IN WAITING

Today is a particular hard day for me, mainly because I was supposed to be starting the first day of my last semester as an undergrad at Hope. But I haven't attended for almost a year now and I am uncertain of when I'll be back. Add severe homesickness and a longing to do the things I love, and that makes for a complete breakdown. Plus we just had ice cream. Of course, today of all days.
This time of waiting is difficult. I am waiting on the Lord to heal me. He is pruning me and cutting off the fruitless branches, and it is very painful. He is bringing up deep hurts from my past that He wants me to work through. Personally, I'd rather run from them. But I've done that my entire life. I think it's safe to say that it's time for a change.
And I found the perfect verses for me at this time.

Psalm 40:1-3....."I WAITED patiently and expectantly for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, steadying my steps and establishing my goings...."
I love you all....Sarah Michelle

PRAYER AND SURRENDER

Hello faithful followers! I hope everyone is doing well. I have been so overwhelmed this week. I'll be honest I've cried a lot and wanted to come back home many times. A few days ago I had a meeting with my dietician and my fitness coordinator. I was told I need to gain more weight because I am still not in a healthy weight range. I guess that has to do with my eating habits before I came in (duh) and the fact that I kinda, sorta bargained with my dietician at BHC in order to stay in a semi-safe state. Anyways, I started bawling and arguing that my goal weight range could not possibly match up with what these women were telling me. I thought I was done gaining weight and here I am finding out I still have a bit to go. So many fears and concerns were rushing through my mind. As I continued to give my pathetic reasons that they were, well, wrong, she gave me a contract saying tht I would commit to gaining said weight. They told me I didn't have to sign it right away, so I left their office angry and wondering where my suitcases were. There was no way I would gain that weight. Nope, I decided I needed to go home. So let me just tell you that God know just how to stop you in your tracks. While I was thinking about how I would tell my parents, I put in a cd my counselor gave as an assignment about addiction. Joyce Meyer said something like, "Many people feel ready to let God heal them until they realize they have to surrender it ALL to Him." Huh....ok, God, I get it. There are still things I need to let go of. Fine. But I'm still so unsure of this program. I know you can heal me. I'm not concerned about that. I'm concerned about my stubborness getting in the way.
So the next day, I'm still thinking that I need to go home. The weight
issue aside, this program is INTENSE and I'm homesick. There's a song on in the backround and I hear
"Bring me joy, bring me peace.
Bring the chance to be free.
Bring me anything that gives you glory.
And I know there will be days
When this life bring me pain,
But if that's what it takes to praise you,
Jesus, bring the rain."

My thought: "Ohhhhhhh crapppppp. THis IS where You want me right now,God, isn't it?"
So I prayed, asking that God will help me to surrender EVERYTHING at the cross. It's something I have to do everyday. But I trust that He is faithful and will finish His work in me. (Phil 1:6)

Love, Sarah

Mercy Address

"I fell for this so many times
It's ridiculous
And still I stick with this
I'm sick of this but in my sickness and addiction
You're as addictive as they get
Evil as they come vindictive as they make em
My friends keep asking why I can't just walk away from
I'm addicted
To the pain, the stress, the drama
I'm drownin' so I guess imma mess
Cursed and blessed
But this time imma
Ain't changing my mind
I'M CLIMING OUT OF THIS ABYSS." -Eminem


No matter how scared I am of this next step, I am so ready! I'm done with this disorder.

Thank you for all of the support you guys have been giving. It means so much. I won't have access to my blog while I'm at Mercy but will have my mom update it periodically. Some of you have been asking me for my address, since I'll really only get to stay in contact thru 'snail mail', so here it is:
Sarah Hoff
P. O. Box 1628
Lincoln, CA 95648-1628


To all of the incredible people I have had the privillege of meeting and getting to know over the last few yrs, who struggle with eating disorders, keep your heads up! I'm praying for you and love you all!

Love, Sarah

TO BLOG OR NOT TO BLOG?

Let me start off by saying that I have been debating whether or not to continue blogging. While some people have been giving great feedback and have been open-minded to my honesty and vulnerability, the negative comments keep coming. I don't know how many times I have heard:

"You're doing this for pity."
-If this is to do with my blog, I have stated several times on here that the purpose of my blog is for awareness and to update friends. If the pity thing is related to my eating disorder in general, it couldn't be farther from the truth. My disorder is not to get pity from ANYONE.

