Because of anorexia, I have missed out on so many things- weddings, vacations, parties, concerts, you name it. The thing that has made me most upset, however, is not being a Hope International University grad of 2011. I'm ok with it now and trust that EVENTUALLY I'll hold that diploma. So even though this month is bitter sweet and I won't be a college grad yet, I WILL be a MERCY grad! I found out this week that I will be graduating with 4 of my lovely Mercy sisters on June 9th! June 9th! That's one month short of the 6 month program! Some lovely ladies take longer than 6 months, and I honestly thought I'd be one of them. I never thought I'd be leaving at the 6 month mark, let alone 5 months! And it's all because of the crazy, cool things God has been doing in my life. He has transformed me and restored my hope. So look out So Cal, here I come!!!
Love, Sarah Michelle
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
FIESTY, FIERCE AND LOVING IT!
Life at Mercy...oh man.
To those of you who have been in treatment before, you know that you HAVE to find a way to have some fun sometimes. In a place that is so emotionally draining, you need to laugh every once in a while. I guess that's true for "real life" as well. LOL. So anyways, the other day my friend and I took the trash out to the dumpster and it was SO heavy that we had to push the trash bag on a cart. After we emptied the trash I asked if she'd give me a ride back on the cart, expecting a quick, little trip back to the front door. No. She ran as fast as she could all over the parking lot. I was terrified (the rickety old cart is only inches from the asphalt and if I fell, that would be bad news bears. Major road burn.) but had so much fun and laughed hysterically. Of course (knowing our luck), staff saw the whole thing, but they must have been in a good mood that day because we didn't get in trouble. We both agreed that getting in trouble for that would have been worth it.
We had a big celebration for Cinco de Mayo. The Spanish-speaking girls and I (we are 3 now---ha ha.) planned a special meal and worked super hard. We made mole, pico de gallo, salad, tortillas, and agua de sandia. (the best drink EVER). I may be biased but it was pretty bomb. Then while we all ate we listened to Reggaeton. It was so much fun. I forgot it's possible to have fun at meals. What a nice reminder!
Something I've been really proud of - not engaging in eating disorder behaviors. Here, in residential, you have a lot more freedom than in a hospital. So it's easier to "get away" with doing eating disorder crap. I am in no way proud of what I'm about to admit, but even in hospitals, (having locked bathrooms, being put on 1 to 1's, plate checks, etc,) you can find ways to do things counter-recovery. My point in admitting I did these things in past places is to show you the change in me that is taking place. Here, I have plenty of opportunities to do things I shouldn't, and I DON'T because I don't WANT to. Yes, at the beginning of my stay here I will admit that I took advantage of the freedom given here, but I can PROUDLY say it's been a good, solid chunk of time that I have not resorted to the eating disorder. Yes, I'm still having some anxiety about weight gain, but holy crap, I'm telling you, this is a HEART change. Praise God!
Why is this a heart change? Why am I finally finding hope and healing? Yes, I am working through tough issues and in doing so, I feel more free. Yes, I'm eating right and exercising appropriately. Yes, I'm learning of better ways to express my emotions. But really, when it comes down to it...pure and simple...it's because of Jesus Christ. If you don't know Him, you should, because He will turn your life around in such a crazy awesome way!
Another victory- I ate a cheeseburger. BIG DEAL! Last time I had one here (2 or 3 months ago), I bawled my eyes out and it took me a good 45 minutes, if not more, to eat the thing. This time, I ate it, had normal conversation with my friends, and even laughed. I mentioned this to them and brought up last time and they said, "Oh, yes, Sarah. We remember alright." Ha ha. I guess it's not every day you see people crying over a common American meal, so it would be hard to forget. Anyways, my table started clapping, then all of a sudden the whole house joined in. It was so embarrassing but I was so proud of myself that I started crying (which made me more embarrassed.) What a night. And the next day? I had a cookie and ice cream! Bam! I felt so full afterwards, but I worked through my guilt and got through it.
It was hard to be away from home on Mother's Day, but I got to call my mama and tell her this is the last event that I'll miss. No more missing holidays/birthdays/vacations/weddings/parties because of treatment! I have such an amazing mom. I know I'm so blessed to have a prayer-warrior mom backing me up. I love you, mama.
