A Lesson in Love......and Grace

Monday was Valentine's Day. By the time you, my faithful followers, read this, it will probably have been two Mondays ago. I'm rabbit-trailing already. All you need to know was that Valentine's Day was this week. Ok...re-focus.
So this week, God has been showing me how much I am loved, and I am blown away. He has used a bunch of people whom I both do and don't know, to remind me. Monday morning, all 30 something of us girls were given hand-made Valentines from a local church. Then at night, we got more hand-made Valentines from a DIFFERENT church group. And THEN another church group came and gave us each a balloon and a goodie bag. They even presonalized the balloons with our names. Then the next day, we each got more goodie bags from the church we go to, Sunset Christian Center. AND THEN (yes, there's MORE!), a lady from Sunset brought us thirty four DOZEN roses. Thirty four DOZEN. We were so blessed this week! To top it off, I got nearly 20 cards on Valentine's Day and more on the days to follow. A very sweet friend of mine sent me beautiful flowers and a purse that she crocheted for me. And then the box that gave me the biggest smile......I ran around the house showing off it's contents to EVERYONE. The box was from my Valentine. My Valentine is the cutest boy in the entire world. He's a stud, let me tell you. He has such a big smile and I love him so much. My godson, Chaysen James Conklin. There were pictures of him holding a bear and then he (and Lauren..hahah) sent the bear to me. Future Valentine's have a high standard to meet. If you haven't seen this little boy, go look at pictures on facebook. Your heart will melt, and if it doesn't, you don't have a heart. True story.
So in the meantime, God has been saying, "Hey Sarah, wake UP! I love you. Not only that, but I actually LIKE you, too." It's such a SIMPLE yet profound concept. The Creator of the universe loves....me.
Which brings me to grace. I realize I am a stinkin' mess of a human being. You are, too. Sorry if I bursted your bubble. But think about it, we don't deserve God's love, but he FREELY gives it to us. Grace. AMAZING GRACE.
So my big issue is accepting that grace. I know I don't deserve it, so I work really hard to "earn" it. Or I punish myself because I know I don't deserve it. (enter eating disorder and self-harm.) Neither option is getting me anywhere. So I've spent the last week really reflecting on this GIFT. God couldn't love me anymore or any less. It's not what I do, it's who I am in Christ.
Those are my thoughts for this week. Last little update for you, since I've said I would update ya'll on the ups and downs on my journey. Notice how I said "ya'll?" I'm living with girls from all over the country. I'm praying I don't come home saying "hecka." Anyways, I'm working through a lot of stuff, and I take it out on the food. So lately, because I've been dealing with a million emotions, meals have become even HARDER. Last night, for example, we had a dinner that could be considered a staple in the American diet, but to me, it's one of the "scariest" foods I could eat. I ate it, but let me tell you, I sobbed. It was one of those pathetic, shoulder-heaving, mascara-down-the-face, I want-my-mamma kind of sobs. It was embarassing. Thankfully, a lot of the girls here understand because they've dealt with the same thing. Anyways, my whole point in telling you all this is because I need some prayer. Please pray along with me. Pray for endurance, because this is a long, draining, every-day battle. But I'm in it to WIN IT.

Love, Sarah.

PRAYER OF HOPE

To all the peolple I've met along my journey....my Remuda lovelies, my ABC girls, my EDIOP ladies, my BHC ladies and gents, Adult 1 and Adult 2 folk, and my KMHC peeps:

YOU ARE ON MY HEART TONIGHT. I PRAY THAT GOD GIVES YOU PEACE, PERSERVERENCE, AND HOPE. ALTHOUGH WE DIDN'T MEET IN THE BEST CIRCUMSTANCES, I'M THANKFUL THAT WE HAD THE CHANCE TO MEET. WHETHER WE JUST KNOW EACH OTHER BY NAME OR WE SHARED OUR HURTS AND HOPES, I'M PRAYING FOR YOU. I CARE ABOUT YOU. AND EACH ONE OF YOU DESERVES TO LIVE IN FREEDOM. MAY YOU FIND THAT FREEDOM AS YOU PRESS IN TO GOD. YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU ARE VALUABLE. YOU DESERVE FREEDOM. TO THOSE WHO BECAME FRIENDS OR SISTERS, I LOVE YOU AND AM THANKFUL FOR YOU. KEEP GOING! TO THE WONDERFUL LADIES I HAVE COME TO KNOW OUTSIDE OF A PROGRAM (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) I AM PRAYING FOR YOU, TOO. I PRAY THAT GOD GIVES YOU ENDURANCE FOR THE DAYS YOU FEEL LIKE GIVING UP. I PRAY FOR PEACE WHEN THINGS GET OVERWHELIMING AND THAT NASTLY LITTLE F WORD POPS INTO YOUR MIND. (F FOR FAT, OF COURSE.....GET YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER. SHEESH!)
AND I PRAY FOR FIESTY-NESS TO COME OUT SWINGING!