"You're being selfish." "You're hurting the people who love you." "JUST EAT."
-Do you think that if anorexia was something that easy to stop, I would have let it get this far? NO. It kills me to see what it is doing to the people I love. And 'just eating' does not make everything go away. Besides, eating disorders are not even really about the food. It's about the feelings that the person has underneath all of that, and to cope, he or she takes it out on the food.

"You have nothing to complain about." "There are starving people in third world countries." "Some people have it worse than you do."
-First of all, I realize that I have been blessed with a loving family, a home, etc. And I realize that some people are dealing with much more than I am. Please don't give me a guilt trip or tell me I should suck it up because it could be worse. That's just hurtful. And second, you don't know what I have experienced, seen, or felt. There are reasons that I have turned to such a "coping skill" (even though I recognize it is not a healthy one). You may not know the reasons, in fact, I bet you DON'T know the reasons, so please don't assume.

Ok, so that was my little venting session. If you are still reading, thanks for bearing with me.

I was reading the blog of a close friend of mine who also struggles with an eating disorder, and she wrote something that I thought was so insightful and so true that I wanted to share it with you:

"...I was recently watching a documentary about addiction and I heard a statement that grabbed my attention. In recovery an addict must turn from their old life to begin a new life, one without drugs. Doesn't sound too difficult when you read or talk about it, but in reality, it is one the hardest things someone may ever face.

In my case, my drug of choice isn't heroin, meth, or alcohol,its food, or lack there of. Food is UNAVOIDABLE so part of me could even argue, that on some levels I may have it even harder than the addict because I, unlike the addict, cannot give up the drug. In any case, I must eat or I will die, and just like the addict, this is easier said than done. On a daily basis something as simple as choosing what to eat for breakfast...lunch...and...dinner can be paralyzingly daunting. Each bite a chore. Every meal...exhausting. It's hard for me to think of my life any other way...constantly being directed by a number on a scale. Who am without all this baggage? I, like the addict, have to redefine my life say good bye to my old self and embrace a new me. It's scary, and to tell you the truth, at times I hate it. There are days that I want to give up, pick up my old bags and start back down that old familiar trail....

I wanted to share that because I feel like it gives a very accurate description of how difficult each day can be and how terrifying it is to choose what to eat in order to nourish your body.
-----

I recently came back from Mexico to spend time at Miracle Ranch, a children's home that I volunteer at. I used to go every chance I got, but this year, since I've been in treatment, I've hardly been down there. My trip was absolutely incredible. Just being there and spending time with the kids was a blessing. We went to the movies, played soccer, and did Christmas-themed crafts and baking. Leaving was so hard- the hospital only let me go for five days, so I felt like I didn't have enough time. I was mad at my eating disorder for taking away something that I'm so passionate about. It makes me want to fight harder.

That being said, I am about to start a six month residential program called Mercy Ministries up in Northern Ca. I know that I need this structure and continual support, but I am terrified. I will have no cell phone or internet, so basically the only form of communication I can have is through writing letters. I will, however, have my mom update my blog so that my loyal 12 followers (hahaha) can know how things are going. I would love to hear from you while I'm gone because I'm sure I'll get homesick. Pictures always make me smile,too! (hint hint). I'll include the address in my next blog b/c I'm too tired right now to dig through my pile of papers for the address. Some may say that's lazy, but hey, I call it being tired from a full day at the hospital and then a mini-shopping spree! :)

Ok, back to the present. How I am doing right now. It is still a constant, daily struggle to eat. It's something that I have to face over and over again each day, and most of the time my food is accompanied with shame and guilt. Scratch that, ALL OF THE TIME. My view of myself is not so hot, which plays into whether or not I "deserve" to eat. I also still really struggle with this "new" body I have, since I've had to gain a considerable amount of weight. I talked about it with my dietician today and let me tell you, she does not take any crap. She is hard-core, but it's what I need. So she pretty much kicked my butt into gear and is having me be more accountable to myself about doing what I know I need to do to stay healthy.

So those are my thoughts right now, in a nutshell. My hope and prayer for Mercy Ministries is that I am able to create a better relationship with God, myself, and with food. Because I KNOW, this is not the life I want to live. PERIOD.

Love, Sarah :)

You Give and Take Away, Yet My Heart Will Choose to Say, "Lord, Blessed Be Your Name."

My sister came home last night and made herself a late dinner. She sat down and asked if I had eaten my snack yet.

"Later" was my response. That's always what I say. "I will eat later..."

She finished her food, feeling satisfied and relaxed and said, "Someday, I hope you can like food as much as I do."

She doesn't know that that has been my hope for the last seven years. I am tired of feeling like I'm not normal. I am tired of being afraid of food. I'm tired of missing out on life. In the words of a friend from treatment, "I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired."