Later that night we got to go to a Disciple/Kutlass/Newsboys concert, which was AWESOME. We had so much fun! I didn't realize how many Kutlass songs I knew. They were bomb! And then there's Newsboys...oh how I love seeing them in concert. But since when did Peter Fuller and the guy with the dreads leave? I was so sad to find out they aren't in the band anymore, but Michael Tait (from DC Talk) is a great replacement. It was such a great show!
So that's a lot of what's been going on lately. I'm continued to be blown away with all that God is doing in my life. I honestly never thought I could ever live a life free from anorexia. But now I'm working it out. This alone is proof that God exists and is alive and active in our lives. To all the wonderful men, women and children I've had the privilege to get to know who struggle with an eating disorder, THERE IS HOPE. Keep fighting.
Love and miss you all.....
Sarah Michelle
To those of you who have been in treatment before, you know that you HAVE to find a way to have some fun sometimes. In a place that is so emotionally draining, you need to laugh every once in a while. I guess that's true for "real life" as well. LOL. So anyways, the other day my friend and I took the trash out to the dumpster and it was SO heavy that we had to push the trash bag on a cart. After we emptied the trash I asked if she'd give me a ride back on the cart, expecting a quick, little trip back to the front door. No. She ran as fast as she could all over the parking lot. I was terrified (the rickety old cart is only inches from the asphalt and if I fell, that would be bad news bears. Major road burn.) but had so much fun and laughed hysterically. Of course (knowing our luck), staff saw the whole thing, but they must have been in a good mood that day because we didn't get in trouble. We both agreed that getting in trouble for that would have been worth it.
We had a big celebration for Cinco de Mayo. The Spanish-speaking girls and I (we are 3 now---ha ha.) planned a special meal and worked super hard. We made mole, pico de gallo, salad, tortillas, and agua de sandia. (the best drink EVER). I may be biased but it was pretty bomb. Then while we all ate we listened to Reggaeton. It was so much fun. I forgot it's possible to have fun at meals. What a nice reminder!
Something I've been really proud of - not engaging in eating disorder behaviors. Here, in residential, you have a lot more freedom than in a hospital. So it's easier to "get away" with doing eating disorder crap. I am in no way proud of what I'm about to admit, but even in hospitals, (having locked bathrooms, being put on 1 to 1's, plate checks, etc,) you can find ways to do things counter-recovery. My point in admitting I did these things in past places is to show you the change in me that is taking place. Here, I have plenty of opportunities to do things I shouldn't, and I DON'T because I don't WANT to. Yes, at the beginning of my stay here I will admit that I took advantage of the freedom given here, but I can PROUDLY say it's been a good, solid chunk of time that I have not resorted to the eating disorder. Yes, I'm still having some anxiety about weight gain, but holy crap, I'm telling you, this is a HEART change. Praise God!
Why is this a heart change? Why am I finally finding hope and healing? Yes, I am working through tough issues and in doing so, I feel more free. Yes, I'm eating right and exercising appropriately. Yes, I'm learning of better ways to express my emotions. But really, when it comes down to it...pure and simple...it's because of Jesus Christ. If you don't know Him, you should, because He will turn your life around in such a crazy awesome way!
Another victory- I ate a cheeseburger. BIG DEAL! Last time I had one here (2 or 3 months ago), I bawled my eyes out and it took me a good 45 minutes, if not more, to eat the thing. This time, I ate it, had normal conversation with my friends, and even laughed. I mentioned this to them and brought up last time and they said, "Oh, yes, Sarah. We remember alright." Ha ha. I guess it's not every day you see people crying over a common American meal, so it would be hard to forget. Anyways, my table started clapping, then all of a sudden the whole house joined in. It was so embarrassing but I was so proud of myself that I started crying (which made me more embarrassed.) What a night. And the next day? I had a cookie and ice cream! Bam! I felt so full afterwards, but I worked through my guilt and got through it.
It was hard to be away from home on Mother's Day, but I got to call my mama and tell her this is the last event that I'll miss. No more missing holidays/birthdays/vacations/weddings/parties because of treatment! I have such an amazing mom. I know I'm so blessed to have a prayer-warrior mom backing me up. I love you, mama.
Later that night we got to go to a Disciple/Kutlass/Newsboys concert, which was AWESOME. We had so much fun! I didn't realize how many Kutlass songs I knew. They were bomb! And then there's Newsboys...oh how I love seeing them in concert. But since when did Peter Fuller and the guy with the dreads leave? I was so sad to find out they aren't in the band anymore, but Michael Tait (from DC Talk) is a great replacement. It was such a great show!
