HONESTY

Honesty. What a scary concept. I consider myself to be an honest person, but in my disorder I admit that I was very dishonest- to others and to myself. I did ANYTHING and everything possible to avoid eating, and my dishonesty went to the extent of lying to and manipulating the people I cared the most for in order to keep myself from the very thing I feared…gaining those dreaded pounds. I was not an easy person to live with…To my family and roommates- I apologize. I lied to myself as well. I convinced myself every day that I was okay. That things weren’t that bad. Yes, I had heart palpitations, anemia, dizzy spells, a weak immune system, deteriorating muscles, decaying teeth, a messed up digestive system, difficulty concentrating, hair loss, and osteopenia- deterioration of bone mass that precedes osteoporosis and doesn’t happen until an older age- but I was convinced that I was doing great! I recently found out that at my lowest weight back in March, I weighed only 5 pounds more than my cousin who is in the sixth grade. So, ya, I had the body of a 12 year old boy and the bones of a 50-60 year old….just fine, right? But that is what traps you in an eating disorder- complete denial that things are falling apart because that would mean admitting you need help and that you can’t do it on your own. For the last 7 years, my anorexia has been a safety blanket, something I use to cope through stress, and frankly, ditching the disease, as painful as it is, is quite scary.

Is that too honest for you? Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But the purpose of this blog is to not only keep friends updated (so I don’t end up repeating myself to people over and over), but to shed light on this misunderstood disease. IT IS NOT A CHOICE. IT IS NOT A LIFESTYLE. It is an illness.

Back to honesty. Now that I have been in treatment for the past few months, and am finding myself back on the path of recovery, I can say that being honest is still difficult for me. It’s difficult to admit that I’m struggling and equally difficult to reach out for support. So here it is: Sometimes I feel like giving up. Each day, it is such a CHORE to eat, and I find myself worrying if it will ever get easier…and then STAY that way. This last week, with me being in the partial program now, has been a challenge. This is why I hate when people say that I am so strong, because most of the time, I don’t feel strong. In fact, I feel the exact opposite. But I have to keep fighting, no matter how draining, because the fact of the matter is, I have no other choice. When it comes down to it, I CHOOSE LIFE.