Honesty. What a scary concept. I consider myself to be an honest person, but in my disorder I admit that I was very dishonest- to others and to myself. I did ANYTHING and everything possible to avoid eating, and my dishonesty went to the extent of lying to and manipulating the people I cared the most for in order to keep myself from the very thing I feared…gaining those dreaded pounds. I was not an easy person to live with…To my family and roommates- I apologize. I lied to myself as well. I convinced myself every day that I was okay. That things weren’t that bad. Yes, I had heart palpitations, anemia, dizzy spells, a weak immune system, deteriorating muscles, decaying teeth, a messed up digestive system, difficulty concentrating, hair loss, and osteopenia- deterioration of bone mass that precedes osteoporosis and doesn’t happen until an older age- but I was convinced that I was doing great! I recently found out that at my lowest weight back in March, I weighed only 5 pounds more than my cousin who is in the sixth grade. So, ya, I had the body of a 12 year old boy and the bones of a 50-60 year old….just fine, right? But that is what traps you in an eating disorder- complete denial that things are falling apart because that would mean admitting you need help and that you can’t do it on your own. For the last 7 years, my anorexia has been a safety blanket, something I use to cope through stress, and frankly, ditching the disease, as painful as it is, is quite scary.
Is that too honest for you? Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But the purpose of this blog is to not only keep friends updated (so I don’t end up repeating myself to people over and over), but to shed light on this misunderstood disease. IT IS NOT A CHOICE. IT IS NOT A LIFESTYLE. It is an illness.
Back to honesty. Now that I have been in treatment for the past few months, and am finding myself back on the path of recovery, I can say that being honest is still difficult for me. It’s difficult to admit that I’m struggling and equally difficult to reach out for support. So here it is: Sometimes I feel like giving up. Each day, it is such a CHORE to eat, and I find myself worrying if it will ever get easier…and then STAY that way. This last week, with me being in the partial program now, has been a challenge. This is why I hate when people say that I am so strong, because most of the time, I don’t feel strong. In fact, I feel the exact opposite. But I have to keep fighting, no matter how draining, because the fact of the matter is, I have no other choice. When it comes down to it, I CHOOSE LIFE.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
DO NOT FEAR
Pizza should be a four-letter word. It is regarded as one here on our unit, or so it seems, and is sometimes avoided like the plague..
I've spent the last week deciding whether or not i should write this particular blog. Debated on how personal it should be. And I've decided that while I'm not going to divulge every little detail, I made this blog with the intention of being real. I have learned from experience that anorexia nervosa is so incredibly misunderstood in today's society, and I want to do what I can to shed a little light on the disease.
Let me start by saying that I've been a professional restricter for the better part of my life. I don't necessarily mean restricting just food, although that obviously came later on. Since I can remember, I have restricted how close people can get to me. Restricted my emotions so that I only show the 'good' ones. Restricted my sense of adventure. Basically, I have confined myself to a very small, neat box so that I don't take up too much space. Literally. It has been a long-standing belief of mine that I do NOT deserve to take up space. That I am not worthy of it. Why, you might ask? I am still trying to figure that out, but I'm slowly piecing things together.
Over time, I made my box even smaller by restricting food. I greatly compromised my body by starving myself, like I starved myself of my emotions. LET ME BE HONEST:I DO NOT believe I am worthy of food. After treatment centers, a feeding tube, IVs, ER visits, EKGs, holds, and Ensures leading to a mandatory gain of 35 lbs later, I am just starting to believe the obvious- I just might be deserving of nutrition....huh..what a concept...
So let me get back to the pizza issue..A couple Fridays ago, the hospital celebrated Halloween. Our unit dressed up as Grease characters and we watched the movie. To make the situation more like 'normal' life, the dieticians brought in pizza for us to eat...Pizza.To some-a favorite food eaten at college events, parties, sleepovers, get-togethers, etc. To me-one of the scariest foods I can imagine. I wish I could explain it in a way that someone w/o an E.D. could understand...So what did I do? I sobbed. and sobbed. I ended up having to have a supplement instead (Ensure of course!) and felt completely defeated because I let my E.D. take over and tell me I did not deserve to have that piece of pizza. A week to the day later, my dietician took me and a couple other girls who also struggled with the pizza and sat us down for what else? Pizza. I cried again, but this time I ate it. And afterward, my head was saying how I messed up. Either way, E.D. doesn't let me win. I Ensure, and feel guilty for not trying. I eat the food, and feel guilty for trying. Ugh.