So that's a lot of what's been going on lately. I'm continued to be blown away with all that God is doing in my life. I honestly never thought I could ever live a life free from anorexia. But now I'm working it out. This alone is proof that God exists and is alive and active in our lives. To all the wonderful men, women and children I've had the privilege to get to know who struggle with an eating disorder, THERE IS HOPE. Keep fighting.
Love and miss you all.....
Sarah Michelle
Thursday, May 5, 2011
The Greatest Love Story
I feel like it's been a while since I last wrote a blog. A lot has been happening lately. God is continuing to heal certain areas of my life that I thought would never be possible.
One thing He has been showing me is that He not only cares about my needs but my wants as well. He is a deeply personal God. I saw that my account here was running low (we take money out each week to buy lunch and necessities, shampoo, coffee, etc..). I didn't want to ask my parents for more money so I just prayed and trusted that God would somehow take care of it. In a week and a half, I got over $100 in the mail! God is good! Then my friend let me listen to her cd (the new Casting Crowns cd) and I fell in love with it, but again, I knew I didn't have the money at the time to buy it. Plus we only go to the Christian book store every few weeks. So I was like, Ok, God, if you wanted me to have it right now, you'd give it to me. If not, I'll just wait." That weekend my grandma and I were chatting and she said, "I have this cd...I don't know if you want it or not..." And it was THE cd! So cool. I'm not saying I'll hope for a million dollars and God will give it to me. He's not going to give me everything I want. I'm just taken aback by God's presence. God's LOVE.
Which brings me to the point of my blog and title for it. The greatest love story. God is captivated by His people. He's madly in love with us. We just finished Easter week. There is no greater love than God sending His sinless Son to die the most brutal, gruesome, shaming death for sinful people like you and me. What a sobering week it was. Going to "Stations fo the Cross" at Bayside Church...walking through each room depicting a play-by-play of the night Jesus was crucified..feeling the crown of thorns, the whips, the cat-of-nine-tails. Hearing the sound of nails being hammered into a cross - because of my sin. Powerful. What hit me the most was a station that talked about the soldiers stripping Jusus of His clothes. The point of this "room" was to tell us that because Jesus hung naked on a cross, He can relate to my own shame. This particular room had little strips of linen that people could take as a reminder. Mine is in my room, in plain sight to see every day. I don't have to carry my shame anymore. It's already been taken care of. Another night we went to a concert. Another night we watched The Passion of The Christ, likely to be the most accurate portrayal of what happened that night and at the same time, not even close to how gruesome it actually was...AND THEN SUNDAY!....because of Christ's death, burial, and resurrection, we are able to be made whole. The greatest love story.
So I didn't really share a lot about how I'm doing. Well, in a way I did because all of this I'm still processing and am in awe of. I can't say it enough, God is doing CRAZY AWESOME things here. He is making me whole and bringing be back to life. I haven't felt this way in so long!
I have a feeling good things are going to happen this month. We have a lot of events on our calendar and I'm becoming more liberated each day. I'll keep ya'll posted.
Love, Sarah
One thing He has been showing me is that He not only cares about my needs but my wants as well. He is a deeply personal God. I saw that my account here was running low (we take money out each week to buy lunch and necessities, shampoo, coffee, etc..). I didn't want to ask my parents for more money so I just prayed and trusted that God would somehow take care of it. In a week and a half, I got over $100 in the mail! God is good! Then my friend let me listen to her cd (the new Casting Crowns cd) and I fell in love with it, but again, I knew I didn't have the money at the time to buy it. Plus we only go to the Christian book store every few weeks. So I was like, Ok, God, if you wanted me to have it right now, you'd give it to me. If not, I'll just wait." That weekend my grandma and I were chatting and she said, "I have this cd...I don't know if you want it or not..." And it was THE cd! So cool. I'm not saying I'll hope for a million dollars and God will give it to me. He's not going to give me everything I want. I'm just taken aback by God's presence. God's LOVE.