The end of 2010 is approaching, which has led me to reflect on this past year. I will have been in treatment for a total of 37 weeks this year. The rest I have spent in and out of dr appointments. I have been inpatient four times in two separate facilities in this year alone. I missed vacations to Costa Rica and Palm Springs. I've had to take a leave from work and school, which has been so hard considering I love both so very much (no sarcasm!). I have lost friends who can't seem to understand why I can't just EAT and be happy. Other friendships have been strained...I feel like I have fallen out of touch with people I care so much about.

And I almost lost my life. It just really hit me last night. I always brushed off the symptoms and signs that my body was deteriorating because I have known other girls who have seemed "sicker" than I. It didn't matter that my heart was acting up or that I didn't even have the energy to simply roll over in bed. But looking back now, I can see that death was not just a word, but a reality.

Being in treatment this year has honestly saved my life. Yes, I lost a lot and had to set many things aside, but I have gained so much more than I could have thought (no pun intended, although I have gained a significant amount of weight in order to bring me back to a "healthy" weight range.). I am slowly getting my health back- I have the energy to do the simplest things- like walk up stairs or stand for any period of time without feeling faint. I can think clearly and can remember things. And I am creating a better relationship with my sister, which makes me so incredibly happy (My eating disorder really hurt her, but we're working through it together.).

What a challenging year it has been! I have experienced so much pain- physically through refeeding (one of my friends says she'd rather be in labor again than go through refeeding!) and emotionally while looking at the root causes of my disorder. Yes, I still struggle very much with giving my body proper nutrition, but I have come so far in this last year. I am not the same person I was in March, when I first entered the hospital. I am gaining strength, motivation, and confidence. The road ahead is going to be difficult, BUT I CAN DO ALL THINGS IN CHRIST who strengthens me.
Until next time, Sarah

HONESTY

Honesty. What a scary concept. I consider myself to be an honest person, but in my disorder I admit that I was very dishonest- to others and to myself. I did ANYTHING and everything possible to avoid eating, and my dishonesty went to the extent of lying to and manipulating the people I cared the most for in order to keep myself from the very thing I feared…gaining those dreaded pounds. I was not an easy person to live with…To my family and roommates- I apologize. I lied to myself as well. I convinced myself every day that I was okay. That things weren’t that bad. Yes, I had heart palpitations, anemia, dizzy spells, a weak immune system, deteriorating muscles, decaying teeth, a messed up digestive system, difficulty concentrating, hair loss, and osteopenia- deterioration of bone mass that precedes osteoporosis and doesn’t happen until an older age- but I was convinced that I was doing great! I recently found out that at my lowest weight back in March, I weighed only 5 pounds more than my cousin who is in the sixth grade. So, ya, I had the body of a 12 year old boy and the bones of a 50-60 year old….just fine, right? But that is what traps you in an eating disorder- complete denial that things are falling apart because that would mean admitting you need help and that you can’t do it on your own. For the last 7 years, my anorexia has been a safety blanket, something I use to cope through stress, and frankly, ditching the disease, as painful as it is, is quite scary.

Is that too honest for you? Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But the purpose of this blog is to not only keep friends updated (so I don’t end up repeating myself to people over and over), but to shed light on this misunderstood disease. IT IS NOT A CHOICE. IT IS NOT A LIFESTYLE. It is an illness.

Back to honesty. Now that I have been in treatment for the past few months, and am finding myself back on the path of recovery, I can say that being honest is still difficult for me. It’s difficult to admit that I’m struggling and equally difficult to reach out for support. So here it is: Sometimes I feel like giving up. Each day, it is such a CHORE to eat, and I find myself worrying if it will ever get easier…and then STAY that way. This last week, with me being in the partial program now, has been a challenge. This is why I hate when people say that I am so strong, because most of the time, I don’t feel strong. In fact, I feel the exact opposite. But I have to keep fighting, no matter how draining, because the fact of the matter is, I have no other choice. When it comes down to it, I CHOOSE LIFE.

DO NOT FEAR

Pizza should be a four-letter word. It is regarded as one here on our unit, or so it seems, and is sometimes avoided like the plague..

I've spent the last week deciding whether or not i should write this particular blog. Debated on how personal it should be. And I've decided that while I'm not going to divulge every little detail, I made this blog with the intention of being real. I have learned from experience that anorexia nervosa is so incredibly misunderstood in today's society, and I want to do what I can to shed a little light on the disease.