I've been focusing a lot lately on the concept of fear. Obviously I am not lacking in that area. Although Christ tells us not to fear, that He will help us, I have integrated it into every aspect of my life-to the point where I have full-blown panic attacks. I just finished Imagine Your Life Without Fear, by Max Lucado, and I must say, his exegisis on Matthew 8 is pretty cool, and it resonates so much with me that I want to share it. Mt 8:23-24 says that Jesus and his disciples got into a boat, and soon a big strom arose and was thrashing the boat. The Greek word used for storm is 'seismos', meaning a 'trembling eruption of sea and sky. We can find this word in the English language relating to earthquakes. So obviously this was a big storm. There are only two other times that Matthew uses the word 'seismos'- one referring to Christ's death and the other to Christ's resurrection. As Lucado puts it, "Apparently, the stilled storm shares equal billing in the trilogy of Jesus' great shake-ups: defeating sin on the cross, death at the tomb, and silencing fear on the sea." Although we as Christians have seen God's works, Lucado says that fear causes us to have ocassional 'spiritual amnesia' and we forget that our God is bigger than our storm. Christ gives 125 commands in the Gospels, and the 'fear not/take heart' commands appear more than any other. The quantity of these commands should show us just how much our God cares about our fears, and, equally, how much He wants to calm them.
"If we medicate fear with angry outbursts, drinking binges, sullen withdrawals, self-starvation, or viselike control, we exclude God from the solution and exacerbate the problem. We subject ourselves to a position of fear, allowing anxiety to dominate and define our lives. Joy-sapping worries. Day-numbing dread. Repeated bouts of insecurity that petrify and paralyze us."
One area I'm becoming increasinly worried about is discharge from inpatient to partial hospitalization. I'll be in the same program, but instead of being here 24/7, I'll only be here 8hrs a day,6 days a week.Yes, I will be here most of the time still, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried about my free time that I'll have. Please keep me in your prayers for that specifically.
Another frustration: Mercy Ministries. Mercy is a six month residential program with locations across the world. It is a Christian program that helps young women find healing from various addictions and disorders. I am on the waiting list for the Lincoln, Ca location. I got a call the other day and it sounds like I still have a while to wait. Since I can count on not being there until next yr, I feel like my life is continuing to be put on hold. I know I need this program, but I just wish the process was a little faster. pLUS, the longer I wait, the longer it will take for me to have the OPPORTUNITY to spend time with family and friends. Right now, I'm desperately holding to the promise that God's timing is best.
I have decided to end this entry with a simple, yet powerful, Bible verse that, coincidentally, just happens to be my next tattoo.
"Do not fear, I will help you."....somewhere in Isaiah. sorry I can't find the exact verse right now...
What fear are you holding on to in your life that God is wanting to take from you?
I've spent the last week deciding whether or not i should write this particular blog. Debated on how personal it should be. And I've decided that while I'm not going to divulge every little detail, I made this blog with the intention of being real. I have learned from experience that anorexia nervosa is so incredibly misunderstood in today's society, and I want to do what I can to shed a little light on the disease.
Let me start by saying that I've been a professional restricter for the better part of my life. I don't necessarily mean restricting just food, although that obviously came later on. Since I can remember, I have restricted how close people can get to me. Restricted my emotions so that I only show the 'good' ones. Restricted my sense of adventure. Basically, I have confined myself to a very small, neat box so that I don't take up too much space. Literally. It has been a long-standing belief of mine that I do NOT deserve to take up space. That I am not worthy of it. Why, you might ask? I am still trying to figure that out, but I'm slowly piecing things together.