LOVE, SARAH

ALL THAT I CAN SAY RIGHT NOW

I'm keeping this blog entry short and simple. This program is tough, and I really want to give up and go home. I have little energy to fight. But I give all that I have because I want freedom more. There's a song that's been re-playing in my head the last few days that I thought I'd share. Look it up and listen.

All That I Can Say....David Crowder

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give, thats my everything

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

And this is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
And this is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.

Love, Sarah

IN WAITING

Today is a particular hard day for me, mainly because I was supposed to be starting the first day of my last semester as an undergrad at Hope. But I haven't attended for almost a year now and I am uncertain of when I'll be back. Add severe homesickness and a longing to do the things I love, and that makes for a complete breakdown. Plus we just had ice cream. Of course, today of all days.
This time of waiting is difficult. I am waiting on the Lord to heal me. He is pruning me and cutting off the fruitless branches, and it is very painful. He is bringing up deep hurts from my past that He wants me to work through. Personally, I'd rather run from them. But I've done that my entire life. I think it's safe to say that it's time for a change.
And I found the perfect verses for me at this time.

Psalm 40:1-3....."I WAITED patiently and expectantly for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, steadying my steps and establishing my goings...."
I love you all....Sarah Michelle

PRAYER AND SURRENDER

Hello faithful followers! I hope everyone is doing well. I have been so overwhelmed this week. I'll be honest I've cried a lot and wanted to come back home many times. A few days ago I had a meeting with my dietician and my fitness coordinator. I was told I need to gain more weight because I am still not in a healthy weight range. I guess that has to do with my eating habits before I came in (duh) and the fact that I kinda, sorta bargained with my dietician at BHC in order to stay in a semi-safe state. Anyways, I started bawling and arguing that my goal weight range could not possibly match up with what these women were telling me. I thought I was done gaining weight and here I am finding out I still have a bit to go. So many fears and concerns were rushing through my mind. As I continued to give my pathetic reasons that they were, well, wrong, she gave me a contract saying tht I would commit to gaining said weight. They told me I didn't have to sign it right away, so I left their office angry and wondering where my suitcases were. There was no way I would gain that weight. Nope, I decided I needed to go home. So let me just tell you that God know just how to stop you in your tracks. While I was thinking about how I would tell my parents, I put in a cd my counselor gave as an assignment about addiction. Joyce Meyer said something like, "Many people feel ready to let God heal them until they realize they have to surrender it ALL to Him." Huh....ok, God, I get it. There are still things I need to let go of. Fine. But I'm still so unsure of this program. I know you can heal me. I'm not concerned about that. I'm concerned about my stubborness getting in the way.
So the next day, I'm still thinking that I need to go home. The weight
issue aside, this program is INTENSE and I'm homesick. There's a song on in the backround and I hear
"Bring me joy, bring me peace.
Bring the chance to be free.
Bring me anything that gives you glory.
And I know there will be days
When this life bring me pain,
But if that's what it takes to praise you,
Jesus, bring the rain."

My thought: "Ohhhhhhh crapppppp. THis IS where You want me right now,God, isn't it?"
So I prayed, asking that God will help me to surrender EVERYTHING at the cross. It's something I have to do everyday. But I trust that He is faithful and will finish His work in me. (Phil 1:6)

Love, Sarah

Mercy Address

"I fell for this so many times
It's ridiculous
And still I stick with this
I'm sick of this but in my sickness and addiction
You're as addictive as they get
Evil as they come vindictive as they make em
My friends keep asking why I can't just walk away from
I'm addicted
To the pain, the stress, the drama
I'm drownin' so I guess imma mess
Cursed and blessed
But this time imma
Ain't changing my mind
I'M CLIMING OUT OF THIS ABYSS." -Eminem


No matter how scared I am of this next step, I am so ready! I'm done with this disorder.

Thank you for all of the support you guys have been giving. It means so much. I won't have access to my blog while I'm at Mercy but will have my mom update it periodically. Some of you have been asking me for my address, since I'll really only get to stay in contact thru 'snail mail', so here it is:
Sarah Hoff
P. O. Box 1628
Lincoln, CA 95648-1628


To all of the incredible people I have had the privillege of meeting and getting to know over the last few yrs, who struggle with eating disorders, keep your heads up! I'm praying for you and love you all!

Love, Sarah

TO BLOG OR NOT TO BLOG?

