unit in your prayers this week. The drama has definitely died down, THANK GODDDDDDD! We did, however, get six admissions in one day and that has brought on a new challenge. To say space is 'tight' is an understatement. Everyone is becoming quite claustrophobic, so we are once again having to adapt. Any kind of change is really hard for me, along with many of the others here, so we're all practicing our deep breathing and distress tolerance. AH, the therapists would be so proud that I'm using my DBT skills. For those who don't know, DBT is dialectical behavioral therapy. It's kind of like cog-b, except its focus is on tolerating uncomfortable feelings and being MINDFUL. Man, I tell you, if I collected a quarter from someone each time I heard the word 'mindful', I'd have enough money to buy my next tattoo. Ok...maybe I'm exaggerating a bit.



 During my free time here (basically after program at night), I have been reading some of Chelsea Handler's books. THEY.ARE.HILARIOUS. I've always enjoyed watching her shows, and her books are just as good. So funny. The first I read was Are You there, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea. and the second one was Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang. The stories are really random and are made funnier with her own words that she makes up, like 'shadoobie.' I think pretty soon I'm going to have to read a real book...hahah



 My meal plan also got upped this week.....AGAIN. I'm now up to 4 Ensure pluses a day to go ALONG WITH my meals and 3 snacks. To those of who have been fortunate enough to not try Ensure, or who don't know what I'm even talking about right now, they are cans of nutritional drinks that old people and eating disordered-people use to 'gain or maintain weight.' And they are DEFINITELY an aqquired taste. Lucky? for me, I aqquired that taste years ago...but they do get old and make for full stomachs. I'm trying to push through the feelings that come up for me when I feel full, but it's a challenge.



 In one of my previous blog posts, I talked about a group we have here at the hospital called Exposure Food (see 'Breadsticks'). So Tuesday we had birthday cake, which seemed fitting because it was one patient's birthday. I have never really been a cake fan, even before the eating disorder. But as soon as I started to get overwhelmed sitting with it in front of me at the table, I was brought back to birthdays celebrated at Miracle Ranch. Going shopping with Kristen for ingrediants, bugging Isaias (the cook) by 'intruding' in his kitchen, baking cakes or other desserts, having the kids decorate (and make a HUGE MESS :) haha), and the excitement in the kids voices as they sang "QUEREMOS PASTEL! PASTEL! PASTEL!!! QUEREMOS PASTEL! PASTEL! PASTEL!!!" (We want cake, cake cake!). The smile on the child's face knowing that he or she was being celebrated and that it was HIS/HER time. I miss Mexico. I may make a fool out of myself sometimes by saying something incorrectly, but the Ranch is where my heart is. So, with those memories in mind, I ate that freakin' piece of cake. It was SO HARD, but I did it! (And I may or may not have sang the 'Queremos pastel' song in my head the whole time. haha)

 ...Thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn I had a mini-melt down. I was under the impression that if I had the cake I wouldn't have to have my afternoon snack- an Ensure Plus, a fruit, and a fat. After the group, the dietician informed me that the cake only 'covered' my Ensure Plus. I was already feeling so full! And that cake was sweet! But there is no arguing with the dietician, so I went in and had 6 prunes and 6 almonds for the rest of my snack. I started crying, it sucked. Only in E.D. hospitals will you find women or men crying over prunes and nuts. I realize this sounds kind of lame...unless you who are reading also struggle with an eating disorder. Then you know what I mean. Quite often, meals are accompanied with crying.



Thursday, I went with some of the girls on an outing. We were taken by a therapist and dietician to an italian restaurant called Dominico's. Because I'm going on the outing so early in my treatment stay (another revision made to my schedule to make my second stay here at BHC more challenging), my dietician informed me that I had to follow my meal plan while we were out, instead of eating mindfully (there's that word again...) like the others. So I'm already stressed out about that. Then they pass out the menus...

 Freak-out #1- Pasta. Pasta is a big fear food for me. Crap crap crap....

 Freak-out #2- I need to pick out a cream-based sauce to count as one of my fat exchanges. Alfredo sauce. Holy Shadoobie! (that was added for any Chelsea Handler fans).



Then I ordered a milk, to cover my dairy exchange...



 Freak-out #3- I find out it is whole milk. WHOLE MILK!



I did enjoy the conversation I had at the table with the girls. That, and the fact that I was allowed two cups of coffee, made things a little easier. FYI PEOPLE- COFFEE CAN MAKE ANYTHING BETTER.     After lunch, some of the girls walked to a pumkin patch down the street, but I went with some girls to Rite Aid to buy some random things-nail polish remover, slippers, etc. I decided I wanted to challenge myself once again, so for my afternoon snack I had Thrifty's ice cream. I remember when I was little I loved going and getting mint chip ice cream. I asked the dietician how much i would need to get to 'cover' my snack, and she said 1and a half scoops and a cone (Insert freak-out #4). BUT I DID IT! I couldn 't remember the last time I had eaten ice cream, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?! Even though it was a challenge, to say the least, it tasted so good!!! Once I got back to BHC and realized all that I had accomplished, I my eating disorder startede to freak out a bit, but I talked myself through it. What a day!



