This week has been exciting. It's been tough, but I've had several victories!
1. I ate dessert....That's a BIG DEAL!
2. I got off "couch" (after meal monitoring). Now I have so much freedom! Finally! Everyone else who came after me and was put on couch was getting off after a week or two. I think it's safe to say that after being on couch for 3 months, I've done my time!
3. I had my 90 day evaluation and it went so well ! I found out I'll be back home in time for fall semester! Yay! I've missed school SO MUCH!
4. Today (4/16) I had my first non-diet soda in almost 4 years! I was trying to think of the last time I had "real" soda and I remembered it was when my feeding tube was clogged so they had to pump coke through it. It was forced and I was not a happy camper. But I did this today, on my own decision, to challenge myself! Dude, I'm proud of myself! haha. If you haven't struggled with an eating disorder, it may not sound like a big deal, but holy crap! Trust me! It is! It tasted ok but I still like the taste of diet better. I'm just glad I tried it.
So......I feel like I'm finally getting my life back!! YAY.
One frustration has to do with my ankle. Here at Mercy we get to go to the gym a few times a week, which is great because I finally am learning appropriate exercise. So I've been trying out the treadmill and it's beyond exciting because for years I was not allowed to exercise and I was physically incapable of running. My body just couldn't handle it. So anyways, I've been running lately, but my ankle has been hurting afterwards and sometimes has been snapping. It's disappointing because i'm finally able to do something and now I'm being told to take a break. I'm going to the doctor soon...we'll see what happens.
Right now, the step in counseling I'm on is quite challenging, so please keep me in your prayers. I just want to keep going forward. I'm finally excited and hopeful for my future. God is good.
If you have been writing me, thank you so much. It's so helpful and it totally makes my day. Love you guys.
LOVE, SARAH MICHELLE
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
WHY "POWERFUL WHISPER" DOESN'T HAVE TO BE AN OXYMORON
1 Kings 19:11-12... "The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by. Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks....but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a GENTLE WHISPER."
I haven't written a blog in a few weeks because I have been so depressed. I just got the wind knocked out of me, fell down, and couldn't manage to get back up. At times it was scary. At others, it was a bit pitiful. I could barely function. Soon I was convinced that there was no hope. I've walked out of treatment centers before feeling confident only to fall down again and relapse even harder than before. So in my questioning God (mainly, what's different about this time this place?), I told Him He had to show me in an UNDENIABLY HUGE way that there was hope and that I should stay at Mercy. I was looking for God in the wind, the earthquake, the fire. But He wasn't there. So this past week, I walked in the program director's office and told her I wanted to pack my bags. I was DONE. Apparently she wasn't quite convinced, so the next day I "took a walk" with the nutrition manager. She tried to talk some sense into me, but I wouldn't have it....I'm a bit stubborn. I decided I'd talk to my counselor. She knew me best anyways- she would understand that there was no point in me staying if I didn't want to be here anymore. She had left for the day, so I decided until she came the next day I would journal and read one of my weekly assignments. (sidenote: Ruthless Trust, Brennan Manning's sequel to the Ragamuffin Gospel- another must-read.) And as I journaled, I realized that (this is a "duh" moment) I had idolized anorexia. Everything I did, everything I thought about, could be traced back to anorexia. I'm not saying I LIKED being anorexic- let me make that clear. Anorexia is hell and I certainly did not choose to be anorexic. But it had become my safety, my norm, my familiarity, so I did make choices to follow it's "rules" over God's.
So my counselor came the next day and I told her flat out that I was leaving. I read her part of my journal, thinking she'd come to see that I really intended to leave, and she said, "Ok, it's time to break this idol." So we prayed over it, and it was so powerful, but I still wasn't 100% convinced.
Ironically, after that it was lunchtime. So I went downstairs, ate, and then went to sit on the couch where I'm monitored for an hour after meals. I opened my bible to Job and I found the perfect verse and I started crying:
Job 36:15-16 "But those who suffer, He delivers in their suffering; He speakes to them in their affliction. He is WOOING you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place FREE FROM RESTRICTION, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food."
So simple, yet so powerful. God is wooing me from my pain, free from restriction (I realize I'm taking the restriction part out of context a bit, but still....food restriction or not....POWERFUL.) God is crazy good. I was looking for Him in the "wind, earthquake, and fire" but He came in a gentle yet powerful WHISPER.
Whether you believe in God or not, if you were to see me right now, you would see a difference. I believe that difference is God. Everyone here can't believe how hopeful and at peace I am. Weekend staff came in and took double-takes because I looked ALIVE...so different from the hopeless, lethargic girl they had seen the weekend before.
This week God has also reminded me of the power of prayer. I was praying, my mercy "sisters" were praying, and people at home had been praying. What I think was coolest of all is that my mom had been praying over me every day, several times a day, this week. She used Romans 15:13 and prayed, "May the God of hope fill (Sarah) with all joy and peace as (Sarah) trusts in Him, so that (Sarah) may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" I am so thankful for my prayer warrior mama and for a God who LISTENS.
Now I realize that there will still be tough days and I still have scary things to face. But now instead of digging my heels in the ground, I'm ready to look my demons right in the eyes.
One last thing I wanted to write about....our church, Sunset Christian Center, is awesome. The band is INCREDIBLE. One of the worship leaders comes to the house about once a month. He shared with us a song that they wrote for us Mercy gals and it is so cool. Anyway, they won this contest and got to open for Mercy Me, one of today's biggest Christian bands. The song grabbed the attention of the 10,000 concert attendees and even Nancy Alcorn, the founder of Mercy, and can now be purchased on iTunes. Look for it! I believe it's called "The Flood Song." (although we like to call it the Mercy song.)
