A Week In The Life Of Treatment

Thank you for all who kept our unit in your prayers this week. The drama has definitely died down, THANK GODDDDDDD! We did, however, get six admissions in one day and that has brought on a new challenge. To say space is 'tight' is an understatement. Everyone is becoming quite claustrophobic, so we are once again having to adapt. Any kind of change is really hard for me, along with many of the others here, so we're all practicing our deep breathing and distress tolerance. AH, the therapists would be so proud that I'm using my DBT skills. For those who don't know, DBT is dialectical behavioral therapy. It's kind of like cog-b, except its focus is on tolerating uncomfortable feelings and being MINDFUL. Man, I tell you, if I collected a quarter from someone each time I heard the word 'mindful', I'd have enough money to buy my next tattoo. Ok...maybe I'm exaggerating a bit.



 During my free time here (basically after program at night), I have been reading some of Chelsea Handler's books. THEY.ARE.HILARIOUS. I've always enjoyed watching her shows, and her books are just as good. So funny. The first I read was Are You there, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea. and the second one was Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang. The stories are really random and are made funnier with her own words that she makes up, like 'shadoobie.' I think pretty soon I'm going to have to read a real book...hahah



 My meal plan also got upped this week.....AGAIN. I'm now up to 4 Ensure pluses a day to go ALONG WITH my meals and 3 snacks. To those of who have been fortunate enough to not try Ensure, or who don't know what I'm even talking about right now, they are cans of nutritional drinks that old people and eating disordered-people use to 'gain or maintain weight.' And they are DEFINITELY an aqquired taste. Lucky? for me, I aqquired that taste years ago...but they do get old and make for full stomachs. I'm trying to push through the feelings that come up for me when I feel full, but it's a challenge.



 In one of my previous blog posts, I talked about a group we have here at the hospital called Exposure Food (see 'Breadsticks'). So Tuesday we had birthday cake, which seemed fitting because it was one patient's birthday. I have never really been a cake fan, even before the eating disorder. But as soon as I started to get overwhelmed sitting with it in front of me at the table, I was brought back to birthdays celebrated at Miracle Ranch. Going shopping with Kristen for ingrediants, bugging Isaias (the cook) by 'intruding' in his kitchen, baking cakes or other desserts, having the kids decorate (and make a HUGE MESS :) haha), and the excitement in the kids voices as they sang "QUEREMOS PASTEL! PASTEL! PASTEL!!! QUEREMOS PASTEL! PASTEL! PASTEL!!!" (We want cake, cake cake!). The smile on the child's face knowing that he or she was being celebrated and that it was HIS/HER time. I miss Mexico. I may make a fool out of myself sometimes by saying something incorrectly, but the Ranch is where my heart is. So, with those memories in mind, I ate that freakin' piece of cake. It was SO HARD, but I did it! (And I may or may not have sang the 'Queremos pastel' song in my head the whole time. haha)

 ...Thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn I had a mini-melt down. I was under the impression that if I had the cake I wouldn't have to have my afternoon snack- an Ensure Plus, a fruit, and a fat. After the group, the dietician informed me that the cake only 'covered' my Ensure Plus. I was already feeling so full! And that cake was sweet! But there is no arguing with the dietician, so I went in and had 6 prunes and 6 almonds for the rest of my snack. I started crying, it sucked. Only in E.D. hospitals will you find women or men crying over prunes and nuts. I realize this sounds kind of lame...unless you who are reading also struggle with an eating disorder. Then you know what I mean. Quite often, meals are accompanied with crying.



Thursday, I went with some of the girls on an outing. We were taken by a therapist and dietician to an italian restaurant called Dominico's. Because I'm going on the outing so early in my treatment stay (another revision made to my schedule to make my second stay here at BHC more challenging), my dietician informed me that I had to follow my meal plan while we were out, instead of eating mindfully (there's that word again...) like the others. So I'm already stressed out about that. Then they pass out the menus...

 Freak-out #1- Pasta. Pasta is a big fear food for me. Crap crap crap....

 Freak-out #2- I need to pick out a cream-based sauce to count as one of my fat exchanges. Alfredo sauce. Holy Shadoobie! (that was added for any Chelsea Handler fans).



Then I ordered a milk, to cover my dairy exchange...



 Freak-out #3- I find out it is whole milk. WHOLE MILK!



I did enjoy the conversation I had at the table with the girls. That, and the fact that I was allowed two cups of coffee, made things a little easier. FYI PEOPLE- COFFEE CAN MAKE ANYTHING BETTER.     After lunch, some of the girls walked to a pumkin patch down the street, but I went with some girls to Rite Aid to buy some random things-nail polish remover, slippers, etc. I decided I wanted to challenge myself once again, so for my afternoon snack I had Thrifty's ice cream. I remember when I was little I loved going and getting mint chip ice cream. I asked the dietician how much i would need to get to 'cover' my snack, and she said 1and a half scoops and a cone (Insert freak-out #4). BUT I DID IT! I couldn 't remember the last time I had eaten ice cream, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?! Even though it was a challenge, to say the least, it tasted so good!!! Once I got back to BHC and realized all that I had accomplished, I my eating disorder startede to freak out a bit, but I talked myself through it. What a day!



 Last but not least, I got a pass yesterday to go to Chayse's dedication and Chris' Send-off Party. For those who don't know, Chayse is my 2 month-old godson. His parents are my friend, Lauren, and her husband,
 Chris Conklin. This little guy is a stud, man. So earlier in the week, I asked for a pass so I could leave for a couple hours to be there, and my pass was denied. I was DEVASTATED. My therapist encouraged me to re-submit my pass request and make a few changes to it. Thankfully I was able to go, even though the director made the hours 2pm- 4:30 (too short!). It was nice to leave the hospital for a little while, and I was overjoyed to be at my godson's dedication. What a special event!



So, that's an overview of my week. It was pretty intense and had its highs and lows, but I'm still here. haha
But seriously, thank you for the prayers and encouragement. God is faithful.

Love, Sarah