Today, March 11, is my 2 month "Mercy-versary". I can't believe I'm at the 2 month mark. Time seems to have flown by AND dragged on at the same time.
I was able to go on my first pass last weekend. My parents and sister came up for the weekend and it was SO GOOD to just spend time with them. I got to get out for a little while, chew gum, drink coffee, and diet- mountain dew and watch a few episodes of Glee on the hotel tv. I was super proud of myself and here's why- we had to eat out all weekend, which is a huge challenge for me. It's hard to eat out for one meal, but I did it Friday through Sunday! And I'm proud to say I've graduated from lettuce and diet coke to salad (with dressing and chicken) and diet coke. It may not sound like a big deal, but it was. Maybe next time I'll even venture awaway from salads. (reminder...you even had pancakes at Ihop......mom).
This week has had it's highs and lows but there's not much to report. I still feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above water. You would think with all the other times I've been in treatment I'd "get the hang of it," but no, that doesn't happen. Some people have asked me if it's like being at camp. I don't know what kind of camps you've been to, but my memories of camp don't include doctors, nurses, feeding tubes, therapy, holds, and Code 3's. Here, meltdowns are normal- daily even, as are tantrums and fainting.
Being in a house of 30-something women dealing with real hurts is tough, overwhelming, draining. You feel for for the girl who is in the corner crying because it may have been you the day before. It's hard enough to be hurting- but to see several dozen other girls hurting? It makes my heart hurt. One quote I found this week that helps me: "At least this pain is that of recovery-the other (pain) was a dead-end." So I will keep fighting, because I trust that the battle has already been won, thanks to what Jesus did for me. ANd I will reflect on this incredible quote from The Ragamuffin Gospel ( a must-read book on God's grace.): "I could more easily contain Niagra Falls in a tea cup than I can comprehend the wild, uncontainable love of God."
Have a good week......
Sarah Michelle.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
HEADING TOWARDS THE PROMISED LAND
Did you know that it took the Israelites 40 years to get into the Promised Land, but the journey itself from Egypt to this new place was only an 11 day trip? So what took 4 DECADES could have been done in a week and a half! Instead, they wandered around the same old mountain lost and confused.
How often do we do the same? Some big mountain stands in our way to freedom, but we just stare at it and stay stuck in the wilderness. We get tired, complain, and ask God what the heck He's thinking putting this mountain in our way.
I'll admit, I've done it. I still do it. I've wandered around my own little "mountain range" for 7 years. There have been times I have seen glimpses of the Promised Land, and there have also been times I've gotten pretty mad at God for "leaving me" in the wilderness. Sometimes I get so stubborn that I resort to what I know....but that only keeps me stuck in the wilderness and out of freedom.
Need an example? I'm an avid rule-follower. You don't need to know me that well to know tha I'm basically pro-rules. I think the most trouble I've ever gotten in (and quite honestly, the only trouble I can REMEMBER getting in) involved 3 rolls of toilet paper. WORD TO THE WISE: if you're in the hospital and you're bored and think it would be funny if you and your friends toilet papered the dining room, it's not. Not at all. (although looking back on it might be!) I digress...where was I? Rule-follower. Ok. I'm a rule-follower EXCEPT when it comes to doing things that are self-destructive. SO this week, I saw the mountains that were before me. And I started to doubt myself and became discouraged. Because without God I can't do this. So instead of facing a tough situation, I ran. I broke some "rules" here at Mercy, and I had to deal with the consequences. What did I realize this week? I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THE WILDERNESS ANYMORE. I have to make a choice each day to move towards freedom.
The Israelites got right to the border of the Promised Land and they didn't want to go in to take the land. They were too scared. They doubted. And so they waited another 40 years before going in. I don't want to sit at he border, debating whether or not I want freedom. I want it.
Deuteronomy 1:6 says, "The Lord our God said to us in Horeb, you have dwelt long enough on this mountain."
The Israeilites needed to move on. They needed to leave the wilderness and take the land that God had promised. I need to do the same. Crossing over is difficult and painful, but like Deuteronomy says, I've dwelt on this for far too long.
Love, Sarah
How often do we do the same? Some big mountain stands in our way to freedom, but we just stare at it and stay stuck in the wilderness. We get tired, complain, and ask God what the heck He's thinking putting this mountain in our way.
I'll admit, I've done it. I still do it. I've wandered around my own little "mountain range" for 7 years. There have been times I have seen glimpses of the Promised Land, and there have also been times I've gotten pretty mad at God for "leaving me" in the wilderness. Sometimes I get so stubborn that I resort to what I know....but that only keeps me stuck in the wilderness and out of freedom.
Need an example? I'm an avid rule-follower. You don't need to know me that well to know tha I'm basically pro-rules. I think the most trouble I've ever gotten in (and quite honestly, the only trouble I can REMEMBER getting in) involved 3 rolls of toilet paper. WORD TO THE WISE: if you're in the hospital and you're bored and think it would be funny if you and your friends toilet papered the dining room, it's not. Not at all. (although looking back on it might be!) I digress...where was I? Rule-follower. Ok. I'm a rule-follower EXCEPT when it comes to doing things that are self-destructive. SO this week, I saw the mountains that were before me. And I started to doubt myself and became discouraged. Because without God I can't do this. So instead of facing a tough situation, I ran. I broke some "rules" here at Mercy, and I had to deal with the consequences. What did I realize this week? I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THE WILDERNESS ANYMORE. I have to make a choice each day to move towards freedom.
The Israelites got right to the border of the Promised Land and they didn't want to go in to take the land. They were too scared. They doubted. And so they waited another 40 years before going in. I don't want to sit at he border, debating whether or not I want freedom. I want it.
Deuteronomy 1:6 says, "The Lord our God said to us in Horeb, you have dwelt long enough on this mountain."
The Israeilites needed to move on. They needed to leave the wilderness and take the land that God had promised. I need to do the same. Crossing over is difficult and painful, but like Deuteronomy says, I've dwelt on this for far too long.
Love, Sarah
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