IN WAITING

Today is a particular hard day for me, mainly because I was supposed to be starting the first day of my last semester as an undergrad at Hope. But I haven't attended for almost a year now and I am uncertain of when I'll be back. Add severe homesickness and a longing to do the things I love, and that makes for a complete breakdown. Plus we just had ice cream. Of course, today of all days.
This time of waiting is difficult. I am waiting on the Lord to heal me. He is pruning me and cutting off the fruitless branches, and it is very painful. He is bringing up deep hurts from my past that He wants me to work through. Personally, I'd rather run from them. But I've done that my entire life. I think it's safe to say that it's time for a change.
And I found the perfect verses for me at this time.

Psalm 40:1-3....."I WAITED patiently and expectantly for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, steadying my steps and establishing my goings...."
I love you all....Sarah Michelle

PRAYER AND SURRENDER

Hello faithful followers! I hope everyone is doing well. I have been so overwhelmed this week. I'll be honest I've cried a lot and wanted to come back home many times. A few days ago I had a meeting with my dietician and my fitness coordinator. I was told I need to gain more weight because I am still not in a healthy weight range. I guess that has to do with my eating habits before I came in (duh) and the fact that I kinda, sorta bargained with my dietician at BHC in order to stay in a semi-safe state. Anyways, I started bawling and arguing that my goal weight range could not possibly match up with what these women were telling me. I thought I was done gaining weight and here I am finding out I still have a bit to go. So many fears and concerns were rushing through my mind. As I continued to give my pathetic reasons that they were, well, wrong, she gave me a contract saying tht I would commit to gaining said weight. They told me I didn't have to sign it right away, so I left their office angry and wondering where my suitcases were. There was no way I would gain that weight. Nope, I decided I needed to go home. So let me just tell you that God know just how to stop you in your tracks. While I was thinking about how I would tell my parents, I put in a cd my counselor gave as an assignment about addiction. Joyce Meyer said something like, "Many people feel ready to let God heal them until they realize they have to surrender it ALL to Him." Huh....ok, God, I get it. There are still things I need to let go of. Fine. But I'm still so unsure of this program. I know you can heal me. I'm not concerned about that. I'm concerned about my stubborness getting in the way.
So the next day, I'm still thinking that I need to go home. The weight
issue aside, this program is INTENSE and I'm homesick. There's a song on in the backround and I hear
"Bring me joy, bring me peace.
Bring the chance to be free.
Bring me anything that gives you glory.
And I know there will be days
When this life bring me pain,
But if that's what it takes to praise you,
Jesus, bring the rain."

My thought: "Ohhhhhhh crapppppp. THis IS where You want me right now,God, isn't it?"
So I prayed, asking that God will help me to surrender EVERYTHING at the cross. It's something I have to do everyday. But I trust that He is faithful and will finish His work in me. (Phil 1:6)

Love, Sarah

Mercy Address

"I fell for this so many times
It's ridiculous
And still I stick with this
I'm sick of this but in my sickness and addiction
You're as addictive as they get
Evil as they come vindictive as they make em
My friends keep asking why I can't just walk away from
I'm addicted
To the pain, the stress, the drama
I'm drownin' so I guess imma mess
Cursed and blessed
But this time imma
Ain't changing my mind
I'M CLIMING OUT OF THIS ABYSS." -Eminem


No matter how scared I am of this next step, I am so ready! I'm done with this disorder.

Thank you for all of the support you guys have been giving. It means so much. I won't have access to my blog while I'm at Mercy but will have my mom update it periodically. Some of you have been asking me for my address, since I'll really only get to stay in contact thru 'snail mail', so here it is:
Sarah Hoff
P. O. Box 1628
Lincoln, CA 95648-1628


To all of the incredible people I have had the privillege of meeting and getting to know over the last few yrs, who struggle with eating disorders, keep your heads up! I'm praying for you and love you all!

Love, Sarah