Which brings me to the point of my blog and title for it. The greatest love story. God is captivated by His people. He's madly in love with us. We just finished Easter week. There is no greater love than God sending His sinless Son to die the most brutal, gruesome, shaming death for sinful people like you and me. What a sobering week it was. Going to "Stations fo the Cross" at Bayside Church...walking through each room depicting a play-by-play of the night Jesus was crucified..feeling the crown of thorns, the whips, the cat-of-nine-tails. Hearing the sound of nails being hammered into a cross - because of my sin. Powerful. What hit me the most was a station that talked about the soldiers stripping Jusus of His clothes. The point of this "room" was to tell us that because Jesus hung naked on a cross, He can relate to my own shame. This particular room had little strips of linen that people could take as a reminder. Mine is in my room, in plain sight to see every day. I don't have to carry my shame anymore. It's already been taken care of. Another night we went to a concert. Another night we watched The Passion of The Christ, likely to be the most accurate portrayal of what happened that night and at the same time, not even close to how gruesome it actually was...AND THEN SUNDAY!....because of Christ's death, burial, and resurrection, we are able to be made whole. The greatest love story.
So I didn't really share a lot about how I'm doing. Well, in a way I did because all of this I'm still processing and am in awe of. I can't say it enough, God is doing CRAZY AWESOME things here. He is making me whole and bringing be back to life. I haven't felt this way in so long!
I have a feeling good things are going to happen this month. We have a lot of events on our calendar and I'm becoming more liberated each day. I'll keep ya'll posted.
Love, Sarah
Thursday, April 21, 2011
LET LOOSE THE CHAINS
This week has been exciting. It's been tough, but I've had several victories!
1. I ate dessert....That's a BIG DEAL!
2. I got off "couch" (after meal monitoring). Now I have so much freedom! Finally! Everyone else who came after me and was put on couch was getting off after a week or two. I think it's safe to say that after being on couch for 3 months, I've done my time!
3. I had my 90 day evaluation and it went so well ! I found out I'll be back home in time for fall semester! Yay! I've missed school SO MUCH!
4. Today (4/16) I had my first non-diet soda in almost 4 years! I was trying to think of the last time I had "real" soda and I remembered it was when my feeding tube was clogged so they had to pump coke through it. It was forced and I was not a happy camper. But I did this today, on my own decision, to challenge myself! Dude, I'm proud of myself! haha. If you haven't struggled with an eating disorder, it may not sound like a big deal, but holy crap! Trust me! It is! It tasted ok but I still like the taste of diet better. I'm just glad I tried it.
So......I feel like I'm finally getting my life back!! YAY.
One frustration has to do with my ankle. Here at Mercy we get to go to the gym a few times a week, which is great because I finally am learning appropriate exercise. So I've been trying out the treadmill and it's beyond exciting because for years I was not allowed to exercise and I was physically incapable of running. My body just couldn't handle it. So anyways, I've been running lately, but my ankle has been hurting afterwards and sometimes has been snapping. It's disappointing because i'm finally able to do something and now I'm being told to take a break. I'm going to the doctor soon...we'll see what happens.
Right now, the step in counseling I'm on is quite challenging, so please keep me in your prayers. I just want to keep going forward. I'm finally excited and hopeful for my future. God is good.
If you have been writing me, thank you so much. It's so helpful and it totally makes my day. Love you guys.
LOVE, SARAH MICHELLE
1. I ate dessert....That's a BIG DEAL!
2. I got off "couch" (after meal monitoring). Now I have so much freedom! Finally! Everyone else who came after me and was put on couch was getting off after a week or two. I think it's safe to say that after being on couch for 3 months, I've done my time!
3. I had my 90 day evaluation and it went so well ! I found out I'll be back home in time for fall semester! Yay! I've missed school SO MUCH!
4. Today (4/16) I had my first non-diet soda in almost 4 years! I was trying to think of the last time I had "real" soda and I remembered it was when my feeding tube was clogged so they had to pump coke through it. It was forced and I was not a happy camper. But I did this today, on my own decision, to challenge myself! Dude, I'm proud of myself! haha. If you haven't struggled with an eating disorder, it may not sound like a big deal, but holy crap! Trust me! It is! It tasted ok but I still like the taste of diet better. I'm just glad I tried it.
So......I feel like I'm finally getting my life back!! YAY.
One frustration has to do with my ankle. Here at Mercy we get to go to the gym a few times a week, which is great because I finally am learning appropriate exercise. So I've been trying out the treadmill and it's beyond exciting because for years I was not allowed to exercise and I was physically incapable of running. My body just couldn't handle it. So anyways, I've been running lately, but my ankle has been hurting afterwards and sometimes has been snapping. It's disappointing because i'm finally able to do something and now I'm being told to take a break. I'm going to the doctor soon...we'll see what happens.