 Last but not least, I got a pass yesterday to go to Chayse's dedication and Chris' Send-off Party. For those who don't know, Chayse is my 2 month-old godson. His parents are my friend, Lauren, and her husband,
 Chris Conklin. This little guy is a stud, man. So earlier in the week, I asked for a pass so I could leave for a couple hours to be there, and my pass was denied. I was DEVASTATED. My therapist encouraged me to re-submit my pass request and make a few changes to it. Thankfully I was able to go, even though the director made the hours 2pm- 4:30 (too short!). It was nice to leave the hospital for a little while, and I was overjoyed to be at my godson's dedication. What a special event!



So, that's an overview of my week. It was pretty intense and had its highs and lows, but I'm still here. haha
But seriously, thank you for the prayers and encouragement. God is faithful.

Love, Sarah

Duh-RAMA!

So, I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that putting 12 women in a small space, living together, there will be drama.  Especially when you add in the fact that we are all here struggling with emotional stuff.  But OH! MY! GOODNESS!!!!!!!! These last few days have been intense, and I have found myself wanting to book it.  I have never been good at handling conflict- even if I'm not in the middle of it.  So, needless to say, my anxiety has skyrocketed over the last few days.  It looks like things are starting to calm down- after almost an ENTIRE day processing and venting, but I do ask for your prayers.  For patience.  For things to be resolved.  For peace.  I am praying that we are able to work past these little tiffs and strengthen our community because, really, we need each other.  This process is one of the hardest things we will have to ever do and we need to lift each other up. 

Other than that, my meal plan was increased today and I'm already struggling with it.  My tummy can only take so much!!!  So for the next few days, I plan to become close friends with mylanta.

Just wanted to write a quick note updating you all.  Thanks for your prayers. Byeeeeeee

BREADSTICKS!

Right now, I am currently inpatient at BHC Alhambra Hospital.  I am back after being discharged from my 5 month stay only six weeks later.  It came as a dissapointment to me, but I know it is what I need.  My life has been taken away from me- school, work, Mexico, my high school church ladies, and just the ability to have FUN.  I want all of this back, so I am, in a way, relieved to be back here getting help.

Today we had a group called "Exposure Food."  The group is basically what is sounds like.  They give us a food that patients either avoided eating or binged on, depending on the disorder.  Past exposure foods have been doughnuts, candy bars, chips and dip, and cinnimon rolls.  Part of the challenge is just sitting with it in front of you.  Sometimes that is ENOUGH of a challenge.  But they encourage each person to try it, and if he or she completes the snack, it will replace the mandatory afternoon snack.  Are you following still?  They even give us incentives sometimes by bringing diet coke or coffee for those who try the "fear food."  During the group, you need to choose a coping skill, and I chose journaling.  This is what it looked like:

"Breadsticks from Papa Johns?!?!?!  God, I'm so scared!  And full from lunch!  God, help!  I want to beat this, but I'm teriffied of my freaking thighs rubbing together!  I want to go home.  Hide in my bed.  I already feel like such a failure for just THINKING about trying them...and I haven't even touched them yet!  But who says that if I try these two breadsticks that I will be a failure?  If my goal is to beat ED (eating disorder), wouldn't eating this be considered a success???  I can just imagine someone w/o an E.D. laughing at me right now.  I'm having a mini-panic attack over BREADSTICKS! Lame!  I'm afraid to simply touch them.  I don't want the grease and the parm. cheese on my fingers.  I think it would be easier to eat with a fork and knife...but that's not normal...Then again, neither is being afraid of bread.  The verse at the bottom of my journal is very fitting- John 10:10 "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  God sent salvation so that I DON'T have to live in bondage........So...I tried two bites...and honestly, they are not appealing to me.  They taste like cardboard.  But I tried, so I get to enjoy diet coke :) :) :)

So here's to SOMEDAY eating breadsticks from Olive Garden with my sister.  Cheers!

Beauty from Ashes

So, for a while I have been considering starting a blog for friends and family to be updated on how treatment is going.  I've weighed the pros and cons (no pun intended), and I have finally decided to give it a shot.  I am not the best writer, but my goal for this blog is that people can gain insight and understanding about how serious eating disorders are and also to share my journey with you all.  I believe God is going to bring "beauty from these ashes" and turn this nightmare into something that will bring glory to Him.

I don't know how many times I have been told I should just "eat a cheeseburger and get over [myself]" or "just hang around me for a while, Sarah, and you'll gain some weight."  I've also heard the "I wish I had as much self-control around food like you so I could lose a few lbs" and "what's your secret?"  See, the truth is,  anorexia is hell.  Eating disorders are not fad diets or a way to get attention. In fact, it's really not about the food.  It's about the feelings underneath.  The pain that women, men, and yes, children, hide behind their painted-on masks.  We just take it out on the food.  To a normal person, this makes no sense.  Plenty of people have told me over the years that they just want to shake me and tell me to eat.  I know what I'm doing to my body and I WANT help.  PRAISE GOD I am getting help right now.  I hope that through my honesty in these blogs, you can gain a better understanding of the disease.
    
I also believe in an ALMIGHT GOD who has the power to save.  Even though I have been in bondage for seven years, I believe He will bring something good out of this hell.  And so my second purpose of this blog is to chart my progress and in turn, glorify God.

Thanks for joining me on my journey.

I wanted this site to have a name, and I thought of a song that seems to fit well.  It's "Beauty from Pain" by Superchic[k].  Please listen to it if you get a chance!

"Beauty From Pain"

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought BEAUTY FROM ASHES
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain