Did you know that it took the Israelites 40 years to get into the Promised Land, but the journey itself from Egypt to this new place was only an 11 day trip? So what took 4 DECADES could have been done in a week and a half! Instead, they wandered around the same old mountain lost and confused.
How often do we do the same? Some big mountain stands in our way to freedom, but we just stare at it and stay stuck in the wilderness. We get tired, complain, and ask God what the heck He's thinking putting this mountain in our way.
I'll admit, I've done it. I still do it. I've wandered around my own little "mountain range" for 7 years. There have been times I have seen glimpses of the Promised Land, and there have also been times I've gotten pretty mad at God for "leaving me" in the wilderness. Sometimes I get so stubborn that I resort to what I know....but that only keeps me stuck in the wilderness and out of freedom.
Need an example? I'm an avid rule-follower. You don't need to know me that well to know tha I'm basically pro-rules. I think the most trouble I've ever gotten in (and quite honestly, the only trouble I can REMEMBER getting in) involved 3 rolls of toilet paper. WORD TO THE WISE: if you're in the hospital and you're bored and think it would be funny if you and your friends toilet papered the dining room, it's not. Not at all. (although looking back on it might be!) I digress...where was I? Rule-follower. Ok. I'm a rule-follower EXCEPT when it comes to doing things that are self-destructive. SO this week, I saw the mountains that were before me. And I started to doubt myself and became discouraged. Because without God I can't do this. So instead of facing a tough situation, I ran. I broke some "rules" here at Mercy, and I had to deal with the consequences. What did I realize this week? I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THE WILDERNESS ANYMORE. I have to make a choice each day to move towards freedom.
The Israelites got right to the border of the Promised Land and they didn't want to go in to take the land. They were too scared. They doubted. And so they waited another 40 years before going in. I don't want to sit at he border, debating whether or not I want freedom. I want it.
Deuteronomy 1:6 says, "The Lord our God said to us in Horeb, you have dwelt long enough on this mountain."
The Israeilites needed to move on. They needed to leave the wilderness and take the land that God had promised. I need to do the same. Crossing over is difficult and painful, but like Deuteronomy says, I've dwelt on this for far too long.
Love, Sarah
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
A Lesson in Love......and Grace
Monday was Valentine's Day. By the time you, my faithful followers, read this, it will probably have been two Mondays ago. I'm rabbit-trailing already. All you need to know was that Valentine's Day was this week. Ok...re-focus.
So this week, God has been showing me how much I am loved, and I am blown away. He has used a bunch of people whom I both do and don't know, to remind me. Monday morning, all 30 something of us girls were given hand-made Valentines from a local church. Then at night, we got more hand-made Valentines from a DIFFERENT church group. And THEN another church group came and gave us each a balloon and a goodie bag. They even presonalized the balloons with our names. Then the next day, we each got more goodie bags from the church we go to, Sunset Christian Center. AND THEN (yes, there's MORE!), a lady from Sunset brought us thirty four DOZEN roses. Thirty four DOZEN. We were so blessed this week! To top it off, I got nearly 20 cards on Valentine's Day and more on the days to follow. A very sweet friend of mine sent me beautiful flowers and a purse that she crocheted for me. And then the box that gave me the biggest smile......I ran around the house showing off it's contents to EVERYONE. The box was from my Valentine. My Valentine is the cutest boy in the entire world. He's a stud, let me tell you. He has such a big smile and I love him so much. My godson, Chaysen James Conklin. There were pictures of him holding a bear and then he (and Lauren..hahah) sent the bear to me. Future Valentine's have a high standard to meet. If you haven't seen this little boy, go look at pictures on facebook. Your heart will melt, and if it doesn't, you don't have a heart. True story.
So in the meantime, God has been saying, "Hey Sarah, wake UP! I love you. Not only that, but I actually LIKE you, too." It's such a SIMPLE yet profound concept. The Creator of the universe loves....me.
Which brings me to grace. I realize I am a stinkin' mess of a human being. You are, too. Sorry if I bursted your bubble. But think about it, we don't deserve God's love, but he FREELY gives it to us. Grace. AMAZING GRACE.
So my big issue is accepting that grace. I know I don't deserve it, so I work really hard to "earn" it. Or I punish myself because I know I don't deserve it. (enter eating disorder and self-harm.) Neither option is getting me anywhere. So I've spent the last week really reflecting on this GIFT. God couldn't love me anymore or any less. It's not what I do, it's who I am in Christ.
Those are my thoughts for this week. Last little update for you, since I've said I would update ya'll on the ups and downs on my journey. Notice how I said "ya'll?" I'm living with girls from all over the country. I'm praying I don't come home saying "hecka." Anyways, I'm working through a lot of stuff, and I take it out on the food. So lately, because I've been dealing with a million emotions, meals have become even HARDER. Last night, for example, we had a dinner that could be considered a staple in the American diet, but to me, it's one of the "scariest" foods I could eat. I ate it, but let me tell you, I sobbed. It was one of those pathetic, shoulder-heaving, mascara-down-the-face, I want-my-mamma kind of sobs. It was embarassing. Thankfully, a lot of the girls here understand because they've dealt with the same thing. Anyways, my whole point in telling you all this is because I need some prayer. Please pray along with me. Pray for endurance, because this is a long, draining, every-day battle. But I'm in it to WIN IT.
Love, Sarah.
So this week, God has been showing me how much I am loved, and I am blown away. He has used a bunch of people whom I both do and don't know, to remind me. Monday morning, all 30 something of us girls were given hand-made Valentines from a local church. Then at night, we got more hand-made Valentines from a DIFFERENT church group. And THEN another church group came and gave us each a balloon and a goodie bag. They even presonalized the balloons with our names. Then the next day, we each got more goodie bags from the church we go to, Sunset Christian Center. AND THEN (yes, there's MORE!), a lady from Sunset brought us thirty four DOZEN roses. Thirty four DOZEN. We were so blessed this week! To top it off, I got nearly 20 cards on Valentine's Day and more on the days to follow. A very sweet friend of mine sent me beautiful flowers and a purse that she crocheted for me. And then the box that gave me the biggest smile......I ran around the house showing off it's contents to EVERYONE. The box was from my Valentine. My Valentine is the cutest boy in the entire world. He's a stud, let me tell you. He has such a big smile and I love him so much. My godson, Chaysen James Conklin. There were pictures of him holding a bear and then he (and Lauren..hahah) sent the bear to me. Future Valentine's have a high standard to meet. If you haven't seen this little boy, go look at pictures on facebook. Your heart will melt, and if it doesn't, you don't have a heart. True story.
So in the meantime, God has been saying, "Hey Sarah, wake UP! I love you. Not only that, but I actually LIKE you, too." It's such a SIMPLE yet profound concept. The Creator of the universe loves....me.
Which brings me to grace. I realize I am a stinkin' mess of a human being. You are, too. Sorry if I bursted your bubble. But think about it, we don't deserve God's love, but he FREELY gives it to us. Grace. AMAZING GRACE.
So my big issue is accepting that grace. I know I don't deserve it, so I work really hard to "earn" it. Or I punish myself because I know I don't deserve it. (enter eating disorder and self-harm.) Neither option is getting me anywhere. So I've spent the last week really reflecting on this GIFT. God couldn't love me anymore or any less. It's not what I do, it's who I am in Christ.
Those are my thoughts for this week. Last little update for you, since I've said I would update ya'll on the ups and downs on my journey. Notice how I said "ya'll?" I'm living with girls from all over the country. I'm praying I don't come home saying "hecka." Anyways, I'm working through a lot of stuff, and I take it out on the food. So lately, because I've been dealing with a million emotions, meals have become even HARDER. Last night, for example, we had a dinner that could be considered a staple in the American diet, but to me, it's one of the "scariest" foods I could eat. I ate it, but let me tell you, I sobbed. It was one of those pathetic, shoulder-heaving, mascara-down-the-face, I want-my-mamma kind of sobs. It was embarassing. Thankfully, a lot of the girls here understand because they've dealt with the same thing. Anyways, my whole point in telling you all this is because I need some prayer. Please pray along with me. Pray for endurance, because this is a long, draining, every-day battle. But I'm in it to WIN IT.
Love, Sarah.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
PRAYER OF HOPE
To all the peolple I've met along my journey....my Remuda lovelies, my ABC girls, my EDIOP ladies, my BHC ladies and gents, Adult 1 and Adult 2 folk, and my KMHC peeps:
YOU ARE ON MY HEART TONIGHT. I PRAY THAT GOD GIVES YOU PEACE, PERSERVERENCE, AND HOPE. ALTHOUGH WE DIDN'T MEET IN THE BEST CIRCUMSTANCES, I'M THANKFUL THAT WE HAD THE CHANCE TO MEET. WHETHER WE JUST KNOW EACH OTHER BY NAME OR WE SHARED OUR HURTS AND HOPES, I'M PRAYING FOR YOU. I CARE ABOUT YOU. AND EACH ONE OF YOU DESERVES TO LIVE IN FREEDOM. MAY YOU FIND THAT FREEDOM AS YOU PRESS IN TO GOD. YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU ARE VALUABLE. YOU DESERVE FREEDOM. TO THOSE WHO BECAME FRIENDS OR SISTERS, I LOVE YOU AND AM THANKFUL FOR YOU. KEEP GOING! TO THE WONDERFUL LADIES I HAVE COME TO KNOW OUTSIDE OF A PROGRAM (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) I AM PRAYING FOR YOU, TOO. I PRAY THAT GOD GIVES YOU ENDURANCE FOR THE DAYS YOU FEEL LIKE GIVING UP. I PRAY FOR PEACE WHEN THINGS GET OVERWHELIMING AND THAT NASTLY LITTLE F WORD POPS INTO YOUR MIND. (F FOR FAT, OF COURSE.....GET YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER. SHEESH!)