Right now, the step in counseling I'm on is quite challenging, so please keep me in your prayers. I just want to keep going forward. I'm finally excited and hopeful for my future. God is good.
If you have been writing me, thank you so much. It's so helpful and it totally makes my day. Love you guys.
LOVE, SARAH MICHELLE
Friday, April 8, 2011
WHY "POWERFUL WHISPER" DOESN'T HAVE TO BE AN OXYMORON
1 Kings 19:11-12... "The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by. Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks....but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a GENTLE WHISPER."
I haven't written a blog in a few weeks because I have been so depressed. I just got the wind knocked out of me, fell down, and couldn't manage to get back up. At times it was scary. At others, it was a bit pitiful. I could barely function. Soon I was convinced that there was no hope. I've walked out of treatment centers before feeling confident only to fall down again and relapse even harder than before. So in my questioning God (mainly, what's different about this time this place?), I told Him He had to show me in an UNDENIABLY HUGE way that there was hope and that I should stay at Mercy. I was looking for God in the wind, the earthquake, the fire. But He wasn't there. So this past week, I walked in the program director's office and told her I wanted to pack my bags. I was DONE. Apparently she wasn't quite convinced, so the next day I "took a walk" with the nutrition manager. She tried to talk some sense into me, but I wouldn't have it....I'm a bit stubborn. I decided I'd talk to my counselor. She knew me best anyways- she would understand that there was no point in me staying if I didn't want to be here anymore. She had left for the day, so I decided until she came the next day I would journal and read one of my weekly assignments. (sidenote: Ruthless Trust, Brennan Manning's sequel to the Ragamuffin Gospel- another must-read.) And as I journaled, I realized that (this is a "duh" moment) I had idolized anorexia. Everything I did, everything I thought about, could be traced back to anorexia. I'm not saying I LIKED being anorexic- let me make that clear. Anorexia is hell and I certainly did not choose to be anorexic. But it had become my safety, my norm, my familiarity, so I did make choices to follow it's "rules" over God's.
So my counselor came the next day and I told her flat out that I was leaving. I read her part of my journal, thinking she'd come to see that I really intended to leave, and she said, "Ok, it's time to break this idol." So we prayed over it, and it was so powerful, but I still wasn't 100% convinced.
Ironically, after that it was lunchtime. So I went downstairs, ate, and then went to sit on the couch where I'm monitored for an hour after meals. I opened my bible to Job and I found the perfect verse and I started crying:
Job 36:15-16 "But those who suffer, He delivers in their suffering; He speakes to them in their affliction. He is WOOING you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place FREE FROM RESTRICTION, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food."
So simple, yet so powerful. God is wooing me from my pain, free from restriction (I realize I'm taking the restriction part out of context a bit, but still....food restriction or not....POWERFUL.) God is crazy good. I was looking for Him in the "wind, earthquake, and fire" but He came in a gentle yet powerful WHISPER.
Whether you believe in God or not, if you were to see me right now, you would see a difference. I believe that difference is God. Everyone here can't believe how hopeful and at peace I am. Weekend staff came in and took double-takes because I looked ALIVE...so different from the hopeless, lethargic girl they had seen the weekend before.
This week God has also reminded me of the power of prayer. I was praying, my mercy "sisters" were praying, and people at home had been praying. What I think was coolest of all is that my mom had been praying over me every day, several times a day, this week. She used Romans 15:13 and prayed, "May the God of hope fill (Sarah) with all joy and peace as (Sarah) trusts in Him, so that (Sarah) may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" I am so thankful for my prayer warrior mama and for a God who LISTENS.
Now I realize that there will still be tough days and I still have scary things to face. But now instead of digging my heels in the ground, I'm ready to look my demons right in the eyes.
One last thing I wanted to write about....our church, Sunset Christian Center, is awesome. The band is INCREDIBLE. One of the worship leaders comes to the house about once a month. He shared with us a song that they wrote for us Mercy gals and it is so cool. Anyway, they won this contest and got to open for Mercy Me, one of today's biggest Christian bands. The song grabbed the attention of the 10,000 concert attendees and even Nancy Alcorn, the founder of Mercy, and can now be purchased on iTunes. Look for it! I believe it's called "The Flood Song." (although we like to call it the Mercy song.)
May the God of hope fill you all with joy and peace this week.
