You Give and Take Away, Yet My Heart Will Choose to Say, "Lord, Blessed Be Your Name."

My sister came home last night and made herself a late dinner. She sat down and asked if I had eaten my snack yet.

"Later" was my response. That's always what I say. "I will eat later..."

She finished her food, feeling satisfied and relaxed and said, "Someday, I hope you can like food as much as I do."

She doesn't know that that has been my hope for the last seven years. I am tired of feeling like I'm not normal. I am tired of being afraid of food. I'm tired of missing out on life. In the words of a friend from treatment, "I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired."

The end of 2010 is approaching, which has led me to reflect on this past year. I will have been in treatment for a total of 37 weeks this year. The rest I have spent in and out of dr appointments. I have been inpatient four times in two separate facilities in this year alone. I missed vacations to Costa Rica and Palm Springs. I've had to take a leave from work and school, which has been so hard considering I love both so very much (no sarcasm!). I have lost friends who can't seem to understand why I can't just EAT and be happy. Other friendships have been strained...I feel like I have fallen out of touch with people I care so much about.

And I almost lost my life. It just really hit me last night. I always brushed off the symptoms and signs that my body was deteriorating because I have known other girls who have seemed "sicker" than I. It didn't matter that my heart was acting up or that I didn't even have the energy to simply roll over in bed. But looking back now, I can see that death was not just a word, but a reality.

Being in treatment this year has honestly saved my life. Yes, I lost a lot and had to set many things aside, but I have gained so much more than I could have thought (no pun intended, although I have gained a significant amount of weight in order to bring me back to a "healthy" weight range.). I am slowly getting my health back- I have the energy to do the simplest things- like walk up stairs or stand for any period of time without feeling faint. I can think clearly and can remember things. And I am creating a better relationship with my sister, which makes me so incredibly happy (My eating disorder really hurt her, but we're working through it together.).

What a challenging year it has been! I have experienced so much pain- physically through refeeding (one of my friends says she'd rather be in labor again than go through refeeding!) and emotionally while looking at the root causes of my disorder. Yes, I still struggle very much with giving my body proper nutrition, but I have come so far in this last year. I am not the same person I was in March, when I first entered the hospital. I am gaining strength, motivation, and confidence. The road ahead is going to be difficult, BUT I CAN DO ALL THINGS IN CHRIST who strengthens me.
Until next time, Sarah