AND I PRAY FOR FIESTY-NESS TO COME OUT SWINGING!
LOVE, SARAH
YOU ARE ON MY HEART TONIGHT. I PRAY THAT GOD GIVES YOU PEACE, PERSERVERENCE, AND HOPE. ALTHOUGH WE DIDN'T MEET IN THE BEST CIRCUMSTANCES, I'M THANKFUL THAT WE HAD THE CHANCE TO MEET. WHETHER WE JUST KNOW EACH OTHER BY NAME OR WE SHARED OUR HURTS AND HOPES, I'M PRAYING FOR YOU. I CARE ABOUT YOU. AND EACH ONE OF YOU DESERVES TO LIVE IN FREEDOM. MAY YOU FIND THAT FREEDOM AS YOU PRESS IN TO GOD. YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU ARE VALUABLE. YOU DESERVE FREEDOM. TO THOSE WHO BECAME FRIENDS OR SISTERS, I LOVE YOU AND AM THANKFUL FOR YOU. KEEP GOING! TO THE WONDERFUL LADIES I HAVE COME TO KNOW OUTSIDE OF A PROGRAM (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) I AM PRAYING FOR YOU, TOO. I PRAY THAT GOD GIVES YOU ENDURANCE FOR THE DAYS YOU FEEL LIKE GIVING UP. I PRAY FOR PEACE WHEN THINGS GET OVERWHELIMING AND THAT NASTLY LITTLE F WORD POPS INTO YOUR MIND. (F FOR FAT, OF COURSE.....GET YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER. SHEESH!)
AND I PRAY FOR FIESTY-NESS TO COME OUT SWINGING!
LOVE, SARAH
Saturday, February 5, 2011
ALL THAT I CAN SAY RIGHT NOW
I'm keeping this blog entry short and simple. This program is tough, and I really want to give up and go home. I have little energy to fight. But I give all that I have because I want freedom more. There's a song that's been re-playing in my head the last few days that I thought I'd share. Look it up and listen.
All That I Can Say....David Crowder
Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while
Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give, thats my everything
And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down
Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet
And this is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
And this is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
Love, Sarah
All That I Can Say....David Crowder
Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while
Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give, thats my everything
And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down
Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet
And this is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
And this is all that I can say right now, oh i know its not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah thats my everything.
Love, Sarah
Sunday, January 23, 2011
IN WAITING
Today is a particular hard day for me, mainly because I was supposed to be starting the first day of my last semester as an undergrad at Hope. But I haven't attended for almost a year now and I am uncertain of when I'll be back. Add severe homesickness and a longing to do the things I love, and that makes for a complete breakdown. Plus we just had ice cream. Of course, today of all days.
This time of waiting is difficult. I am waiting on the Lord to heal me. He is pruning me and cutting off the fruitless branches, and it is very painful. He is bringing up deep hurts from my past that He wants me to work through. Personally, I'd rather run from them. But I've done that my entire life. I think it's safe to say that it's time for a change.
And I found the perfect verses for me at this time.
Psalm 40:1-3....."I WAITED patiently and expectantly for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, steadying my steps and establishing my goings...."
I love you all....Sarah Michelle
This time of waiting is difficult. I am waiting on the Lord to heal me. He is pruning me and cutting off the fruitless branches, and it is very painful. He is bringing up deep hurts from my past that He wants me to work through. Personally, I'd rather run from them. But I've done that my entire life. I think it's safe to say that it's time for a change.
And I found the perfect verses for me at this time.
Psalm 40:1-3....."I WAITED patiently and expectantly for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, steadying my steps and establishing my goings...."