Let me start by saying that I've been a professional restricter for the better part of my life. I don't necessarily mean restricting just food, although that obviously came later on. Since I can remember, I have restricted how close people can get to me. Restricted my emotions so that I only show the 'good' ones. Restricted my sense of adventure. Basically, I have confined myself to a very small, neat box so that I don't take up too much space. Literally. It has been a long-standing belief of mine that I do NOT deserve to take up space. That I am not worthy of it. Why, you might ask? I am still trying to figure that out, but I'm slowly piecing things together.
Over time, I made my box even smaller by restricting food. I greatly compromised my body by starving myself, like I starved myself of my emotions. LET ME BE HONEST:I DO NOT believe I am worthy of food. After treatment centers, a feeding tube, IVs, ER visits, EKGs, holds, and Ensures leading to a mandatory gain of 35 lbs later, I am just starting to believe the obvious- I just might be deserving of nutrition....huh..what a concept...

So let me get back to the pizza issue..A couple Fridays ago, the hospital celebrated Halloween. Our unit dressed up as Grease characters and we watched the movie. To make the situation more like 'normal' life, the dieticians brought in pizza for us to eat...Pizza.To some-a favorite food eaten at college events, parties, sleepovers, get-togethers, etc. To me-one of the scariest foods I can imagine. I wish I could explain it in a way that someone w/o an E.D. could understand...So what did I do? I sobbed. and sobbed. I ended up having to have a supplement instead (Ensure of course!) and felt completely defeated because I let my E.D. take over and tell me I did not deserve to have that piece of pizza. A week to the day later, my dietician took me and a couple other girls who also struggled with the pizza and sat us down for what else? Pizza. I cried again, but this time I ate it. And afterward, my head was saying how I messed up. Either way, E.D. doesn't let me win. I Ensure, and feel guilty for not trying. I eat the food, and feel guilty for trying. Ugh.

I've been focusing a lot lately on the concept of fear. Obviously I am not lacking in that area. Although Christ tells us not to fear, that He will help us, I have integrated it into every aspect of my life-to the point where I have full-blown panic attacks. I just finished Imagine Your Life Without Fear, by Max Lucado, and I must say, his exegisis on Matthew 8 is pretty cool, and it resonates so much with me that I want to share it. Mt 8:23-24 says that Jesus and his disciples got into a boat, and soon a big strom arose and was thrashing the boat. The Greek word used for storm is 'seismos', meaning a 'trembling eruption of sea and sky. We can find this word in the English language relating to earthquakes. So obviously this was a big storm. There are only two other times that Matthew uses the word 'seismos'- one referring to Christ's death and the other to Christ's resurrection. As Lucado puts it, "Apparently, the stilled storm shares equal billing in the trilogy of Jesus' great shake-ups: defeating sin on the cross, death at the tomb, and silencing fear on the sea." Although we as Christians have seen God's works, Lucado says that fear causes us to have ocassional 'spiritual amnesia' and we forget that our God is bigger than our storm. Christ gives 125 commands in the Gospels, and the 'fear not/take heart' commands appear more than any other. The quantity of these commands should show us just how much our God cares about our fears, and, equally, how much He wants to calm them.

"If we medicate fear with angry outbursts, drinking binges, sullen withdrawals, self-starvation, or viselike control, we exclude God from the solution and exacerbate the problem. We subject ourselves to a position of fear, allowing anxiety to dominate and define our lives. Joy-sapping worries. Day-numbing dread. Repeated bouts of insecurity that petrify and paralyze us."

One area I'm becoming increasinly worried about is discharge from inpatient to partial hospitalization. I'll be in the same program, but instead of being here 24/7, I'll only be here 8hrs a day,6 days a week.Yes, I will be here most of the time still, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried about my free time that I'll have. Please keep me in your prayers for that specifically.

Another frustration: Mercy Ministries. Mercy is a six month residential program with locations across the world. It is a Christian program that helps young women find healing from various addictions and disorders. I am on the waiting list for the Lincoln, Ca location. I got a call the other day and it sounds like I still have a while to wait. Since I can count on not being there until next yr, I feel like my life is continuing to be put on hold. I know I need this program, but I just wish the process was a little faster. pLUS, the longer I wait, the longer it will take for me to have the OPPORTUNITY to spend time with family and friends. Right now, I'm desperately holding to the promise that God's timing is best.

I have decided to end this entry with a simple, yet powerful, Bible verse that, coincidentally, just happens to be my next tattoo.

"Do not fear, I will help you."....somewhere in Isaiah. sorry I can't find the exact verse right now...

What fear are you holding on to in your life that God is wanting to take from you?