Over time, I made my box even smaller by restricting food. I greatly compromised my body by starving myself, like I starved myself of my emotions. LET ME BE HONEST:I DO NOT believe I am worthy of food. After treatment centers, a feeding tube, IVs, ER visits, EKGs, holds, and Ensures leading to a mandatory gain of 35 lbs later, I am just starting to believe the obvious- I just might be deserving of nutrition....huh..what a concept...
So let me get back to the pizza issue..A couple Fridays ago, the hospital celebrated Halloween. Our unit dressed up as Grease characters and we watched the movie. To make the situation more like 'normal' life, the dieticians brought in pizza for us to eat...Pizza.To some-a favorite food eaten at college events, parties, sleepovers, get-togethers, etc. To me-one of the scariest foods I can imagine. I wish I could explain it in a way that someone w/o an E.D. could understand...So what did I do? I sobbed. and sobbed. I ended up having to have a supplement instead (Ensure of course!) and felt completely defeated because I let my E.D. take over and tell me I did not deserve to have that piece of pizza. A week to the day later, my dietician took me and a couple other girls who also struggled with the pizza and sat us down for what else? Pizza. I cried again, but this time I ate it. And afterward, my head was saying how I messed up. Either way, E.D. doesn't let me win. I Ensure, and feel guilty for not trying. I eat the food, and feel guilty for trying. Ugh.
I've been focusing a lot lately on the concept of fear. Obviously I am not lacking in that area. Although Christ tells us not to fear, that He will help us, I have integrated it into every aspect of my life-to the point where I have full-blown panic attacks. I just finished Imagine Your Life Without Fear, by Max Lucado, and I must say, his exegisis on Matthew 8 is pretty cool, and it resonates so much with me that I want to share it. Mt 8:23-24 says that Jesus and his disciples got into a boat, and soon a big strom arose and was thrashing the boat. The Greek word used for storm is 'seismos', meaning a 'trembling eruption of sea and sky. We can find this word in the English language relating to earthquakes. So obviously this was a big storm. There are only two other times that Matthew uses the word 'seismos'- one referring to Christ's death and the other to Christ's resurrection. As Lucado puts it, "Apparently, the stilled storm shares equal billing in the trilogy of Jesus' great shake-ups: defeating sin on the cross, death at the tomb, and silencing fear on the sea." Although we as Christians have seen God's works, Lucado says that fear causes us to have ocassional 'spiritual amnesia' and we forget that our God is bigger than our storm. Christ gives 125 commands in the Gospels, and the 'fear not/take heart' commands appear more than any other. The quantity of these commands should show us just how much our God cares about our fears, and, equally, how much He wants to calm them.
"If we medicate fear with angry outbursts, drinking binges, sullen withdrawals, self-starvation, or viselike control, we exclude God from the solution and exacerbate the problem. We subject ourselves to a position of fear, allowing anxiety to dominate and define our lives. Joy-sapping worries. Day-numbing dread. Repeated bouts of insecurity that petrify and paralyze us."
One area I'm becoming increasinly worried about is discharge from inpatient to partial hospitalization. I'll be in the same program, but instead of being here 24/7, I'll only be here 8hrs a day,6 days a week.Yes, I will be here most of the time still, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried about my free time that I'll have. Please keep me in your prayers for that specifically.
Another frustration: Mercy Ministries. Mercy is a six month residential program with locations across the world. It is a Christian program that helps young women find healing from various addictions and disorders. I am on the waiting list for the Lincoln, Ca location. I got a call the other day and it sounds like I still have a while to wait. Since I can count on not being there until next yr, I feel like my life is continuing to be put on hold. I know I need this program, but I just wish the process was a little faster. pLUS, the longer I wait, the longer it will take for me to have the OPPORTUNITY to spend time with family and friends. Right now, I'm desperately holding to the promise that God's timing is best.
I have decided to end this entry with a simple, yet powerful, Bible verse that, coincidentally, just happens to be my next tattoo.
"Do not fear, I will help you."....somewhere in Isaiah. sorry I can't find the exact verse right now...
What fear are you holding on to in your life that God is wanting to take from you?
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