May the God of hope fill you all with joy and peace this week.
Love, Sarah Michelle
PS. For those of you who pray, please be praying for all the faithful people who give their money to Mercy. It costs so much to keep this 22,000 square foot house running and to provide for 40 women. And to think there are OTHER Mercy houses and houses continuing to be built! Sheesh! I am so thankful for this incredible opportunity for new life and for our faithful financial partners that make it possible. If you are looking for some ministry to help, please visit mercyministries.com. Pray about it. Who knows the difference you could make....
PSS...Today I BOUNDED up the stairs, two at a time. I got to the top and realized that a year ago, (even a few months ago) before I was hospitalized, I could hardly walk uup a flight of stairs because I was so weak.
just added.....youtube link of the band Kindom Band that sings The Flood. <iframe title="YouTube video player" width="640" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/rWgcymy6R5Y" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
I haven't written a blog in a few weeks because I have been so depressed. I just got the wind knocked out of me, fell down, and couldn't manage to get back up. At times it was scary. At others, it was a bit pitiful. I could barely function. Soon I was convinced that there was no hope. I've walked out of treatment centers before feeling confident only to fall down again and relapse even harder than before. So in my questioning God (mainly, what's different about this time this place?), I told Him He had to show me in an UNDENIABLY HUGE way that there was hope and that I should stay at Mercy. I was looking for God in the wind, the earthquake, the fire. But He wasn't there. So this past week, I walked in the program director's office and told her I wanted to pack my bags. I was DONE. Apparently she wasn't quite convinced, so the next day I "took a walk" with the nutrition manager. She tried to talk some sense into me, but I wouldn't have it....I'm a bit stubborn. I decided I'd talk to my counselor. She knew me best anyways- she would understand that there was no point in me staying if I didn't want to be here anymore. She had left for the day, so I decided until she came the next day I would journal and read one of my weekly assignments. (sidenote: Ruthless Trust, Brennan Manning's sequel to the Ragamuffin Gospel- another must-read.) And as I journaled, I realized that (this is a "duh" moment) I had idolized anorexia. Everything I did, everything I thought about, could be traced back to anorexia. I'm not saying I LIKED being anorexic- let me make that clear. Anorexia is hell and I certainly did not choose to be anorexic. But it had become my safety, my norm, my familiarity, so I did make choices to follow it's "rules" over God's.
So my counselor came the next day and I told her flat out that I was leaving. I read her part of my journal, thinking she'd come to see that I really intended to leave, and she said, "Ok, it's time to break this idol." So we prayed over it, and it was so powerful, but I still wasn't 100% convinced.
Ironically, after that it was lunchtime. So I went downstairs, ate, and then went to sit on the couch where I'm monitored for an hour after meals. I opened my bible to Job and I found the perfect verse and I started crying:
Job 36:15-16 "But those who suffer, He delivers in their suffering; He speakes to them in their affliction. He is WOOING you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place FREE FROM RESTRICTION, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food."
So simple, yet so powerful. God is wooing me from my pain, free from restriction (I realize I'm taking the restriction part out of context a bit, but still....food restriction or not....POWERFUL.) God is crazy good. I was looking for Him in the "wind, earthquake, and fire" but He came in a gentle yet powerful WHISPER.
Whether you believe in God or not, if you were to see me right now, you would see a difference. I believe that difference is God. Everyone here can't believe how hopeful and at peace I am. Weekend staff came in and took double-takes because I looked ALIVE...so different from the hopeless, lethargic girl they had seen the weekend before.
This week God has also reminded me of the power of prayer. I was praying, my mercy "sisters" were praying, and people at home had been praying. What I think was coolest of all is that my mom had been praying over me every day, several times a day, this week. She used Romans 15:13 and prayed, "May the God of hope fill (Sarah) with all joy and peace as (Sarah) trusts in Him, so that (Sarah) may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" I am so thankful for my prayer warrior mama and for a God who LISTENS.
Now I realize that there will still be tough days and I still have scary things to face. But now instead of digging my heels in the ground, I'm ready to look my demons right in the eyes.
One last thing I wanted to write about....our church, Sunset Christian Center, is awesome. The band is INCREDIBLE. One of the worship leaders comes to the house about once a month. He shared with us a song that they wrote for us Mercy gals and it is so cool. Anyway, they won this contest and got to open for Mercy Me, one of today's biggest Christian bands. The song grabbed the attention of the 10,000 concert attendees and even Nancy Alcorn, the founder of Mercy, and can now be purchased on iTunes. Look for it! I believe it's called "The Flood Song." (although we like to call it the Mercy song.)
May the God of hope fill you all with joy and peace this week.
Love, Sarah Michelle
PS. For those of you who pray, please be praying for all the faithful people who give their money to Mercy. It costs so much to keep this 22,000 square foot house running and to provide for 40 women. And to think there are OTHER Mercy houses and houses continuing to be built! Sheesh! I am so thankful for this incredible opportunity for new life and for our faithful financial partners that make it possible. If you are looking for some ministry to help, please visit mercyministries.com. Pray about it. Who knows the difference you could make....
PSS...Today I BOUNDED up the stairs, two at a time. I got to the top and realized that a year ago, (even a few months ago) before I was hospitalized, I could hardly walk uup a flight of stairs because I was so weak.
just added.....youtube link of the band Kindom Band that sings The Flood. <iframe title="YouTube video player" width="640" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/rWgcymy6R5Y" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)