I love you all....Sarah Michelle
Saturday, January 22, 2011
PRAYER AND SURRENDER
Hello faithful followers! I hope everyone is doing well. I have been so overwhelmed this week. I'll be honest I've cried a lot and wanted to come back home many times. A few days ago I had a meeting with my dietician and my fitness coordinator. I was told I need to gain more weight because I am still not in a healthy weight range. I guess that has to do with my eating habits before I came in (duh) and the fact that I kinda, sorta bargained with my dietician at BHC in order to stay in a semi-safe state. Anyways, I started bawling and arguing that my goal weight range could not possibly match up with what these women were telling me. I thought I was done gaining weight and here I am finding out I still have a bit to go. So many fears and concerns were rushing through my mind. As I continued to give my pathetic reasons that they were, well, wrong, she gave me a contract saying tht I would commit to gaining said weight. They told me I didn't have to sign it right away, so I left their office angry and wondering where my suitcases were. There was no way I would gain that weight. Nope, I decided I needed to go home. So let me just tell you that God know just how to stop you in your tracks. While I was thinking about how I would tell my parents, I put in a cd my counselor gave as an assignment about addiction. Joyce Meyer said something like, "Many people feel ready to let God heal them until they realize they have to surrender it ALL to Him." Huh....ok, God, I get it. There are still things I need to let go of. Fine. But I'm still so unsure of this program. I know you can heal me. I'm not concerned about that. I'm concerned about my stubborness getting in the way.
So the next day, I'm still thinking that I need to go home. The weight
issue aside, this program is INTENSE and I'm homesick. There's a song on in the backround and I hear
"Bring me joy, bring me peace.
Bring the chance to be free.
Bring me anything that gives you glory.
And I know there will be days
When this life bring me pain,
But if that's what it takes to praise you,
Jesus, bring the rain."
My thought: "Ohhhhhhh crapppppp. THis IS where You want me right now,God, isn't it?"
So I prayed, asking that God will help me to surrender EVERYTHING at the cross. It's something I have to do everyday. But I trust that He is faithful and will finish His work in me. (Phil 1:6)
Love, Sarah
So the next day, I'm still thinking that I need to go home. The weight
issue aside, this program is INTENSE and I'm homesick. There's a song on in the backround and I hear
"Bring me joy, bring me peace.
Bring the chance to be free.
Bring me anything that gives you glory.
And I know there will be days
When this life bring me pain,
But if that's what it takes to praise you,
Jesus, bring the rain."
My thought: "Ohhhhhhh crapppppp. THis IS where You want me right now,God, isn't it?"
So I prayed, asking that God will help me to surrender EVERYTHING at the cross. It's something I have to do everyday. But I trust that He is faithful and will finish His work in me. (Phil 1:6)
Love, Sarah
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Mercy Address
"I fell for this so many times
It's ridiculous
And still I stick with this
I'm sick of this but in my sickness and addiction
You're as addictive as they get
Evil as they come vindictive as they make em
My friends keep asking why I can't just walk away from
I'm addicted
To the pain, the stress, the drama
I'm drownin' so I guess imma mess
Cursed and blessed
But this time imma
Ain't changing my mind
I'M CLIMING OUT OF THIS ABYSS." -Eminem
No matter how scared I am of this next step, I am so ready! I'm done with this disorder.
Thank you for all of the support you guys have been giving. It means so much. I won't have access to my blog while I'm at Mercy but will have my mom update it periodically. Some of you have been asking me for my address, since I'll really only get to stay in contact thru 'snail mail', so here it is:
Sarah Hoff
P. O. Box 1628
Lincoln, CA 95648-1628
To all of the incredible people I have had the privillege of meeting and getting to know over the last few yrs, who struggle with eating disorders, keep your heads up! I'm praying for you and love you all!
Love, Sarah
It's ridiculous
And still I stick with this
I'm sick of this but in my sickness and addiction
You're as addictive as they get
Evil as they come vindictive as they make em
My friends keep asking why I can't just walk away from
I'm addicted
To the pain, the stress, the drama
I'm drownin' so I guess imma mess
Cursed and blessed
But this time imma
Ain't changing my mind
I'M CLIMING OUT OF THIS ABYSS." -Eminem
No matter how scared I am of this next step, I am so ready! I'm done with this disorder.
Thank you for all of the support you guys have been giving. It means so much. I won't have access to my blog while I'm at Mercy but will have my mom update it periodically. Some of you have been asking me for my address, since I'll really only get to stay in contact thru 'snail mail', so here it is:
Sarah Hoff
P. O. Box 1628
Lincoln, CA 95648-1628
To all of the incredible people I have had the privillege of meeting and getting to know over the last few yrs, who struggle with eating disorders, keep your heads up! I'm praying for you and love you all!
Love, Sarah
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