Love, Sarah Michelle
PS. For those of you who pray, please be praying for all the faithful people who give their money to Mercy. It costs so much to keep this 22,000 square foot house running and to provide for 40 women. And to think there are OTHER Mercy houses and houses continuing to be built! Sheesh! I am so thankful for this incredible opportunity for new life and for our faithful financial partners that make it possible. If you are looking for some ministry to help, please visit mercyministries.com. Pray about it. Who knows the difference you could make....
PSS...Today I BOUNDED up the stairs, two at a time. I got to the top and realized that a year ago, (even a few months ago) before I was hospitalized, I could hardly walk uup a flight of stairs because I was so weak.
just added.....youtube link of the band Kindom Band that sings The Flood. <iframe title="YouTube video player" width="640" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/rWgcymy6R5Y" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
I haven't written a blog in a few weeks because I have been so depressed. I just got the wind knocked out of me, fell down, and couldn't manage to get back up. At times it was scary. At others, it was a bit pitiful. I could barely function. Soon I was convinced that there was no hope. I've walked out of treatment centers before feeling confident only to fall down again and relapse even harder than before. So in my questioning God (mainly, what's different about this time this place?), I told Him He had to show me in an UNDENIABLY HUGE way that there was hope and that I should stay at Mercy. I was looking for God in the wind, the earthquake, the fire. But He wasn't there. So this past week, I walked in the program director's office and told her I wanted to pack my bags. I was DONE. Apparently she wasn't quite convinced, so the next day I "took a walk" with the nutrition manager. She tried to talk some sense into me, but I wouldn't have it....I'm a bit stubborn. I decided I'd talk to my counselor. She knew me best anyways- she would understand that there was no point in me staying if I didn't want to be here anymore. She had left for the day, so I decided until she came the next day I would journal and read one of my weekly assignments. (sidenote: Ruthless Trust, Brennan Manning's sequel to the Ragamuffin Gospel- another must-read.) And as I journaled, I realized that (this is a "duh" moment) I had idolized anorexia. Everything I did, everything I thought about, could be traced back to anorexia. I'm not saying I LIKED being anorexic- let me make that clear. Anorexia is hell and I certainly did not choose to be anorexic. But it had become my safety, my norm, my familiarity, so I did make choices to follow it's "rules" over God's.
So my counselor came the next day and I told her flat out that I was leaving. I read her part of my journal, thinking she'd come to see that I really intended to leave, and she said, "Ok, it's time to break this idol." So we prayed over it, and it was so powerful, but I still wasn't 100% convinced.
Ironically, after that it was lunchtime. So I went downstairs, ate, and then went to sit on the couch where I'm monitored for an hour after meals. I opened my bible to Job and I found the perfect verse and I started crying:
Job 36:15-16 "But those who suffer, He delivers in their suffering; He speakes to them in their affliction. He is WOOING you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place FREE FROM RESTRICTION, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food."
So simple, yet so powerful. God is wooing me from my pain, free from restriction (I realize I'm taking the restriction part out of context a bit, but still....food restriction or not....POWERFUL.) God is crazy good. I was looking for Him in the "wind, earthquake, and fire" but He came in a gentle yet powerful WHISPER.
Whether you believe in God or not, if you were to see me right now, you would see a difference. I believe that difference is God. Everyone here can't believe how hopeful and at peace I am. Weekend staff came in and took double-takes because I looked ALIVE...so different from the hopeless, lethargic girl they had seen the weekend before.
This week God has also reminded me of the power of prayer. I was praying, my mercy "sisters" were praying, and people at home had been praying. What I think was coolest of all is that my mom had been praying over me every day, several times a day, this week. She used Romans 15:13 and prayed, "May the God of hope fill (Sarah) with all joy and peace as (Sarah) trusts in Him, so that (Sarah) may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" I am so thankful for my prayer warrior mama and for a God who LISTENS.
Now I realize that there will still be tough days and I still have scary things to face. But now instead of digging my heels in the ground, I'm ready to look my demons right in the eyes.
One last thing I wanted to write about....our church, Sunset Christian Center, is awesome. The band is INCREDIBLE. One of the worship leaders comes to the house about once a month. He shared with us a song that they wrote for us Mercy gals and it is so cool. Anyway, they won this contest and got to open for Mercy Me, one of today's biggest Christian bands. The song grabbed the attention of the 10,000 concert attendees and even Nancy Alcorn, the founder of Mercy, and can now be purchased on iTunes. Look for it! I believe it's called "The Flood Song." (although we like to call it the Mercy song.)