Let me start off by saying that I have been debating whether or not to continue blogging. While some people have been giving great feedback and have been open-minded to my honesty and vulnerability, the negative comments keep coming. I don't know how many times I have heard:

"You're doing this for pity."
-If this is to do with my blog, I have stated several times on here that the purpose of my blog is for awareness and to update friends. If the pity thing is related to my eating disorder in general, it couldn't be farther from the truth. My disorder is not to get pity from ANYONE.

"You're being selfish." "You're hurting the people who love you." "JUST EAT."
-Do you think that if anorexia was something that easy to stop, I would have let it get this far? NO. It kills me to see what it is doing to the people I love. And 'just eating' does not make everything go away. Besides, eating disorders are not even really about the food. It's about the feelings that the person has underneath all of that, and to cope, he or she takes it out on the food.

"You have nothing to complain about." "There are starving people in third world countries." "Some people have it worse than you do."
-First of all, I realize that I have been blessed with a loving family, a home, etc. And I realize that some people are dealing with much more than I am. Please don't give me a guilt trip or tell me I should suck it up because it could be worse. That's just hurtful. And second, you don't know what I have experienced, seen, or felt. There are reasons that I have turned to such a "coping skill" (even though I recognize it is not a healthy one). You may not know the reasons, in fact, I bet you DON'T know the reasons, so please don't assume.

Ok, so that was my little venting session. If you are still reading, thanks for bearing with me.

I was reading the blog of a close friend of mine who also struggles with an eating disorder, and she wrote something that I thought was so insightful and so true that I wanted to share it with you:

"...I was recently watching a documentary about addiction and I heard a statement that grabbed my attention. In recovery an addict must turn from their old life to begin a new life, one without drugs. Doesn't sound too difficult when you read or talk about it, but in reality, it is one the hardest things someone may ever face.

In my case, my drug of choice isn't heroin, meth, or alcohol,its food, or lack there of. Food is UNAVOIDABLE so part of me could even argue, that on some levels I may have it even harder than the addict because I, unlike the addict, cannot give up the drug. In any case, I must eat or I will die, and just like the addict, this is easier said than done. On a daily basis something as simple as choosing what to eat for breakfast...lunch...and...dinner can be paralyzingly daunting. Each bite a chore. Every meal...exhausting. It's hard for me to think of my life any other way...constantly being directed by a number on a scale. Who am without all this baggage? I, like the addict, have to redefine my life say good bye to my old self and embrace a new me. It's scary, and to tell you the truth, at times I hate it. There are days that I want to give up, pick up my old bags and start back down that old familiar trail....

I wanted to share that because I feel like it gives a very accurate description of how difficult each day can be and how terrifying it is to choose what to eat in order to nourish your body.
-----

I recently came back from Mexico to spend time at Miracle Ranch, a children's home that I volunteer at. I used to go every chance I got, but this year, since I've been in treatment, I've hardly been down there. My trip was absolutely incredible. Just being there and spending time with the kids was a blessing. We went to the movies, played soccer, and did Christmas-themed crafts and baking. Leaving was so hard- the hospital only let me go for five days, so I felt like I didn't have enough time. I was mad at my eating disorder for taking away something that I'm so passionate about. It makes me want to fight harder.

That being said, I am about to start a six month residential program called Mercy Ministries up in Northern Ca. I know that I need this structure and continual support, but I am terrified. I will have no cell phone or internet, so basically the only form of communication I can have is through writing letters. I will, however, have my mom update my blog so that my loyal 12 followers (hahaha) can know how things are going. I would love to hear from you while I'm gone because I'm sure I'll get homesick. Pictures always make me smile,too! (hint hint). I'll include the address in my next blog b/c I'm too tired right now to dig through my pile of papers for the address. Some may say that's lazy, but hey, I call it being tired from a full day at the hospital and then a mini-shopping spree! :)

Ok, back to the present. How I am doing right now. It is still a constant, daily struggle to eat. It's something that I have to face over and over again each day, and most of the time my food is accompanied with shame and guilt. Scratch that, ALL OF THE TIME. My view of myself is not so hot, which plays into whether or not I "deserve" to eat. I also still really struggle with this "new" body I have, since I've had to gain a considerable amount of weight. I talked about it with my dietician today and let me tell you, she does not take any crap. She is hard-core, but it's what I need. So she pretty much kicked my butt into gear and is having me be more accountable to myself about doing what I know I need to do to stay healthy.

So those are my thoughts right now, in a nutshell. My hope and prayer for Mercy Ministries is that I am able to create a better relationship with God, myself, and with food. Because I KNOW, this is not the life I want to live. PERIOD.

Love, Sarah :)