May the God of hope fill you all with joy and peace this week.
Love, Sarah Michelle
PS. For those of you who pray, please be praying for all the faithful people who give their money to Mercy. It costs so much to keep this 22,000 square foot house running and to provide for 40 women. And to think there are OTHER Mercy houses and houses continuing to be built! Sheesh! I am so thankful for this incredible opportunity for new life and for our faithful financial partners that make it possible. If you are looking for some ministry to help, please visit mercyministries.com. Pray about it. Who knows the difference you could make....
PSS...Today I BOUNDED up the stairs, two at a time. I got to the top and realized that a year ago, (even a few months ago) before I was hospitalized, I could hardly walk uup a flight of stairs because I was so weak.
just added.....youtube link of the band Kindom Band that sings The Flood. <iframe title="YouTube video player" width="640" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/rWgcymy6R5Y" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
NIAGRA FALLS
Today, March 11, is my 2 month "Mercy-versary". I can't believe I'm at the 2 month mark. Time seems to have flown by AND dragged on at the same time.
I was able to go on my first pass last weekend. My parents and sister came up for the weekend and it was SO GOOD to just spend time with them. I got to get out for a little while, chew gum, drink coffee, and diet- mountain dew and watch a few episodes of Glee on the hotel tv. I was super proud of myself and here's why- we had to eat out all weekend, which is a huge challenge for me. It's hard to eat out for one meal, but I did it Friday through Sunday! And I'm proud to say I've graduated from lettuce and diet coke to salad (with dressing and chicken) and diet coke. It may not sound like a big deal, but it was. Maybe next time I'll even venture awaway from salads. (reminder...you even had pancakes at Ihop......mom).
This week has had it's highs and lows but there's not much to report. I still feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above water. You would think with all the other times I've been in treatment I'd "get the hang of it," but no, that doesn't happen. Some people have asked me if it's like being at camp. I don't know what kind of camps you've been to, but my memories of camp don't include doctors, nurses, feeding tubes, therapy, holds, and Code 3's. Here, meltdowns are normal- daily even, as are tantrums and fainting.
Being in a house of 30-something women dealing with real hurts is tough, overwhelming, draining. You feel for for the girl who is in the corner crying because it may have been you the day before. It's hard enough to be hurting- but to see several dozen other girls hurting? It makes my heart hurt. One quote I found this week that helps me: "At least this pain is that of recovery-the other (pain) was a dead-end." So I will keep fighting, because I trust that the battle has already been won, thanks to what Jesus did for me. ANd I will reflect on this incredible quote from The Ragamuffin Gospel ( a must-read book on God's grace.): "I could more easily contain Niagra Falls in a tea cup than I can comprehend the wild, uncontainable love of God."
Have a good week......
Sarah Michelle.
I was able to go on my first pass last weekend. My parents and sister came up for the weekend and it was SO GOOD to just spend time with them. I got to get out for a little while, chew gum, drink coffee, and diet- mountain dew and watch a few episodes of Glee on the hotel tv. I was super proud of myself and here's why- we had to eat out all weekend, which is a huge challenge for me. It's hard to eat out for one meal, but I did it Friday through Sunday! And I'm proud to say I've graduated from lettuce and diet coke to salad (with dressing and chicken) and diet coke. It may not sound like a big deal, but it was. Maybe next time I'll even venture awaway from salads. (reminder...you even had pancakes at Ihop......mom).
This week has had it's highs and lows but there's not much to report. I still feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above water. You would think with all the other times I've been in treatment I'd "get the hang of it," but no, that doesn't happen. Some people have asked me if it's like being at camp. I don't know what kind of camps you've been to, but my memories of camp don't include doctors, nurses, feeding tubes, therapy, holds, and Code 3's. Here, meltdowns are normal- daily even, as are tantrums and fainting.
Being in a house of 30-something women dealing with real hurts is tough, overwhelming, draining. You feel for for the girl who is in the corner crying because it may have been you the day before. It's hard enough to be hurting- but to see several dozen other girls hurting? It makes my heart hurt. One quote I found this week that helps me: "At least this pain is that of recovery-the other (pain) was a dead-end." So I will keep fighting, because I trust that the battle has already been won, thanks to what Jesus did for me. ANd I will reflect on this incredible quote from The Ragamuffin Gospel ( a must-read book on God's grace.): "I could more easily contain Niagra Falls in a tea cup than I can comprehend the wild, uncontainable love of God."
Have a good week......
Sarah Michelle.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
HEADING TOWARDS THE PROMISED LAND
Did you know that it took the Israelites 40 years to get into the Promised Land, but the journey itself from Egypt to this new place was only an 11 day trip? So what took 4 DECADES could have been done in a week and a half! Instead, they wandered around the same old mountain lost and confused.
How often do we do the same? Some big mountain stands in our way to freedom, but we just stare at it and stay stuck in the wilderness. We get tired, complain, and ask God what the heck He's thinking putting this mountain in our way.
I'll admit, I've done it. I still do it. I've wandered around my own little "mountain range" for 7 years. There have been times I have seen glimpses of the Promised Land, and there have also been times I've gotten pretty mad at God for "leaving me" in the wilderness. Sometimes I get so stubborn that I resort to what I know....but that only keeps me stuck in the wilderness and out of freedom.
Need an example? I'm an avid rule-follower. You don't need to know me that well to know tha I'm basically pro-rules. I think the most trouble I've ever gotten in (and quite honestly, the only trouble I can REMEMBER getting in) involved 3 rolls of toilet paper. WORD TO THE WISE: if you're in the hospital and you're bored and think it would be funny if you and your friends toilet papered the dining room, it's not. Not at all. (although looking back on it might be!) I digress...where was I? Rule-follower. Ok. I'm a rule-follower EXCEPT when it comes to doing things that are self-destructive. SO this week, I saw the mountains that were before me. And I started to doubt myself and became discouraged. Because without God I can't do this. So instead of facing a tough situation, I ran. I broke some "rules" here at Mercy, and I had to deal with the consequences. What did I realize this week? I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THE WILDERNESS ANYMORE. I have to make a choice each day to move towards freedom.
The Israelites got right to the border of the Promised Land and they didn't want to go in to take the land. They were too scared. They doubted. And so they waited another 40 years before going in. I don't want to sit at he border, debating whether or not I want freedom. I want it.
Deuteronomy 1:6 says, "The Lord our God said to us in Horeb, you have dwelt long enough on this mountain."
The Israeilites needed to move on. They needed to leave the wilderness and take the land that God had promised. I need to do the same. Crossing over is difficult and painful, but like Deuteronomy says, I've dwelt on this for far too long.
Love, Sarah
How often do we do the same? Some big mountain stands in our way to freedom, but we just stare at it and stay stuck in the wilderness. We get tired, complain, and ask God what the heck He's thinking putting this mountain in our way.
I'll admit, I've done it. I still do it. I've wandered around my own little "mountain range" for 7 years. There have been times I have seen glimpses of the Promised Land, and there have also been times I've gotten pretty mad at God for "leaving me" in the wilderness. Sometimes I get so stubborn that I resort to what I know....but that only keeps me stuck in the wilderness and out of freedom.
Need an example? I'm an avid rule-follower. You don't need to know me that well to know tha I'm basically pro-rules. I think the most trouble I've ever gotten in (and quite honestly, the only trouble I can REMEMBER getting in) involved 3 rolls of toilet paper. WORD TO THE WISE: if you're in the hospital and you're bored and think it would be funny if you and your friends toilet papered the dining room, it's not. Not at all. (although looking back on it might be!) I digress...where was I? Rule-follower. Ok. I'm a rule-follower EXCEPT when it comes to doing things that are self-destructive. SO this week, I saw the mountains that were before me. And I started to doubt myself and became discouraged. Because without God I can't do this. So instead of facing a tough situation, I ran. I broke some "rules" here at Mercy, and I had to deal with the consequences. What did I realize this week? I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THE WILDERNESS ANYMORE. I have to make a choice each day to move towards freedom.
The Israelites got right to the border of the Promised Land and they didn't want to go in to take the land. They were too scared. They doubted. And so they waited another 40 years before going in. I don't want to sit at he border, debating whether or not I want freedom. I want it.
Deuteronomy 1:6 says, "The Lord our God said to us in Horeb, you have dwelt long enough on this mountain."
The Israeilites needed to move on. They needed to leave the wilderness and take the land that God had promised. I need to do the same. Crossing over is difficult and painful, but like Deuteronomy says, I've dwelt on this for far too long.
Love, Sarah
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